'Gutfeld!' on COVID and mask hysteria

RAYMOND ARROYO, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No one should be going to these genocide Olympics. And that’s before considering their awful efforts to hide the pandemic. Skip the games, watch not one minute of them, but do spend time with those you love. That’s it for us. I’m Raymond Arroyo, thanks to Laura and the Anglers for letting me sit in tonight. Greg Gutfeld next.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: My mouth, I have no control. Happy Friday. So there’s anything we learned from COVID, it’s that our leaders and experts lie and they suck. That’s it. Goodnight, everybody. First, a leader, so called leader V.P. Kamala Harris, or as Joe calls her President Harris, as she attempts to string some words together like cheap, half blinking Christmas lights. And she’s the dimmest bulb.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Six former administration officials last week broke that open letter urging the administration to change course, to change strategy. Is it time?

KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: It is time for us to do what we have been doing in that time as every day. Every day, it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this thing down.


GUTFELD: That time is every day. Wow. It’s like a song lyric. That’s not word salad. That’s a turd salad. With a vinegret of voter regret. She just starts talking hoping the words line up like kids at the school cafeteria, but instead they scatter like a deck of cards in a strong wind. Two metaphors tied together. It’s funny. The Dems were hoping her youthful enthusiasm would rub off and Biden which is hard to do because they’ve only been in the same room twice in the last year.

But instead Biden’s incoherence has rubbed off on her. Apparently it’s as contagious as Omicron. Here’s the comparison.


JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Count the vote, count the vote, count the vote.

HARRIS: I urge people to — you can Google it or go on to any search engine and find out where free testing and the free testing site is available.

BIDEN: And to help lead our federal testing program. I’ve taught — I’ve taught ? excuse me, I’ve tapped Dr. Tom — I hope I pronounced Ingle.


BIDEN: Ingelsby. Correct?

HARRIS: I have to look at the current information. I think it’s going to be by next week. But soon, absolutely soon and it is a matter of urgency for us.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Should we have done that sooner?

HARRIS: We are doing it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But should we have done it sooner?

HARRIS: We are doing it.


GUTFELD: Yes. Wow. It’s like she caught a new variant call it Joemicron. It rots the brains of mediocre politicians. No wonder they inspire as much confidence as a doctor would in the operating room wearing a female body inspector t-shirt, speaking to doctors. This week, we found out that our top scientists thought COVID did in fact leak from a lab but they were too worried that further debate would harm science in China.

Yes. Because the last thing we want to do is bring a halt to those lab experiments they’re doing on caged poodles and Uyghurs. This according to recently surfaced e-mails in which one expert admits from nearly a year ago that a likely explanation was that COVID had rapidly evolved in a low security lab. Yes, a low security lab. No, maybe it’s me. But that sounds like the worst kind of lab. At least for messing around with deadly viruses.

Kat follows better safety protocols when she makes meth in her garage. The e-mail to Fauci and Dr. Francis Collins of the NIH suggests a virus was primed for rapid transmission between humans. That’s a pretty big whoops, even bigger than the daily one in Biden’s slacks. So what did the experts do? Did they leap into action to get the truth out? Fat chance, my Friday friends. They threaded that even debating gain of function research would do unnecessary harm to science in general and science in China in particular.

Francis Collins warned it could damage international harmony. That’s right. They kept it quiet not to protect you but to protect the feelings of the brutal like dictatorship. That’s a sensitive as a chubby kid on TikTok. Speaking of harmony, what was call is the former head of the NIH doing rather than telling us the truth? This.


FRANCIS COLLINS, AMERICAN PHYSICIAN: Somewhere pass the pandemic when we’re free there’s all life I remember, full of activity.


GUTFELD: You know I’m looking at the signer over there and I’m thinking, you know, this is a time when I envy the deaf. I think my ears are going to charge me with murder. So, yes, Nero fiddles while Rome burned and while a pandemic raged, Francis played his guitar like an (BLEEP) counselor ruining your s’mores. So the e-mails revealed that scientists were less interested in science than politics, and felt it was better to hide the origins of a deadly virus.

