Greg Gutfeld on Ellen DeGeneres leaving show

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Just another whopper from Mayor McCheese. I’m
still grossed out by that. OK. It’s been a few months and Joe Biden has
made more mistakes than I did in med school. It’s why I’m not a doctor. Why
all of those people are dead. Gets a laugh. All those dead people. All
right. Now we could point out all of Joe’s failures, but I have a wedding
to go to in September.

But what’s weird is how the media buries these stories like cat poo in a
sandbox. Where does it all go? Don Lemon’s hamper, Rachel Maddow’s Jim
locker, that computer shop where Hunter Biden took his laptop. There’s a
lot of bad stuff going on. But like Kamala Harris, the Jimmy Hoffa of vice
presidents, it’s nowhere to be found. Biden screws up in the media slips
the story between the mattress and the box spring. Like those photos I have
of Bill Hemmer.

But imagine if any of this happened under President Trump. Highest rate of
inflation in 13 years, like Dana Perino hawking her new book, that would be
everywhere. Unemployment is now rising faster than it has in a decade and
during a job surplus. Has that ever happened before? That’s like losing
weight after eating 10 pounds of cookie dough. Relax, Stelter. It’s not
possible. As always, it’s all about the incentives.

Incentives are the most basic science on Earth. If you’re married, you know
what I mean. If you want your wife to stay interested in the bedroom, you
do what I do. You put the dishwasher in there. Sadly, the only incentives
the Dems understand is if you give someone money, they’ll vote for you. But
I was kind of hoping that was changing. Biden has now decided to resume
partly building the wall. Yes, that big evil Satan wall.

Remember when they stopped building it in January? Every live did a victory
dance, including Elizabeth Warren. And I know because it rained over my
house for three days. So what happened next, a massive influx of migrants.
Thousands of kids showed up unaccompanied and on a school night no less.
Incentives took center stage, like a Bunyan on Pelosi’s foot, it got big
and ugly fast.

But maybe I thought something came to Joe’s senses, probably polling
numbers or smelling salts. Or maybe the images of children being abandoned
in the mountains like James Franco’s Tinder dates who wouldn’t put out. I
was hoping Biden woke up to the fact that not everything Trump did was
evil, and that the advice he’s getting from the woke is idiotic. In fact, a
lot of Trumps teams were pretty good.

If you’re not a communist socialist or something called Debra Messing.
Record low unemployment, especially among minorities, energy independence,
North Korea no longer and apocalyptic headache, a plethora of peace deals.
True Trump could hurt your feelings. Don’t we all know it? I’m still
smarting over being snubbed for that Presidential Medal of Freedom. But all
of Joe’s current problems are based on rejecting Trumpism which isn’t a way
to run a country.

It’s like hooking up with a total loser after you got dumped just to get
back at the person who dumped you, but it only harms you. However, it’s
great if you’re the loser that people keep hooking up with. That was the
only way I got lucky in college. I wonder what our angry white male thinks.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, AMERICAN STAND-UP EDIAN: Presidential politics, what a
pain. Look, I like the last guy OK. But I know there were a lot of people
who didn’t. Look, it seems like the negative voices always outweigh the
positive ones. And I don’t want to get involved in all that. Some days,
politics really gets me down. Then other days I think, who cares? I just
bought this sweet telescope.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Just getting angrier every day. So Trump mostly made decisions
based on principles of incentives and disincentives. And if it made him
look good or bad, who cares? It worked. Trump would never call a looter a
protester because that’s an incentive to loot. He never paid people not to
work because that’s an incentive not to work. He’d never applaud identity
politics, because that’s an incentive to divide.

True, he’d make fun of your weight or your hair. But that’s the price you
pay for common sense. Plus, you’ve got Frank Luntz to join a gym. I go back
to this analogy. When you hire a lawyer, do you want everyone in the court
to like him or do you want everyone to go Holy crap, not that guy? Trump
was supposed to be America’s lawyer. And he was (BLEEP) but he was (BLEEP)
and if there’s one thing we Americans love, it’s (BLEEP).

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: He’s blushing. Let’s welcome our guests. We always see eye to eye
because we’re both wearing heels. America’s newsroom co-anchor and “THE
FIVE” co-host, Dana Perino. If looks could kill his face would be on trial
for a murder. America’s newsroom co-anchor Bill Hemmer. He was
valedictorian of his driver’s ed class, host of the Guy Benson Show on Fox
News Radio, Guy Benson.

