Greg Gutfeld: I can't quit Chris Cuomo

I speak of the network home of hysterics, hall monitors, and one anchor who would make a great — well, anchor. As you know, Chris Cuomo is in more hot water than a package of Ramen noodles. He just got suspended, indefinitely.

MSNBC AVOIDS BREAKING NEWS OF CHRIS CUOMO’S SUSPENSION, REFRAINS FROM CRITICIZING RIVAL CNN ANCHOR

According to the New York attorney general’s office, Chris was far more involved in his brother’s damage control efforts than previously admitted. I know — a CNN anchor shading the truth? Whoever heard of that?

Donald Trump, October 2020: CNN got very angry. Fake news. CNN is totally fake

As you know, Andrew Cuomo, the ex-governor, was accused of sexual harassment multiple times. The guy touched more women than Pete Davidson at a wrap party. Chris admitted to helping his brother out in fighting the accusations – and who wouldn’t help his brother, really?

But new documents reveal he was in regular touch with his bro’s former top aide, and as accusations piled up, Chris demanded knowing when damaging articles would come out — promising he’d use his media connections to help his sleazy sibling.

So this is turning into the best Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen them all. Including “The 12 Men of Christmas.” Now previously, Chris said he never made calls to the press about his brother – and why shouldn’t we believe him? He’s been so honest before!

Chris Cuomo, April 2020: All right, here it is. The official reentry from the basement. Cleared by CDC. Little sweaty, just worked out-happens. This is what I’ve been dreaming of

ANDERSON COOPER AWKWARDLY ADDRESSES CHRIS CUOMO SUSPENSION TO CNN VIEWERS, FILLS IN FOR EMBATTLED ANCHOR

Man, to pull that off, you need a blind spot the size of Wendy Williams’ feet. 

But it seems like Chris was indeed gathering intel, including dirt on one accuser. You know – Hillary would be so proud of Chris. Now after hearing all this, I’d wonder — how does Chris keep his job? But then I remember this guy (Jeffrey Toobin). True, that was unintentional, and everyone deserves forgiveness for honest mistakes. 

“But Greg, even if that involves burping the worm during a network Zoom call?” Well, I go back and forth on this — much like Toobin. But my point is this: it’s natural for network competitors to enjoy the spectacle of a rival’s implosion. It’s like when they demolish an old hotel in Vegas—you love to watch it. And Cuomo kinda deserves it.

He’s a blowhard who lauded Antifa and smeared decent folk as bigots. He churns out fake news like the Amish do butter – telling you to live by the rules that he then happily pisses on like a urinal cake. He screamed at you to obey lockdowns, as he violated his own. Seriously – what a list of obnoxiousness to choose from. It’s like the polyester shirt section at Walmart.

ABC PRODUCER WHO ACCUSED CHRIS CUOMO OF HARASSMENT CALLS CNN SUSPENSION ‘MEANINGLESS’, PREDICTS HE’LL BE BACK

There’s q-tip theatre, where Chris stole one of Carrot Top’s props to humanize his jerkface brother.

Chris Cuomo, May 2020: in scale, this was the actual swab that was used to fit up that double-barrel shotgun that you have mounted on your pretty face

I guess he was just trying to keep his brother’s nose clean.

There’s the moment where he mocked the crime wave and those who were raising alarms about it.

Don Lemon July 7, 2020: And they’re gonna take your country away and they’re taking down the statues.

Chris Cuomo: Crime is rising as they defund police

Lemon: My gosh, it’s so bad!

By the way, it’s nice to see Chris finally discuss the new “smash and grab” robberies. “Smash and grab” – it sounds like one of his brother’s top dating techniques. But I guess Chris could no longer chalk that violence up to “show me in the constitution where it says looting has to be peaceful.”

WATCH THE MOMENT MSNBC ANCHOR REPEATED ANDREW CUOMO ADVISER’S ‘SPIN’ ON HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS

He also defended Antifa.

Chris Cuomo, August 2018: Antifa or whomever … Or malcontent or misguided, they are also wrong to hit, but fighting hate is right, and in a clash between hate and those who oppose it, those who oppose it are on the side of right.

He was, in short, an overpaid jackass. But in the media, that describes all of us. Except Kilmeade – he’s just a jackass.

But I feel, at times, that I’m an overpaid jackass too. But then I remember, I work at Fox, and conclude I am an underpaid jackass. Seriously Fox, how can you expect me to maintain a Bolivian cocaine habit, 6 mistresses, 3 full-time cabana boys in St. Bart’s on 14 mil a year? It’s like they don’t even consider the fact that my shoe inserts are made of ivory. Last week I had to let a houseboy go because his nonstop crying upset my Bengal tigers.

So, what am I getting at? The scuttlebutt in this high school cafeteria, called the media, is that Chris is what you find next to your ham and eggs at IHOP: toast. It’s either toast, or a Lee press-on nail. But he’s like the Greeks – ancient history. He’s like peaches at the supermarket – canned. He’s like a loaded gun on an Alec Baldwin set – discharged.

But why should he be fired? What did he do wrong? Besides help a corrupt politician smear an accuser by using his network connections.

That’s it? Come on! Who hasn’t done that before, right? I say, it’s time not to fire Chris, but to save him!

Mock campaign ad to “Save Chris Cuomo”

The fact is, for lack of a better term, I can’t quit Chris. And look – the media is a moronic medium – so is it his fault if he’s a moron? We attract them like flies on poop. And it’s this environment that often dictates changes in your behavior. 

‘THE VIEW’S’ SUNNY HOSTIN INTERRUPTS COLLECTIVE DUNKING ON CHRIS CUOMO TO ARGUE HE DID NOTHING ‘ILLEGAL’

I mean look at Kat. She wasn’t this bat-s*** crazy when I met her. The news did this to her. This was her before Fox (picture of Dana Perino).

And you’ve seen it yourself. “So and so” leaves Fox for someplace else, and suddenly they’re different. So, the old line is, “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” I came up with that as a kid while playing spin the bottle with my grandmother’s schnauzer… (bitch).

But the game these days is to inflame, divide and incite. Until we change that game, there will always be more Chris Cuomos than Greg Gutfelds. 

Firing them does no good, because another one bubbles up. If we keep at it, who knows who will be hosting that CNN 9 pm slot.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the November 30, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”

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