They’d be open with those of us who were about to die. Now there were people like us who knew the virus likely came from that lab, somewhere scientists and they were roundly mocked, someone called racist. Yet privately, the mocking experts agreed with them. And yet they let the people who said this publicly hung out to dry just to protect their own asses and their own grants.

They said we were nuts and tinfoil hats that told us to wear masks in our cars, empty parks and swimming pools. It raises the point just how sane were the scientist in the first place? They created a deadly virus thinking they could then reverse engineer a vaccine in the name of science. Well, why not just not create the virus, then you don’t need to reverse engineer the vaccine. They’ve already made vaccines to fight natural viruses.

So we really didn’t need to invent new deadly or creepier ones. But hey, where’s the fun in that if you want to play God and keep sucking at the government teat? Which leads to the bigger question accountability. I’m not saying that this manmade virus was leaked on purpose. I’m pretty certain no one really wanted to kill more than 10 million people. But in this arrogant murky universe, experts knew there’s a risk, you could leak a deadly manmade virus, but they deemed the risk acceptable.

And when it happened, they blamed it on the wet market, which is pretty much a gross version of Trader Joe’s. Well, just down the road researchers were bumbling around like a bunch of nutty professors. How convenient. The pandemic had nothing to do with the scientists say the scientists. And so Republicans had to force their hand to grant access to the documents after the scientific institutions repeatedly resisted efforts to come clean.

And these e-mails show that scientists were already trying to silence any debate claiming it would distract top researchers from their active duties. Yes, the way a nuclear weapon heading towards New York would distract people from going to work. So don’t tell them. Collins worried that the voices of conspiracy will quickly dominate, perhaps because in that case, those voices were right.

And Collins awful singing can’t drown them out anymore. So they covered up the truth and now we’re all covering our faces. They knew the lab leak was realer than they let on and now we’re left with millions of dead. Call it manslaughter. But the crime was in the gamble. They decided to roll the dice. It was an accidental release, but born from a risk that they happily accepted like a drunk driver getting into his car.

Sure someone might get killed but it probably isn’t going to be me. They put the reputations above human lives. To them you weren’t much more than the contents of a Petri dish. So what’s the punishment for that? Hell even in the most liberal craphole of a city they make it post bail.


GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. His politics say conservative but his beard says daddy. Outspoken editor-in-chief and contributing editor at The Spectator, Chadwick Moore. If she hears one more southern stereotype so slap you with our possum. Fox Business Anchor Dagen McDowell. Democrats say his comedy is worse than January 6. Founder of the leftistparty.com, Michael Loftus.

And she’s proof blondes have more fun if by fun you mean priors. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. Yes. So Michael, what is worse than your wardrobe? The content of our so-called experts or our politicians,


GUTFELD: Thank you.

LOFTUS: Can they all be equal, Greg?

GUTFELD: Yes, they can.

LOFTUS: This — I find this whole thing deeply disturbing. Seriously. They’re worried about oh, this might affect science in China.


LOFTUS: I’m going to invite them to go to any college campus. Science in China is going to be just fine.


LOFTUS: They’re not going to — they’re not going to retake a big hit. But here’s the thing that I really want to get into. It’s like our options were — are what? Accidental leak and bad soup. I’m all for that litter rail that whole hey, let’s do this on purpose.


LOFTUS: Like they keep dialing up these different viruses. This one just seemed too perfect. It’s like this one kills redheads. This one kills blondes. Oh, would you like something in a kills fat diabetics? Ooh, that sounds lovely. Can you get that out right before the election?

GUTFELD: With that — I mean, that — that is the premise though was that, you know what, this isn’t actually, you know, really valuable exercise. We create the killer so we can figure out how to stop the killer but the problem is they created the killer and the killer got loose. It almost sounds like a movie, Dagen.