She’s returned to everything from her wedding, including her husband. Fox
News Contributor Kat Timpf. Dana, can you explain to me what I just read or
what just happened? I thought that they were actually going to rebuild the
wall but turns out they’re only going to build on the levees.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Yes. So, you know, I mean, you would — I
understand why you would get excited because it would make sense. And sense
is like you’d like common sense. So here’s the deal. Down there at the
border, lots of flooding can happen. So there’s a levee system. But
President Trump said is since there’s already a levee system, let’s just
put the wall that we’re continuing to build on top of that.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: Because that will save taxpayers money. It’s already approved
environmentally, and we can just go ahead and do that. But then they stop
the wall. But they still need the levees.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: So they’re going to do the levees, but not the wall. Which doesn’t
make sense.

GUTFELD: It doesn’t make sense.

BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: How much sense does she make though?

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

HEMMER: Holy cow.

(CROSSTALK)

HEMMER: I get these five days a week.

GUTFELD: Yes. No wonder you’re going crazy. Must be driving you nuts. I
went through this too. It’s terrible. Are you tired of the dog yet?

PERINO: He hasn’t met — I mean, Jasper’s, you know.

GUTFELD: You haven’t met Jasper yet?

HEMMER: I have met Jasper.

PERINO: Oh, OK.

GUY BENSON, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: And she has a dog?

GUTFELD: Yes. Jasper is like — Jasper is kind of like the size of a
construction worker who wants to sit on your lap. So when he climbs up on
top of you it’s — I don’t know —

PERINO: He’s totally ripped right now too. OK. He looks great.

GUTFELD: All right. Tell me more. You know, I feel like I should be see —
every time I hear levy. I just feel like I should be singing American Pie.

HEMMER: Probably. I thought it was a great explanation.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Thank you.

HEMMER: I think it’s the rainy season down there. You got to make sure it’s
taken care of. I feel like though this is like red eye on steroids. I mean,
what did I just drop into? Huh? I mean, how about the upgrade for Gutfeld?

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: Which is actually pretty nice.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s a nice studio. I like it. It’s like Bill’s never watched
the show before.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: He’s going, what his place? Am I on in a spaceship?

PERINO: He kept commenting on the studio. It’s like, thanks for your
support, Bill Hemmer.

BENSON: During the opening mono, I’m looking over at Hemmer and he looks
like he’s — like where are the exits? Like if I had to go to a break for,
like they show it Gutfeld exclamation point to the Gutfeld question mark.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I know what the problem was. It was the — it was the dishwasher
with Joe.

PERINO: Dishwasher one. I wanted to know what his dream was.

GUTFELD: Yes. Oh. Oh, wow. That is a good Joe. That’s a good joke.

PERINO: I was joking.

GUTFELD: Kat?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: What are your thoughts? Oh, here’s the theory. I believe that
Biden is truly the opposite of Trump and that Trump was bad words good
deeds. But Biden is nice words no deeds.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Or bad deeds.

TIMPF: The policies are awful and things are terrible. But it’s worse than
that. Because much like my string of unemployed ex-boyfriends, in addition
to things going terribly. They’re also incredibly expensive to maintain.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Right? Like he spent almost $ 150 billion on education. Like doubling
the Department of Education’s budget. It’s not even just, oh, kids are
doing poorly in school and kids aren’t even in school at all.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So it’s really bad, things are bad and it costs a lot of money. Not
worth it.

GUTFELD: Guy, I know that you were — you were you were critical of Trump.
Don’t you kind of miss the mean tweets in the $ 2.00 gas?

BENSON: Definitely the cheaper gas, definitely most of the policies. And I
think part of the frustration for a lot of normal people who are not
completely obsessed with hating Donald Trump or hating Joe Biden is this
weird obsession with doing exactly the opposite.

GUTFELD: Right.

BENSON: It’s like, well, if that was a Trump-related thing, we have to make
that anathema. It’s, you know, out of bounds, we can’t do it. And therefore
some good policy just went overboard, and it’s just pure signaling.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BENSON: And it’s stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BENSON: I know that this was the smart power crew, it’s what they call
themselves under Obama. This is stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. This is what spouses do, Dana, like when you’re planning
a fun night out and you get into a little tiff and then it’s like, oh,
we’re not going. That’s it.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: It’s like — it’s like —

HEMMER: That hurts all of us.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Right. They go so extremes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: That actually does drive me crazy.

