Greg Gutfeld: Anything positive about America now has to be reimagined as horrible

I bet you’re wondering — Greg how racist is this country? It’s so racist, that even its buildings are bigoted! 

Did you know that the rotunda, which houses the Declaration of Independence, the US Constitution, and the Bill of Rights is guilty of structural racism?

Yep, the National Archives task force on racism claims that the structure portrays our founding fathers and other evil white people, too – positively. Shocking that the National Archives task force on racism found evidence of racism. I thought they’d say, “Looks good!” Then spend the rest of the day eating Funyuns in bed. Which as you know are also racist.

Side note: I always thought rotunda was Spanish for fat lady.

According to the New York Post, the report claims this structural racism deeply impacts how employees and customers interact, as well as with the historical records. They’re finding structural racism – in the actual structures. The rotunda’s bigotry “lauds wealthy White men in the nation’s founding while marginalizing BIPOC [Black, indigenous and other people of color], women…..”

But, I wonder, how can they say this – Without even know which founding fathers identified as gender non-conforming. Remember these chaps wore more wigs way more than RuPaul’s drag race, they were a healthy pack of pervs.

Also – using their criteria, couldn’t you say this about a lot of other buildings? I mean, how did the “White” House skate by on this? How long before we change that name?

But you see: the rotunda holds all the major documents – all written by dead White men. And if all you see is skin color and gender, then it’s got to piss you off. You get to the rotunda – and find that there are no female Apaches who wrote the Declaration of Independence. That sucks. But what do you expect?

Going to the rotunda and expecting people of color to be credited for the Bill of Rights is like me going to a hockey game searching for an Ashkenazi Jew. It’s like me going to the WNBA in search of a wife (they’re twice my height, it’s not going to work out). It’s like you going to CNN looking for an honest journalist.

The task force suggested tips to “reimagine the rotunda” including staging “dance or performance art in the space that invites dialogue about the ways that the United States has mythologized the founding era.” 

First, let’s address the idea that adding performance art to anything makes it better. That’s like adding milk duds to a pepperoni pizza. And that suggestion is pretty insulting to people of color – to assume that they can only contribute the crappiest of art — which is performance art. When White liberals have no solutions, which is always – they always turn to performance art – which is really just improvisational back spasms – some mindless emo pretending they slipped a disc.

Now, about this “mythologizing of the founding.” This coming from people who spend every waking hour reimagining stuff. They say the founding is not just exclusionary. It’s myth, a fantasy. Something that never existed –Like Bigfoot or Brian Stelter’s gym membership. 

Because anything positive about America has to be reimagined as horrible. Like you’re suddenly awakening from a dream, and it’s really a nightmare! Which happens every time I mix Nyquil with skunk weed. A trick Cavuto taught me.

Now, you could rewrite history, and come up with a new Declaration of Independence. Add some new signatures — a Black guy, an Indian, a New Zealand weightlifter. Because now every event has to look like a community college brochure even if it’s not true.

I wonder what the angry White male has to say.

Tom Shillue, Angry White Male: The Founding Fathers—I love them. I do. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what they did to make this great country of ours. That’s why I keep a picture of them behind my desk. These guys, not these guys. I mean, dogs playing poker—it makes me laugh.

I wonder what the angry Black male has to say about this.

Tyrus, Angry Black Male: What? Racist buildings? The building is racist? Like when you ring the doorbell and it gives you a racial epithet? Or, every time a black mailman comes over, the mailbox leans back? You know, it’s kinda of cool we live in a country where you can make s*** like this up and say whatever you want and given a platform to call anybody and their momma racist or even a building—that pretty much says you live in a free country that lets you say anything, no matter how stupid. Systematic opportunity. 

At least we have a new American hero. Gwen Berry, America’s hammer thrower – which was my dad’s nickname when he drank. She turned away from the American flag as she stood on the medal podium at the Olympic trials during the national anthem on Saturday. She says she was pissed the song was played as she received the bronze, claiming the timing of the song was intentional. Too bad there isn’t a medal for paranoia.

But imagine being caught off guard by the Star-Spangled Banner at an American Olympic event. That’s like being stunned when you hear the “safety dance” at a “men without hats” concert.

So there ya go – a person, who – like the National Archives task force on racism, takes things that are inherently positive for a country – and recast them as something deeply offensive. To Gwen, the song is an attack on her. The same way the rotunda is an attack on people of color.

I’d say this is nuts, but that would be an attack on cisgender men. I mean – we’re a week from July 4th — our nation’s birthday. Why do we even bother celebrating it, anyway? Of course, besides mixing alcoholic drinks with explosives. But if a building can be racist, and a song can be racist – can’t a date be racist too?

Imagine some old guy heading to the rotunda, on the fourth, and decides to sing the national anthem. God forbid he might be a veteran of some big war. How soon before we turn our backs on him.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the June 28, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”

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