所以本周早些时候, people freaked out about 中国 launching that nuclear-capable hypersonic missile, 令美国吃惊的武器装备进步. 官员. 我知道! Who knew China would launch something harmful that ends up going around the world—probably should’ve been prepared for that
显然地, the long march rocket ended up missing its target by only 24 英里. But it’s just like getting up in the middle of the night to pee, it’s close enough to matter.
But look – I think we’re focusing on the wrong stuff! China may have just launched a hypersonic weapon, but we’re killing them in so many other areas. They only have two pronouns. 我们有 237.
And despite launching a rocket, they have no diversity program. Ever see a pic of all their astronauts? They’re all Chinese! 与此同时, we’re really good at building nonbinary bathrooms, complete with private changing rooms. In case you feel like hitting the battlefield looking fun and flirty. We may lose the war, but we’ll all be buried in Versace’s fall collection.
True: China’s schools are so good they churn out many of our top STEM 学院 grads. But our schools are better because we’ve learned teaching math is racist. They’re colonizing their neighboring countries. But we are decolonizing science!
But don’t get depressed! While China is busy trying to destroy us, we are too! You think China’s got an edge on America – you haven’t seen how America is doing, Against America. We are killing it! 从字面上看.
是啊 – we are kicking our ass, and we don’t need your help China! We already beat you to it. We have a black belt in self-destruction!
Take this barely reported story. 根据《纽约邮报》, a fire started by a sailor/arsonist, that destroyed the massive navy ship, USS Bonhomme Richard, last year was allowed to burn for days due to both individual and systemic failures. It was due to a crew that was “inadequately prepared” to battle the blaze.
是啊, inadequately prepared – if only there was some water nearby to put out the fire. A report finds that there were widespread lapses in training, coordination, 沟通, fire preparedness, equipment maintenance and overall command and control. But other than that, everything ran great!
当然, how important really are those variables, as long as you denounced white rage when communicating with the firefighters. 毕竟, those long hoses represent the patriarchy that’s oppressing women for centuries. So the 海军 had to scrap the ship, cuz it would have taken 7 年和 3 billion dollars to fix it.
Trump weighed in and said he could do it in ten months, for under ten grand, if they agree to renaming the ship. 不知何故, fixing this ship doesn’t qualify as infrastructure, but free education for illegals does. 所以, we can’t put out a fire, but we did read up on anti-racism and white supremacy. We can’t fight fires but we can fire military academy members simply because they were appointed by Trump.
今天, it seems that wokism is the only thing that’s flame retardant. 好, that and Biden’s spider-man pajamas. But it shows how we are beating China, at beating ourselves.
I wonder what the angry white male has to say.
汤姆·希鲁（Tom Shillue）: The way China has been acting lately—embarrassing us on the world stage, acting aggressively in the south China sea and then there is the virus, I call it the China virus but I guess you’re not supposed to do that—I keep thinking the united states is going to do something about it. But we keep trading with them and acting like nothing is wrong. I guess it’s because we’re nice. 是的, 就是这样, we’re nice!
Fact is, that hypersonic weapon only exposed the folly of our priorities. We are no longer competing with China as a superpower, we are dismantling the superpower that we once were. For every new standard their weapons set, we lower a standard in our schools. We are our very own enemy now, and we don’t even have to lift a weapon. We are the weapon.
Because when our military, and intelligence sees the typical American as a threat, China already won. 当然, we never made it hard for China. That country has the advantage of not having an academic, media and entertainment establishment that works overtime to subvert their security.
I guess that’s part of America being a free country, but why be so maliciously stupid about it. Just because we can destroy ourselves – why should we destroy ourselves? Something my primary care physician asks me every time he sees me shirtless.
China also does not produce social justice warriors, whereas we’ve become the world’s assembly line of these fascist cretins. A nuclear weapon can destroy a city, but just one woke warrior can destroy everything without blowback radiation. No wonder China embraces woke American companies.
China gets paid by America, while propping up a pernicious ideology that permanently craps all over America. It’s like paying a hitman to shoot yourself. Our companies embrace Black Lives Matter here, while embracing slave labor there. And like the women’s soccer team in Tokyo, 美国输了. Because we ignore the bigger, uglier problem, while obsessing over problems that don’t exist.
So as China reaches for the stars – and I don’t mean LeBron James or John Cena – We reach for the anti-racist policy manual. 这是可悲的: China gave us both 冠状病毒病 and Stockholm syndrome.
Perhaps we should be quaking in our boots. But they’re probably made in China anyway.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the October 20, 2021 版本 “古特费尔德!”