GUTFELD: It drives me nuts. It drives me nuts. I never do that.

PERINO: Fine.

GUTFELD: But you know what great though? I’m always glad when something
gets canceled. No, no, but we had plans to go to the opera.

HEMMER: You know when they go in the first place.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: I thought the biggest whopper of the week on the border was what
the head of the DHS said this week, from the White House. He said the
borders close.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Probably have film illusions video.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: He was thinking about the bookstore. OK. It’s an old joke. I don’t
care at this point. You know, you got — you got some winners in that
monologue. So, don’t complain about an old joke. All right. We got to move
on. Up next, which state Govs are a cut above? That’s next.

(MERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Meet the Govs who deserve our loves.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: They spent three weeks on that. So, the criteria for this is very
strict. Mostly don’t lock people inside or kill the elderly. Anything after
that is awesome. First up is Governor Mike DeWine of the Buckeye State. A
nickname that I just came up with. He’s ending Ohio’s COVID orders as of
June 2nd, I hope this is true. And that includes the mask mandate and
distancing in restaurants. Also, teenage boys can return to practicing
French kissing on their fist.

HEMMER: At least three.

GUTFELD: That’s tasteless, too. I wrote that one. That’s three weeks for
more people to get vaccinated. And he’s got a plan for that too. He’s
holding a lottery with five cash prizes of a million bucks each. Any adults
who’s had at least one vaccine dose can enter and he’s paying for it with
federal pandemic relief funds. Here’s DeWine explaining the reason for the
move.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. MIKE DEWINE (R-OH): You’ve got people who clearly are not going to get
it. They have every right to make that decision. But then you have people
in the middle and they’re the kind of persuadable people and they’re people
who may have just put it off. Some people are going to say Mike DeWine is
crazy and that this is a big waste of money. But I’ll tell you what the
real waste is.

What the real waste is when somebody at this stage when we have the vaccine
that will pretty much 100 percent protect you but you don’t take it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I’m going to look like him in 10 years. To tell you right — I can
tell you that right now. Anyway, meanwhile, in Florida, the birthplace of
Hooters, Guy. Governor Ron DeSantis will pardon anyone charged for not
wearing masks or socially distancing. The move came a day before the CDC
announced fully vaccinated people could stop wearing masks indoors. He
announced it on live T.V. to a couple facing jail time for letting people
forgo masks at their gym.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. RON DESANTIS (R-FL): When our clemency board meets in the coming
weeks, we’ll issue pardons not only for Mike and Jillian, but for any
Floridian that may have outstanding infractions for things like mass and
social distancing. These things with hell should be advisory, they should
not be punitive.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hmm. That looks like a hell of a T.V. program. Anyway, that couple
was facing 120 days in jail which isn’t so bad because in prison, you can
always catch up on your reading. Did you see the book Dana wrote before
everything’s going to be OK? It was called everything sucks and I’m going
to murder you. And it also was a best seller. All right. So Bill, what are
your thoughts on the lottery?

HEMMER: We had him on our program this morning. Governor DeWine. I think
they started aiming a little too high on this.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: I mean, you’re starting at a million?

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: Why don’t we start at like 10 grand and see what kind of reaction
you get then maybe work your way up. They probably have done the science
where they know that they’ll get more — more people are suckers for more
money.

HEMMER: I get it. But these are — these are — these are taxpayer dollars
that you’re saying we’re going to give out a million dollars a week for
everybody that gets vaccinated.

GUTFELD: Yes. But is it really — I mean, we could just print more money,
Kat.

HEMMER: Who does that?

GUTFELD: I don’t know. But I mean, just put it.

TIMPF: You can’t give it back though. This is money that they were already
given for COVID Relief Fund. And so when I saw this, I was like, this is
super dumb. And now I think it’s dumb, but it’s not his fault. Because you
can’t just give it back to the taxpayers. That’s not allowed. So, he found
a way to sort of kind of do that. And incentivizing vaccines is the best
thing you can do because that’s the best, clearest, scientifically backed
path to going back to normal.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. Guy, what did you make of this?

BENSON: I want to clear for the record. I actually did eat at Hooters for
the food. It’s like I would.

TIMPF: Oh, you were the guy.

BENSON: Reading a Playboy for the articles.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BENSON: And Hooters for the food. That’s me for real.

GUTFELD: Ate wings.