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS ANCHR: You know what, if people watched more movies about in the 80s, then we would — this would never have happened. And let me explain. What happened to our healthy fear of communism?


MCDOWELL: And communist countries wipe the United States off of the face of the Earth. Take away our luscious freedoms, like my parents raised me to be — well, fear the Soviet Union. They had nukes. They hated America. I watched Rocky and Bullwinkle. Boris and Natasha taught me really, you know, most kill moose and squirrel, wear moose and squirrel. And then 1984 Best Movie, maybe ever Red Dawn.

Of course. See, Thomas Howell gave me the tingles.


MCDOWELL: So that’s why we’re out the VHS tape. But again (INAUDIBLE) the Soviet Union was evil. But it wasn’t just the Soviet. I’m not talking McCarthyism, you know, the Red Scare, like, hunt people down. But we would never — like don’t these old Coots, Gordon Lightfoot and Tony Fauci, don’t they realize that this communist government, why would you give them money if you knew that they were going to do experiments in a lab that wasn’t safe which we knew about years —


GUTFELD: A low level — I mean, at least make it a high level lap.


MCDOWELL: They want to destroy the United States. And if they had, you know, my knowledge from say, Patrick Swayze movies, this would never have happened.

GUTFELD: Low level. I mean, just put that little weather-stripping in the windows. It’s like 70 bucks.

LOFTUS: And this is the only lab in China that doesn’t have security cameras?



LOFTUS: Like we don’t know what happened.

GUTFELD: That’s why — so this is the — this is the question, Chadwick that I haven’t heard asked. OK. So I’m not talking about premeditated murder. I’m talking about negligence. Nobody want — Fauci at all, that they didn’t want to kill a bunch of people, they thought — they thought in their heads, that they were saving future lives, right? So they were doing God’s work, so to speak, you know, they were like, they’re saving millions by creating waste new.

But instead 10 million — lots, they did it in a careless lab in a careless way. What kind of accountability is there? Is there — I’m putting this — I mean, is there like death penalty for the you know, I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m just putting that out there. I’m not — it’s not for me to say because, you know —

LOFTUS: Something’s going to happen.

GUTFELD: Something’s going to happen. But I don’t even know —


GUTFELD: I don’t even know who you arrest and that’s another question we’ll catch you. But like who do you charge?

CHADWICK MOORE, CONTRIBUTING EDITOR, THE SPECTATOR WORLD: I mean, well, you know, we know what the penalty for treason is in this country that’ supposed to be. But I won’t say that on television. I don’t know — what’s the next logical thing to happen would be an international treaty against gain of function research on this type. But nobody’s even talking about that. It doesn’t seem like that’s even on the table because science is winning.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

MOORE: You know, we have to keep the research going. I was most surprised to learn about this international harmony that we apparently have.

GUTFELD: I know.


MOORE: And it’s just, you know, it’s so fragile, we’ve had it for so long. I guess the next time there’s a genocide occurring, what do we do to make sure that doesn’t disrupt international harmony? Do you have a jam sesh?


GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. Yes.


LOFTUS: — calls for a drum circle.


KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: That’s the attitude people like abusive relationships, like I know, I’m being horribly mistreated, but I wouldn’t want to disrupt the harmony. And then like the massive gas lighting that all of us were subjected to, like, if anybody for a while dare to say, hey, this virus that broke up in this — broke out in the same neighborhood as this lab full of viruses, maybe came from the lab full of viruses.

They were like, you’re insane. You are so crazy that you’re crazy is dangerous. And I banish you from the online. Like gas lighting. It’s crazy.

GUTFELD: Yes. It was — it was so funny because I don’t know if it was here in “THE FIVE.” I said, what are the odds? This has got to be almost two years ago? What are the odds that it broke out where the lab was? What are the odds of that?


