Greg Gutfeld: You know you're in deep, when you litigate the definition of 'stranded'

Remember this classic blast from the past?

Bill Clinton, September 1998: “It depends upon what the meaning of the word “is” is”

As it turned out, “is” meant “your wife is going to lose to Trump in 20 years.” Didn’t see that coming.

And you know you’re in deep, when you’re litigating the definition of “stranded.”

Tuesday’s White House press briefing, Peter Doocy: Most of the criticism is not of leaving Afghanistan? It’s the way that he has ordered it to happen by pulling the troops before getting these Americans who are now stranded. Does he have a sense of that?

Jen Psaki: First of all, I think it’s irresponsible to say Americans are stranded. They are not. We are committed to bringing Americans who want to come home, home. 

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Doocy: there are no Americans stranded is the white house’s official position on what’s happening in Afghanistan? 

Psaki: I’m just calling you out for saying that we are stranding Americans in Afghanistan.

Got it – so it’s just like Tom Hanks wasn’t really stranded on that desert island – he was vacationing with a ball he talked to! Boy, I’m glad we didn’t know this when “Gilligan’s Island” was on TV.  It would have ruined the whole plot!

I thought Peter Doocy left her stranded with that question but somehow she found her way out. She’s Bagdad Bob, with a bob! Talk about splitting hairs with a Taliban’s machete.

I wonder if there are other words we aren’t using to her satisfaction.

*Skit of Psaki recharacterizing issues in the workplace*

It seems like America is stranded in more ways than one. Our military leaders have allegedly told President Biden that he’ll need to make a decision soon on whether to extend the deadline to withdraw forces from Afghanistan. Because that’s the correct order for an evacuation: first, give up control of the airport, then try to fly everyone home. That’s as smart as putting on a helmet after you were shot out of a cannon. Which is what I think happened to Joe at some point in his life.

But it shows you the intellectual constipation that paralyzes our so-called leaders. They extended wars indefinitely; lost lives, and millions of dollars, but at least the paperwork’s in order. Meanwhile, the Taliban says they’ve drawn a red line on deadlines. And you know they mean it.    

It’s not an Obama red line in Syria… Which he enforced as well as Covid rules at his birthday party. I’m so glad I skipped that. 

But the Taliban issuing orders to us – it’s like pouring salt on the wound — it’s like after being fired, and security tells you: “No, you can’t take your unicorn coffee mug. That belongs to the company.”

But here the Taliban got everything anyway, including the coffee mug. 

Did you see all the weaponry they got? If this doesn’t make them celebrate Christmas nothing will.

It’s practically impossible to get a long rifle in New York City to shoot rats – but we just handed over thousands of rifles, shotguns and howitzers to a group of radical Muslim fighters. They’re now on equal footing with a middle school in Chicago!

We paid for all of that, and some of that will likely be used against us later. 

So as we watch this calamity continue to unfold we should probably stop listening to our leaders and start listening to our troops. Like this fella here.

Jon Jackson, Afghanistan Vet, Monday: The more stupid and naive Americans are, is a testament to what our war fighters are doing overseas.  The more we take that fight to the enemy, the more stupid and naive we are as Americans, because the moment we are woke nation, that means somebody has gotten in through the wire, done what they need to do, and wake this nation up, but it’s the American war fighter who is out there, keeping our country safe and keeping America stupid.

It’s a good point.  The reason why so many of us, me especially, weren’t thinking about Afghanistan much – is because we didn’t have to. The work was being done by those brave fighters, so we never really had to consider the threat coming here.

To use an adage: we all enjoy the sausage we just don’t wanna see how it’s made. But now this catastrophic end shows us the sausage in reverse…and it sucks. I take some responsibility.

I’m one of millions who got distracted by the life of nonstop, attention-grabbing entertainment. As I lose myself in “The Bachelor” and Peloton, there unfolded a mess based on decades of incompetent leadership and corruption. 

Meanwhile our media fussed over pronouns and toxic masculinity. And now the most toxic males on the planet are locked & loaded, on our dime. If only our military leaders were as woke about countries like Afghanistan as they are about us.

Remember this moment.

Gen. Mark Milley, June 23: I want to understand White rage. And I’m White, and I want to understand it.

Good for you. But next time, maybe prioritize. I’d put winning wars and protecting Americans in front of “understanding white rage.”

And where’s Kamala in all this?

Kamala Harris, Singapore, Monday: The caution that if you want to have Christmas toys for your children, it might now be the time to start buying them because the delay may be many many months.”

What the hell is she doing?

But I guess talking about Christmas makes sense after what we just gave the Taliban. 

So never mind thousands of Americans lives that are at risk…. your kids are not gonna have that new Gameboy (made in China) if we don’t cut carbon emissions in this country by another 25 percent.

To think our media once thought Sarah Palin was a lightweight. Kamala makes Palin look like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and another Margaret Thatcher.

Look I know our leaders are often idiots. But we can’t be this stupid anymore and send our kids to foreign lands for decades, only for it to culminate in… this.

The least that our inept leaders can do is not arm the enemy. That’s like our cops buying Antifa blow torches, hammers and getaway cars.

But you gotta wonder why Kamala would bring up Christmas in August. Maybe, she’s knows that in December, she’ll be too busy being president.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the August 24, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”

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