BENSON: Wings and beer.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s what they call them.

BENSON: And sports.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BENSON: Other things.

GUTFELD: Oh yes, I love — I love the sports.

BENSON: I actually do love sport.

GUTFELD: Baseball and the basketball. I do love sweaty men running up and
down the field. Sorry.

BENSON: No, it’s OK. You’re lost in a moment there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BENSON: I want to let you hold on to it for just a second and go back to
your wife. Now here’s the thing.

GUTFELD: No. At least he didn’t use air quotes.

BENSON: For her wife? So, I think this is actually a brilliant idea. And
I’ll say that I don’t hate it.

GUTFELD: Right.

BENSON: Because you’re right, the money is spent. You could argue it’s
wasteful, but it’s already out there. And the data shows you’ve got most
people who either have the vaccine already or are lining up to do it.
You’ve got a handful of folks like 20 percent or so who were saying we’re
not getting this period. Then as DeWine was saying, the governor, there’s
this group of persuadables, they’re not ideological, they don’t care about
politics.

They’re not going to respond to like, typical, you know, PSAs and that sort
of thing. You’ve got to give them something non-ideological. And what is
more universal than you might win a million dollars like oh, you know, that
gets my attention. I’m already vaccinated. I might do it again, if it’s
necessary, right?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It’s publisher’s clearing house.

HEMMER: OK. But with this money, I mean, DeWine is get in line to the —
start cutting back on the unemployment payments, just like a lot of these
other states are doing.

BENSON: Yes.

HEMMER: And I ate the wings at Hooters too. I was a fan. Blue cheese.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Do you know what the best thing about Hooters was they really
revolutionized pantyhose with shorts. I mean, I thought I was just the one.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: I mean, but did you find that comfortable?

GUTFELD: Yes. Sometimes it — sometimes it ran up when I was running at
night. But, you know, let’s get away from what I do in my private time in
the park. What — is it using a lottery for other things? Like to use a
lottery as a way to force people to focus on things. Like what if –what if
you were a politician and you said, you vote for me or you support my
campaign and one of you will win a million dollars?

Like if you had the money like you could — it’s like a Ponzi scheme.
Everybody puts money in but you’re going to give it out. You can —

(CROSSTALK)

HEMMER: That would be illegal.

PERINO: Yes. That would be bribery, I would think, buying votes. But I
think — here’s a couple things. One is going to make sure that this money
will be better spent in Ohio by whoever wins it and it was going to be
spent by the government and something our producer said in our ear this
morning and I thought was smart is actually the taxpayers, federal
taxpayers that put this money in will get some back because that money is
taxable.

GUTFELD: Oh, they’ll get 50 percent of it back which will go to some lousy
government program.

PERINO: Could go to a levy.

GUTFELD: Hmm. But that levy was dry. And they were singing.

HEMMER: Again. Bye-bye, Miss American.

GUTFELD: Boy, that song drove me crazy.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: It goes on for so long.

HEMMER: Yes. 17 minutes long.

TIMPF: And we have more of it.

GUTFELD: And it’s in — and it’s in every Irish bar in D.C. If you go to —
if you went to Iowa there’s always some guy up there singing it, these
drunk sorority girls throwing up on your feet.

HEMMER: Another verse. Thank god.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. All right. That wrap in me. OK. Still to come, should we
be complaining about woke army training? See their latest ad next.

(MERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Will woke troops lack the will to attack? The U.S. Army’s latest
recruitment campaign is creating quite the buzz for leaning hard into
wokeness. It’s got it all, same sex parenting, overcoming gender
stereotypes, equal rights marches. Ew. Kidding. You know, typical
battlefield preparation. Check it out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It begins in California, with a little girl raised by
two moms. Although I had a fairly typical childhood also marched for
equality. When I was six years old, one of my moms had an accident that
left her paralyzed. Doctor said she might never walk again. Eventually
standing at the altar to marry my other mom. I began feeling like I’d been
handed so much in life, a sorority girl stereotype but what had I really
achieved on my own?

I needed my own adventures, my own challenge. And after meeting with an
army recruiter, I found it. A way to prove my inner strength and maybe
shatter some stereotypes along the way. I’m U.S. Army Corporal Emma
Malonelord and I answered my calling.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: There you go. Now let’s compare that to what the Russians are
putting out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Jesus. Oh my God. By Russian is a little rusty? But the scared the
(BLEEP) out of me. I think — I think it proved their point. So, Guy, I
thought — I actually thought that the first ad wasn’t bad but it’s very
touchy feely. Should we be embarrassed about our privates?