GUTFELD: And like people — like that would get picked up and they would call me crazy. And they — and also, if you just mentioned the name China, a link to the lab, then you’re a racist. But you could say this was what was weird about this whole thing that made me think it was a cover up. If you sent a Chinese lab that was racist, but if you said the Wuhan market which was a Chinese market, that wasn’t racist.

When in fact — when in fact, that’s actually more racist because you’re attributing it to a cultural practice.


GUTFELD: And it really is a farmers market. The reason why it’s wet it’s because they hose down the ground after they chop up the meat and most of it is stuff to eat. There’s a few exotic animals here and there, and they’re not that good. Take it from me. But anyway —


LOFTUS: I like to get the water after when they hose it down. That’s when it’s good.


LOFTUS: — it’s all mixed together.


LOFTUS: A jambalaya.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, the thing is so — here’s the other reason why a lot of people didn’t want to blame China and again, I must have said this two years ago. I don’t know when. It can’t be two years ago, let’s say 18 months. It’s not just about them, because we sponsor it so we can’t say — we can say, oh to evil China, we’re there. So that means if you were to do a lawsuit you couldn’t just sue China.

You’d have to sue the United States. You’d have to — because it was — their sponsorships in the U.S. Fauci is like, you know, will oversaw this, you know, the research funding. We like that. We like that lab. So it’s going to be on — we went, I think we went to that lab. Anyway, read the book Viral by Matt Ridley. We had him on here. He nailed this thing down. It’s like insane, but when it’s just — I don’t know what to do.

It’s crazy. Accountability. Still to come. We’ll check in with Tyrus later in the show. But first, was Gorsuch wrong to argue a case without a diaper on his face?


GUTFELD: She stashed her kid in the trunk because she thought she’d get the COVID funk. It’s a reprieve in one mom’s fight for treating her son like Samsonite. Yes. Here’s an update on some crap we told you about on Monday. This Houston mom and teacher, aren’t they all? Was accused of putting her COVID-positive kid in the truck, so she wouldn’t get exposed to the virus. But a judge said there’s no probable cause to charge her.

And that’s Texas where everyone gets the electric chair. Even those arrested for stealing electric chairs. But her case could still go before a grand jury. Meanwhile, Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch drew the ire of The New York Times the rag shaming him for not wearing a mask during oral arguments. My favorite kind, about Biden’s backs mandates, “Gorsuch had to know that his masklessness could make other justices uncomfortable.

Gorsuch lack of a mask inside the courtroom seemed needlessly risky and disdainful of his colleagues. But how more comfortable do these justices need to be? They’re already wearing robes, and not much else. What I heard is true, but perhaps Gorsuch doesn’t wear a mask to keep all the ladies at bay, right? Because as it turns out, masks make you hotter. And not just in terms of lip sweat.

A humongous British study of 43 people found that women were more attracted to pictures of masked men than those who are maskless. They must go for the looters. One researcher thinks it’s because people focus more on the eyes. But we know that’s B.S. It’s really all about hiding what the Brits are known for. Yes, those gnarly teeth. USA, USA. I don’t even think they watch the show over there. So what do they know? But we wanted to put this theory to the test here in the States.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, mom. The doctor said the rash on my back isn’t contagious. So that’s good. Oh, I got to go. My blind date is here. All right. Bye-bye.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hi. You must be Chris.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. I don’t think this is going to work.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Because the vibe is all wrong? And you’re not wearing a mask.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, I’m sorry. I have one right here. OK. I got my mask right here.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh. Hello, gorgeous. What are you doing later? And then every day after that?


GUTFELD: I don’t know what is Gene trying to tell me. And why don’t I not like it? Kat, who’s buying this mask study? Let’s be honest, huh? Come on. Who’s behind it?

TIMPF: I don’t know. I don’t know but it’s not — I think the only way —

GUTFELD: Pig mask, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes. I won’t — you know, I think — I believe in big masks.


