They’re extending the federal mask mandates on planes, trains and other public transit for another 15 days. Add that to 14 days to flatten the curve. We’re talking almost 30 days of inconvenience.
So you have to wear them on your next flight in between sips of water, vodka, tequila or, in my case, the tears of children. Without it, I’ll shed this beautiful body like a snake.
And if you don’t don the mask, you’ll likely be scolded by someone with an ax to grind. Now, of course, it depends on the crew you got. Some are really great, some aren’t.
Like the attendant who wakes you up from a harmless slumber because your diaper slipped a millimeter like it’s an oxygen mask and they’re saving your life.
Meanwhile, they didn’t even notice I had removed my boxers and filled them with crushed ice and peach schnapps.
Yeah, of course, this mask mandate is not backed by science. I can’t find any research saying today is any more COVID-y than 15 days from now. If anybody could show me that, I’ll send you some pictures of Tyrus that I took when he was sleeping.
But does the virus need to give two weeks’ notice before it quits? And besides, research shows that planes have the safest air around thanks to HEPA filters and efficient circulation.
This is why they can keep serving lentils for lunch. You didn’t know that, did you?
Anyway, I read somewhere that if you lived your whole life on a plane, you’d live longer with reduced risk for all types of death.
True, you’re definitely at less risk of getting shot — unless your plane flew over Chicago. And yes, I made up that stat, but that’s what the experts do.
And even though this mandate is pointless, the media doesn’t think it goes far enough. I mean, why only 15 days?
MSNBC’S ANDREA MITCHELL: Why only 15 days?
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI: Well, I think, Andge, because it’s a moving target and we really want to see what the pattern is here in the United States.
He calls her “Andge.” Here’s a pattern Fauci hasn’t noticed: COVID is ending whether he likes it or not. He knows his 15 minutes are up, so he’s trying to stay relevant 15 days at a time.
And while everybody with a brain hates masks, the ladies of “The View,” who are exempt from the “having a brain” category — they’re on board.
SUNNY HOSTIN: When it comes to things like flying, the mask mandate is supposed to be lifted April 18. I don’t want to get on a plane with super-spreaders. I don’t want to get on a plane with 214 other people that are going to be breathing on me with their COVID breath. I don’t want it. I want the masks.
Then wear 20 masks and stay home, you creep. That’s advice I’d give to “The View” even if there wasn’t a pandemic — no wonder Whoopi took off.
“The View” is more dangerous than any jumbo jet. For one, it’s louder and spews way more pollution.
And if you think Sunny is annoying on TV, imagine sitting next to her on a long flight. Even al-Qaeda would say, “Get me off this plane.”
She’s an A-h—. She said she didn’t want people breathing on her with their COVID breath. People breathing on her? What, is she slow-dancing with people in coach?
Do you think that’s really about COVID? It’s too hateful, too angry, and it reveals their need for polarization: us vs. them. It’s the thing among the entitled and the elite.
When you run out of race angles, make it about disease, make it about the COVID-spreaders — those people with their COVID breath, they’re so gross, I bet they’re poor.
Those unwashed masses who fly coach and have to bring their own snacks on board, usually beef jerky.
Meanwhile, the mask-wearers serve the hors d’oeuvres as maskless big-shots in first [class] slobber them down.
But it’s all about blaming others, which gives Hostin a good hit of dopamine — emphasis on dope and mean.
Of course, our politicians exploit the average person’s instinct to be decent. They know we’re not going to make a fuss, so you just hunker down and take the punishment like a good sadomasochist bent over seat 18C waiting to be paddled while double-masked, wearing both an N-95 and a ball gag.
What if they extend it again and they never stop? At a certain point, fliers have to make a decision: You keep taking it or you share the risk if you speak up.
They can’t kick off four aisles at once. Well, they probably can. So I’m not advocating it.
But at some point the public must decide when the country’s had enough. Sort of like how democracy was meant to work. Maybe the next two weeks, don’t fly at all. Let them know.
“Wait, but Greg, I’ve got business in Albuquerque next week.” Well, guess what? Now you’ve got an ear infection and you can’t fly per orders of Dr. Gutfeld. Yeah, I bet you didn’t know I went to med school. That’s because I didn’t.
But if it doesn’t stop Dr. Jill, why should it stop me?
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the April 14, 2022, edition of “Gutfeld!”