BENSON: Look, I found the cartoon animation to be a little bit strange. I
think that just as an American citizen, I’m more concerned about military
readiness than equality or inclusiveness. I don’t think that they’re
mutually exclusive though.

GUTFELD: Right.

BENSON: What I was distracted by was this wedding. And you can ask Kat, I
will attend any wedding even if I’m not technically invited.

GUTFELD: Right.

BENSON: So, I kind of want to go hang out at a wedding like that. That
seems sort of appealing.

GUTFELD: Now, you were a cat’s wedding, weren’t you?

BENSON: I was.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: The flower girl was a guy. So —

GUTFELD: Yes, the flower girl was a guy.

BENSON: In heels. And it was not, just to clarify.

BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CO-HOST: So, the flower girl was not god, it
was not it was a guy.

BENSON: It was one of her, one of her buddies.

GUTFELD: You know, let’s try to get back on point, Bill. I don’t know you
have to (INAUDIBLE) these topics.

HEMMER: My feeling is, I mean, half of me thinks whatever works. And half
of me thinks I, you know, there’s a lot of tough Marines who want to eat
your face.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: And probably will go for a different spot.
 
GUTFELD: So, what do you, so how do you — I mean, if you were in charge,
which ad would you prefer to use?
 
HEMMER: I would use option number two.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: And I’d say (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: Oh, wow.
 
HEMMER: (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: The only Russian you know,

HEMMER: I have probably three words. I get by with that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEMMER: I think it’s interesting. Can you say whether or not this would be
a campaign that would be used in the CIA or the U.S. military if Trump had
won a second term?

GUTFELD: No, he probably rail against it. He’ll probably make a tweet.

HEMMER: I think the answer’s no.

GUTFELD: Yes. So, here’s a theory, I do realize you’re probably comparing
something that’s internal. I don’t know. Maybe that was Russian internal
to, to there, to get people to join. So, I always get — I’m getting the
feeling that this this touchy feeliness is a protection racket, so that
people will let — be less inclined to think of the military as something
dangerous. Does that make sense?

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: I mean, it could be, it depends on also
what they’re recruiting for. So, we had that CIA video before. And one of
the things that a retired CIA agent told me is that that you need to, that
ad was focusing on Latina women. OK. So, the reason is because apparently
China is kicking our rear ends in Latin America, and they need to recruit
people that will be able to blend in when they’re undercover. So, I don’t
know what they’re recruiting for, and this young woman that said she found
her calling, she’s working for the military. Maybe she’s a cybersecurity
expert —

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: — and can figure out how to kick the butts of Dark Side.

HEMMER: Oh, you think I might be smart?
 
PERINO: I don’t know. I don’t know what they’re recruiting for but I have a
feeling they wouldn’t be wasting their time.

BENSON: There’s got to be analytics behind it, right? Or some explanation
beyond just pure wokeness?
 
GUTFELD: Or could be like cartoons

PERINO: Could be. Animators.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. Although, I got to say, that, Kat, maybe because it’s
I’m a masculine male, that I was —

TIMPF: Very masculine.

GUTFELD: Very masculine. I was taken by the Russian ad. Well, it spoke to
me.
 
TIMPF: Yes. Seeing any sort of woke anything is always kind of weird, but
especially this one you’re watching it and it’s all you know, identity
politics and girl power and, and fluffy and you’re watching it you remind
yourself, this is a recruitment ad for the world’s most powerful killing
machine.
 
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s my point. Yes.

TIMPF: And then it gets a little weirder and also I just married a veteran
so like as someone who’s half-veteran.

GUTFELD: Thank you for your service.
 
TIMPF: Yes, half-veteran. No, half-veteran by marriage. Obviously, I do not
mean that. But I’ve talked to him a little bit about his experience serving
in the military and he tells me stories I got to say, sounds pretty hard.
Like, so this stuff you had to do? I’m like, what? You know, like you had
to do that? And it sounds so crazy.

So, I just think that you know, she’s explaining it as something she did.
You know, how could you possibly do that? She said, she did it because you
know, her sorority life wasn’t fulfilling and she wanted adventure and her
sorority sister was in Italy. I feel like the way my husband explained it
to me and I think the way most people would explain it is that you do it
for a reason other than yourself and putting your country over yourself and
that wasn’t mentioned here at all.