TIMPF: I know I do because I — now without makeup, I’m probably more attractive with a mask because of the rosacea that I’ve developed because of the mask. So, I’ve actually gotten less attractive. And now I need the mask. But I didn’t need it before I was — I was perfect. And now I’m — and now I’m not. I’m sick of it. And, you know, I noticed like all the T.V. that we watch. There’s not — they’re not all wearing masks which makes sense because the actors need to be able to convey the emotions of the characters.

So that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why is that not something considered important for the rest of us in real life?

GUTFELD: That’s true. That’s true. By the way, rosacea sounds better than it is.

TIMPF: It’s –yes, it’s not.

GUTFELD: It’s a beautiful name, rosacea.

MOORE: Probably, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s like a — it’s like a type of wine. I’ll take the rotation, but it’s not. It’s actually not — it’s no fun, Chadwick and can I can’t believe you’re making light of it like this.


GUTFELD: You know, if you wear a mask —


TIMPF: Why he’s laughing at my skin condition.

GUTFELD: How dare you humiliate my co-host?


MOORE: That’s caused by the mask —


LOFTUS: — covering half your face makes you more attractive. It’s just government propaganda. If you ask me.

GUTFELD: Yes. That’s true though. If you put on a mask you’re going to cover up —


TIMPF: I can’t just grow a beard over my rosacea.

GUTFELD: Yes. Give yourself a few years, Kat. You know, but —


GUTFELD: You know, what was I going to ask you? What are the upsides of wearing a mask though? And I know Kat understands this. You can hide things in your mouth.

LOFTUS: Hide things in your mouth like —


GUTFELD: If you need to go, you know, you need to pop something in your mouth before you get on a plane or go into a concert.


TIMPF: On a plane.

GUTFELD: You put — you put whatever you need inside a little bag you put in your cheek and you put your mask up.


GUTFELD: No one’s figure this out except me.


GUTFELD: Yes. Use an exploit —


MOORE: Single handedly can make TSA more of pain in the ass —


GUTFELD: We need to open your mouth.

MOORE: Well, you can’t stop there.

GUTFELD: I don’t know where I am because you know what? I don’t need to talk to you anymore. You make me sick to my stomach. All right, Dagen. You got the masking study, you got Gorsuch, you got the lady with the trunk which one do you want to attack?

MCDOWELL: I will — well the kid in the car was 13 in the trunk and that’s a hell of a lot more cool riding in the trunk than riding in the car with your mom.

GUTFELD: Oh, so true.

MCDOWELL: But I will see Kat’s rosacea and raise her chronic styes and blepharitis.

TIMPF: I don’t have blepharitis.

MCDOWELL: Right. So —

GUTFELD: But that’s in your eyes.

TIMPF: It’s a rosacea of the eye.

GUTFELD: But how do you get the mask up to your eyes, you weirdos?

TIMPF: No, no, no.


TIMPF: — disgusting breath off.

MCDOWELL: Yes, I am here to bring you news.


MCDOWELL: That the instances of eye infections, styes and blepharitis like eye problems have gone through the roof like 50 percent increase double since COVID because of the mask, it causes excess oil production in your eye glands.

GUTFELD: Oh my gooness.

MCDOWELL: So again, I have a mask on. Oh, don’t — just ignore this giant stye or my — or this goiter around my neck, it’s the size of like Kermit the Frog.

GUTFELD: Oh my goodness.

MCDOWELL: Like this is all — I have fairly decent teeth. This is all I’ve got going for me. Don’t look at my crow’s feet. I made an opposite of a mask. I made like dark sunglasses.

LOFTUS: Dear Penthouse Forum. I was recently on the Gutfeld Show.

GUTFELD: You know that could explain what happened to Pelosi’s eyebrows, right? If it — if it all kind of moves upward because her eyebrows — have you seen them lately?


GUTFELD: Lashes.

