KAT TIMPF: You’re going to get me put on a no watch list.
It’s true Kat once left Thailand with a dozen ferrets, don’t ask her how. But at least if you’re going to enter a country with drugs, be better at it. Maybe spend a day or two at our border to see how it’s done. Or call this guy for some advice. Yeah. Yeah. You’re clapping now. You’re clapping now. Besides, isn’t that why God made the rectal cavity? It’s how I bring a liter of soda from home into the movie theater, not to brag.
But it’s obviously an absurd arrest and Griner pleaded guilty of possession. But then she complained that she, when she was arrested, the Russian authorities didn’t read her her rights. Which is cute. That’s like complaining that when you ate at the Olive Garden, the hostess didn’t tell you the chefs aren’t from Italy. We’re pretty much the only place who read you your rights, Britney. That’s one reason to stand for the national anthem, which Brittney doesn’t. Meanwhile, Canada flogs you for mentioning rights. And that’s why I go there twice a year.
But now we learn the U.S. has offered to exchange prisoners in order to bring her and an American Marine, Paul Whelan, home. Biden reportedly backs the deal. So who are we trading for? Well, Viktor Bout is a Russian arms dealer known as “The Merchant of Death,” whose weapons sales fueled deadly global conflicts. Russian officials have long wanted Bout back, who is serving a 25-year sentence in the U.S. after convicted in 2011 of conspiracy to kill Americans, deliver anti-aircraft missiles and aiding a terrorist organization. He got another 25 for inspiring a Nicolas Cage movie. The prosecutors wanted life, and still he’s a tad more dangerous than someone who shoots about 35% from the three-point line. But now he could return to Russia in exchange for Griner and the Marine.
Now to some this trade seems more lopsided than Trey Gowdy’s haircut, well, and the U.S. State Department is usually against such trades since they incentivize countries to detain Americans, and then they use them as bargaining chips. I mean, could you imagine if some country got a hold of this guy?
PICTURE OF GREG GUTFELD
This is why I rarely leave this country or my home. You know, I once went to Jersey and I was held captive by the governor in exchange for 25 women without mustaches. That is really terrible.
But I realized that if I were to go anywhere around the world, I’d be seen as a steal. Frankly, I’m worth an entire college football team. So, like Spirit Airlines, these trades can be a threat to everyone traveling, according to our State Department. It’s a great joke. But still, it seems heartless to leave two Americans languishing in Moscow prisons. So what would you do? I believe it’s time for.
ANNOUNCER: How do you complete a trade for a war criminal when your brain is made of spaghetti?
He’s the merchant of death and Griner plays for the WNBA. We went to WNBA fans for a comment.
That’s not fair, I actually enjoy the WNBA because it’s basketball without all that annoying dunking. So is this the most unequal deal since the colonists bought New York for some seashells? They get an arms dealer back who has vital info that Putin can use. And we get an American who knows how to dribble. But do we need that? We already have Joe Biden. Don’t clap yet, and besides, do we really need another six-foot woman who spends her night playing with orange balls? I told you not to clap, that was just disgusting, horrible, people make me sick.
But Griner is an American, and so is Whalen, an ex-Marine, and shouldn’t we try to get them out? But it’s not that easy. Viktor sent weapons to numerous West African conflicts. He’s buddies with some very scary people, who like Gadhafi and Hezbollah, and when it comes to terrorism, he’s “League MVP.” But then there’s that cynical voice in my head that says, aren’t we all doing this game of tit-for-tat?
The whole point of grabbing a Russian criminal is in case Russia grabs an American citizen, two can weaponize civilians. When we capture someone from another country, he becomes not just an inmate, but valuable currency, unlike the dollar. So don’t think of them as prisons. Think of them as banks and then get creative, it doesn’t even have to be prisoners. What if we made more trades in which we threaten to send Americans that we don’t want to foreign countries who don’t want them either? Like what if we offered them the cast of “The View” and, you didn’t hear the end of the deal, and in exchange, we get this Russian who is truly talented.
Oh. I haven’t seen a tongue move that fast since Superman mailed his Christmas cards. Yeah, see you thought it was going to be disgusting? But it’s a joke about licking stamps, I think. But think of the possibilities.
We could trade Michael Avenatti, Jussie Smollett, Joy Reid, Morning Joe, the whole CNN primetime lineup, every actor named Ryan, I hate them. Here’s a few we could even give away for free, you know, like the guy who had his honeymoon in Russia. In fact, we could do our part to support Russian communism by sending all of these people. But in all seriousness. Oh. No need to clap. But in all seriousness, it’s got to suck to be the people who put in the hard work to catch the “Merchant of Death.” They probably risked their lives. But maybe if the trade gets made, they will get the credit and they will get the thanks, because no one ever thinks of them when the people finally come home.
Bottom line is Americans must help Americans. Even if I said bad things about my country in the past, doesn’t matter. And I’d hope that if I get arrested in some country, my president would do the same for me. Although I doubt Biden would free me. Which is why we have to dump him before I go on my European vacation. So when a bunch of law enforcement tie me up and gag me, it’s because I paid them.