GUTFELD: Why didn’t he re-up your husband?

TIMPF: Oh, he didn’t re-up? Oh, I don’t know, because he didn’t want to.
 
HEMMER: He want to spend time with, Kat.

GUTFELD: You know, not much of a veteran, maybe a half a veteran.

TIMPF: Yes, (INAUDIBLE) now 50/50 because we got married.

GUTFELD: I mean, I identify as a veteran without ever serving. Just so you
know. All right. Up next, a host who faked being fun, and now her show is
done.

(MERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: On camera she laughed, while she badgered her staff. And so, all
good things must end. And also the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Yes, the 83-year-
old entertainer just announced that the upcoming 19th season of her show
will be its last. Apparently, she created a workplace more toxic than an
Amazon warehouse in Chernobyl.

Countless allegations surfaced last summer that the show’s work environment
was rife with harassment and discrimination. Following those charges,
Ellen’s ratings dropped faster than Kevin Spacey’s pants at a boy band pool
party. Try to say that fast. But Ellen told the today’s show, home of Matt
Lauer that the bad press, the bad press actually had nothing to do with her
decision. Right. And the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg, it chose to sink.
 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ELLEN DEGENERES, T.V. HOST: If it was while I was quitting, I would have
not come back this year. I really did think about not coming back because
it did, you know, I mean, it was devastating. I am a kind of person, I am a
person who likes to make people happy.

(END VIDEO CLIP)
 
GUTFELD: You know, the real reason she says is it was just too easy telling
the Hollywood reporter, “When you’re a creative person, you constantly need
to be challenged, and as great as this show is and as fun as it is, it’s
just not a challenge anymore.” Well, that’s true. Here’s an idea, when your
viewership is down to 43 percent, why not consider that that challenge?
Enemy time to make sure that my staff isn’t pissed at me like Ellen, I had
my assistant James, ask them how stuff is going so far.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, how’s Greg been behind the scenes lately?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, unbelievable. When I first got this job, Greg flew
to Arkansas and packed my bags for me. And then when we got to New York, he
said I could live in his apartment, and he would go stay at a youth hostel,
which doesn’t really make sense. But oh, yes, the show’s been great.
 
TIMPF: Well, my wedding dress got destroyed right before the wedding. So,
Greg stayed up for 36 hours hand knitting me a new one. And he brought it
to my apartment, delivered it to me. And before he left, he gave my husband
a pedicure. My husband didn’t even asked, Greg just went straight for his
toes. Then he was also the DJ, he cleaned up and we woke up the morning
after the wedding. Greg was in our kitchen, asking us how we liked our
eggs. I don’t know how he got in.
 
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Pretty good, I guess. Although it was weird. The other
day, he came in with this igloo cooler and he said, oh, here’s one of my
kidneys. I was like, Greg, I’m not even sick. And he said, Oh, well, don’t
worry, just in case you are later, you should have this.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Those are pretty exhausting investigation into my staff there,
Kat, I think we can safely say that I am not a jerk, despite the rumors. Do
you think this is just people, when you become successful, you have to
spend less time with people around you because you’re servicing. Take Ellen
Degeneres, she’s servicing millions of people in her show. Therefore, she
has to kind of like mitigate or control the amount of exposure with actual
real people. Does that make sense?

TIMPF: It does in theory, but, but with, with. But I’m still always hanging
out on the street, now I’m super famous. No, but all these reports, there
are so many of them, of people being like multiple you will have the same
story of her handlers for an interview or anything with her would come up
and say don’t look her in the eye.

GUTFELD: But that’s an old story. They, they used that with all celebrities
like Sinatra, somebody who’s in the elevator, don’t look him in the eye. I
always feel that that’s like the go to, to, to —
 
TIMPF: It’s also weird that she won’t acknowledge it at all. She’s like
this had nothing to do with just be like, oh, my ratings are down I’m
leaving. She’s like, no, it’s just not challenging, and I’m so creative,
and I’m actually so good at my job that I have to quit. No, like, new now
challenging, new challenges. She should look at let people look at her.
That could be the new challenge.

GUTFELD: Dana? Ellen is blaming this on misogyny. But there was a, there
were more there were females that were involved in, in criticizing her and
her staff.

