The week began with Hunter Biden – a Democrat and practicing deviant– having his racist texts exposed. Of course, our moral betters in the media don’t care. Cuz if they did they have to admit to burying the laptop story like a squirrel with a nut made of cocaine. All to help Joe win. So how’s that not the biggest scandal?
Big tech, the media, and Democrats – in plain sight- quashed a truly explosive story, in order to sway an election. It’s mind-boggling. This, from the press that suffered aneurysms over Trump’s tweets. So now what do they do?
Be grateful that Anthony Weiner popped up. That’s probably not the correct verb. But there he was trying to figure out how to make a buck out of his bulge. Like Dr. Drew said, “That’s using your head.” He wanted to sell the photo of his infamous crotch shot as a non-fungible token.
I get it – it’s hard to make a living when you’re strapped for cash, and keep sexting females who just got done selling Girl Scout cookies. But if Weiner put half the effort he does in waxing his chest into respectable work he could actually make a decent living. Why do you need to make money off your notoriety? Just do what most Republicans do, and work for a living.
Here’s an idea Anthony: grow a beard, change your name, and work at Home Depot. This way, nobody will recognize you, and you’re still selling wood, just not your own. And speaking of Weiner jokes.
CNN, June 10: Camerota: in October, you were on a zoom call with your colleagues from “the new Yorker” magazine. Everyone took a break for several minutes, during which time you were caught masturbating on camera. You were subsequently fired from that job, after 27 years of working there. And you since then have been on leave from CNN. Do I have all that right? Toobin: you got it all right, sad to say.
Like Joe Biden approaching an escalator – I don’t know where to begin. But imagine the meeting at CNN where they hashed this segment out. Like – should a woman or a man interview Toobin? We want to show we’re pro-woman – but we don’t want to excite him. Maybe Joy Behar is free? Should we let him explain what happened or allow him to enjoy her describing in great detail the full circumstance… or is it an uncircumstance?
And should we get rid of the sign language, hearing-impaired box – we need less hand motion in this segment. Poor Alison Camerata. Talk about hazard pay. Boy if there ever was a time to social distance and wear a mask. Where’s the Plexiglas when you need it? She must have felt like Agent Starling asking Hannibal Lecter questions in his cell. I heard Stelter passed on the interview when he learned Toobin “choking the chicken” wouldn’t be a cooking segment.
So Toobin is already back from a seven-month suspension – some would say he got off, easy. But what did he do wrong anyway? CNN features journalists on air pleasuring themselves for other journalists all time. Have you seen the banter between Cuomo and Lemon? All that’s missing is the locker room towel snapping. I dunno, maybe they should pair Toobin with Jim Acosta. They could see who’s a bigger jerk … Off.
But I hear the Toobs learned his lesson. From now on he’ll only be masturbating in person. Look, Toobin’s mea culpa certainly was cringe-worthy, but maybe it could start a new trend for CNN. A weekly apology for errant anchors. I can see it now.
Fake CNN skit: Anchor 1: Thank you for coming today. // Anchor 2: It’s good to finally be here. // Anchor 1: So, just to recap. You were assigned a story to cover. And you interviewed both sides of the issue. // Anchor 2: That’s correct. // Anchor 1: And you used verifiable, named sources, instead of anonymous ones, and fact-checked all of their quotes. // Anchor 2: Yes, that much is true. // Anchor 1: And then you presented the piece in a fair and balanced manner, and forbade any of your personal biases from clouding the story. // Anchor 2: That is correct. // Anchor 1: Never ever do that again. // Anchor 2: I am so sorry. // Anchor 1: This is CNN!!
So – what a freak show – and they’re all Dems. Imagine if they weren’t. You think any of them would be around right now. Of course not. They would disappear faster than parmesan cheese on Hunter Biden’s carpet.
Bottom line – Democrat men think they can do whatever they want because they tick the boxes of liberalism. Drive off a bridge and drown your date? No biggie. He’s pro-abortion. Bill Clinton was the patron saint of the pig pass: as long as you kneel before the lefty causes, you can get an intern to kneel before you. And get great discounts at the dry cleaners.
And so – if you believe in reincarnation – let’s hope we all come back as Democrats. Then no one is safe, making us all equally awful.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the June 11, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”