PERINO: Yes, that was not, that was gender neutral. That’s what you called
gender neutral. So, when she’s doing the interview with Savannah to me,
like she’s, she has no there’s no joy in her voice, right? So, she’s saying
that she’s ending it on her own terms, because she doesn’t feel challenged
enough. But she actually sounds like she, like there’s a gun to her head.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: So, is that — she’s like, well, if she’s speaking as if, like, she
knows that she has to do this interview and get through it. But if she
really wanted us to believe that, she could be there wasn’t challenge
anymore. I loved it for 19 years. I got a lot of projects coming up and I’m
sorry that people felt that way on my team. We’re moving forward. I mean,
there’s a way to do that. I have to be everybody’s press secretary.

HEMMER: She’s good. That’s really good.
 
BENSON: Speaking of gun to head, how do you think Greg got all those
testimonials from his staff? That was all a gun threat, obviously, the man
is a tyrant.
 
HEMMER: You have an amazing staff. I have a source in Hollywood. His name
is Jesse waters. He said on the fire that Ellen has a staff of about 255
people.
 
PERINO: Yes, that came from Tyrus, actually. Jesse’s source was Tyrus.

HEMMER: So, now, we’re playing the telephone game. Kat, Guy, 255, I like
Ellen. I’ve always liked her on the on the Seinfeld thing when they were
driving around the car in LA and the comedians having coffee —

(CROSSTALK)

HEMMER: (INAUDIBLE) telling Dana earlier today she, she was approachable,
shy, I would say but approachable. I’ve always liked her.

PERINO: She’s quite vulnerable, Greg.

GUTFELD: I can’t stand the woman.

TIMPF: She wants me over and just look at her for a few hours, then I’ll
reconsider.
 
BENSON: Look, having a successful show for 19 years in her seasons in that
day part is really hard. Like, there’s talent there. There are people
working hard. I think part of the issue is when your whole brand is just
joy, happiness. And then this kind of explodes all over it, that is your
problem.
 
TIMPF: Right. She ended every show being be kind to one another.
 
BENSON: Right? That becomes —

GUTFELD: This is why like I’m always angry and mean.

HEMMER: Because that’s who you are.

GUTFELD: That’s who I am. So, it’s not like oh, I’m not going to say to
everybody hug everybody. Then I go outside, I just yell it and we expect to
abuse. You know, the other thing though, is I want her to be a guest on the
show. So I have to defend her and I’m going to say that there’s a lot of
people complain about people just because you complain about your boss,
right? Yes, it’s just like, it’s a thing. It’s a natural thing to do, even
when it’s being recorded by me.

TIMPF: I’ve never. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

GUTFELD: I know. Oh, I can’t wait to the next. OK. Did COVID defeat all you
can eat, or will buffet owners replace stuffing your face?

(MERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Bill Hemmer just asked if we do a show on Friday. I bet he want, I
bet he wants to be on the show, so he gets the car service to go out.
Doesn’t even care. Would you do a show on the weekends?

HEMMER: I was thinking you’re a big shot like Ellen and you do two shows in
a day and that way you get three days —

GUTFELD: That’ll happen soon, but not right now. And also, I love working
on Friday onward. OK, are these the final days for endless buffets? Now
that restaurants are opening back up buffet owners are wondering how to
feed customers while meeting new hygiene restrictions. And the CDC is
clamping down like a pair of tongs on the last strip of bacon.

Instead of the traditional all you can carry to the table without getting
harpooned approach, cruise ships and casinos are considering service
options like point in grunt where diners gesture at the food and an
employee dumps it on their plates, just like they do at SeaWorld also
prison. Or they talk about using the arrow glove which is the plastic hand
wrap, much like the ones we all wear when handling Kat’s hair extensions.
Disgusting what’s on that.

Buffets are hard to keep clean. The food sits for hours. There’s cross
contamination and the sneeze guard are always disgusting. A bearable Sim
City of snot. Still, I’ll miss the buffet. Where else can a man eat expired
sushi and glazed pizza like it’s his last meal, only to wash it down with a
Coke Zero. So, let’s pause for a moment to remember this culinary
greatness. In lieu of flowers, just go to Arby’s.
 
BENSON: I can’t, I can’t believe how quickly you bounce back from how sad
that was. He was so young. I should gather myself.

GUTFELD: I hear it’s going to be an open casket.

BENSON: So, it’s like, going back to the good old days, open. And this
actually, I’ve an anecdote.

GUTFELD: OK. And yes, I love anecdote.

BENSON: I was at a buffet style thing recently, it was a very nice salad
bar. And I had my plate ready to go, and as was mentioned there, there was
now an attendant. And they’re like, literally every item, they would say,
would you like this? You couldn’t touch anything because of COVID. We like
this, we’d like that. And I felt shamed. Like I didn’t take as much as I
want them. Like I’m like, Oh, that’s more than enough for shooter. I’m
like, No, it’s not. Hey, I want more, but I can’t say like someone’s gonna
be judging you. Yes, maybe it’s like good for my health. But it was sad. I
wanted not to be judged.

GUTFELD: That’s a great study. Because you did that with somebody was
looking at you while you’re at a buffet and costs you —

BENSON: A hundred percent. Well, you have to affirmatively say yes to every
single thing. You’re going to take loss. And yes, you are a very special
person.

GUTFELD: I would be so obnoxious. What are you joking? Look at me, four
slices of bacon. This is a buffet, I get 20 like it’s why not and then I’m
going to throw away half of it. No, I won’t. I won’t do that, Bill. What
are you, what do you are you going to miss the buffet?

HEMMER: Those things are big in New York City, by the way, by the way, you
know the city that was?

GUTFELD: Yes, the city no longer exists.

HEMMER: By the way what I was getting when you said buffets in New York.
What flashed in my head was a really terrible story. Dana, do you remember
those buffet stories that were happening a couple years ago in New York
where somebody was going into the bodegas and doing bad things? Come on.
Yes. That happened. Oh, we talked about this. We did not. Remember this. It
happened. It happened in Midtown. There was a phantom pooper.

PERINO: I remember that.

GUTFELD: It she Google —

TIMPF: The greatest thing in the world.

BENSON: I don’t think Dana spends a lot of time in Midtown Bodega, so she
probably wasn’t overly concerned.

GUTFELD: Are you implying that she’s racist? Because you’re right. No. No,
OK. I have to wash my brain from that thought. But it happened. So Bill,
are there any favorite buffet foods?

HEMMER: I think for me now, chicken wings, chicken wings. Bacon. OK, here’s
a here’s the thing, cat. So when you go to any buffet in New York City,
they all have the same stuff. It’s like the same soup and they have the,
the big silver things as turkey chili, chicken noodle. And then and then
the specials are the same. And then you have the chicken wings. You got the
lasagna? baked potato. There’s one place that makes all this Where is it?
It’s not it’s not in the bodega is a big place somewhere in Brooklyn.
That’s the size of like the world’s largest cemetery and they’re just
scooping it out of the ground. It’s — people!

TIMPF: Yes, it’s disgusting. All you can eat buffets are disgusting, but
also so many of the best things about life, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, there was this Chinese buffet in Hillsdale, Michigan when I
went to college at Hillsdale and I would love to go there and just eat and
eat. And I felt terrible for the rest of the day after every time. But I
say after every time because I did keep going back.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You know, what’s interesting about it, this, get to
this analogy. You look forward to a buffet, like going and then you get
there and within 10 minutes, you’re regretting what you’ve done to
yourself. It’s like those Brazilian mean, meat restaurants where they keep
coming over. So it’s, I think it’s just like sexual promiscuity. The idea
itself, the endless supply of sexual novelty seems enterprising or fun guy,
but then after 10 minutes, you’re like, I’m tired. I’m hungry. Let’s go to
the buffet.

BENSON: Was that directed at me for a particular reason, Greg?

GUTFELD: I don’t know why I said guy. I just figured.

BENSON: Oh, I think you do.
 
PERINO: But it’s not scientific. This whole thing.

GUTFELD: No, it’s not scientific.

PERINO: That’s why it’s making me mad. COVID doesn’t spread on surfaces.
Now, we don’t have to wear masks indoors. This is all nonsense and
unnecessary, and I want my buffet back.
 
GUTFELD: I want my buffet back too. We are losing, we are losing parts of
America.

PERINO: It’s unnecessary. The Golden Chorale has a great buffet. And my
sister, Angie, she would do anything to go there.
 
GUTFELD: There’s a Midtown — never mind.’ It was golden too, but for the
wrong reasons. I don’t know what, what’s wrong with me, but it’s something
really bad happened to me.

HEMMER: I think you’re OK.

GUTFELD: OK. We’ll be right back.

(MERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Why would you? Thank you Dana Perino, Bill Hemmer and Guy Benson,
Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with Shannon Bream is
next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you America.

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