LOFTUS: She owes money to McDonald’s for those. That was like the bone. Those are the arches. She went cheeseburgers after that.

GUTFELD: That’s true. What do you — of these three stories, which one —

LOFTUS: It’s also sad.


LOFTUS: They’re like, ooh, masks make your hot. No, they don’t.


LOFTUS: No, they don’t. And you know what else makes your hot? Tequila, booze. Am I right over there, drunky? Come on.

TIMPF: Oh, I forgot. I’m a — I’m a crippling alcoholic.

GUTFELD: You know, it’s true. But it’s — also the people are lying because they’re kind of — they have to virtue signal. Right? If they’re being told, you know, the common assumption is that if you don’t wear a mask, there’s something wrong with you.


GUTFELD: So they’re doing this study and it’s like they go, oh, they actually know what the study is just by looking at it. When they — if they see the picture with the mask they go oh, I get it. I’m supposed to pick that.

LOFTUS: Right. It’s — and it’s like somebody’s doing a study traveling, oh, we’re going to make mask cool and tell them.


LOFTUS: Or there’s someone at the CDC with a serious mask fetish.


LOFTUS: Whose time is common. He just doesn’t want to let it go. He’s like everybody’s wearig a mask? Oh, yes.


MCDOWELL: You know, the people —


LOFTUS: Can you imagine if you have a mask fetish? This is the Golden Age.

GUTFELD: Oh, man. Oh, it’s true. It’s true. It’s like when you — when you have a foot fetish and they have footlocker commercials.

LOFTUS: Right.

MCDOWELL: The real mask fetish though is like you can barely breathe out of it and it’s got a zipper.

GUTFELD: Yes. Those are good times.

MCDOWELL: The people who were —

LOFTUS: Dear Penthouse Forum.

GUTFELD: We got to go. All right.

MCDOWELL: All right.

GUTFELD: Enough of this crap. Up next. Would you name your kid Clayton Payton or Satan?


GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Would you revel naming your brat after the devil? Forget the omens, Damien, here’s a devil child with an even worse name-Mian. But are people right for Hayton that a mom named her son after Satan? An English woman, aren’t they all, is getting flamed online for naming her newborn son, Lucifer. The 27-year-old mother announced it to the whole country during an appearance on a very popular British show, I believe it was Benny Hill.

It’s a great new show, you should check it out. I think it’s on Netflix. But she’s not alone. There’s a new trend among parents called demon naming. I’m sure this is not true. In spite — I just, I can’t — yes, it’s called demon naming. No, it did. No, it’s not whoever wrote this. But anyway, it’s based on the popular TV show, Lucifer, which I think starts Idris Elba.


GUTFELD: That’s great. The mother, however, says she’s not religious and her naming choice wasn’t meant to be satanic. Now, she says she’s even getting death threats for giving her child that demonic name. But come on people, it’s not like she named him something really truly evil, like Prince Andrew? Dagen, that’s not your real name, is it?


GUTFELD: Oh, it is?

MCDOWELL: It’s just my middle name. My first name is Mary.

GUTFELD: Mary Dagen McDowell, get over here.

MCDOWELL: A name like Lucifer is better than being like, named Nigel Beckwith-Smi —

GUTFELD: Or Chadwick.

MCDOWELL: Yes. Or Chadwick Rhys Lloyd Davies.

GUTFELD: Chadwick could you run the whole foods and get me some wine vermin? Take Cody, take Cody, Matty and Noah, and Willeth with you.

MICHAEL LOFTUS, EDIAN: Chadwick, we’re all out of Rose shot.


GUTFELD: You know, but Dagen, isn’t it kind of weird that you can’t pick your own name until you’re — well, obviously, you can’t do on your baby, but maybe that was just a dumb question to begin with?

MCDOWELL: I think a bad name and a cute baby is better than a good name and an ugly baby. Nobody will ever call kids out but I think we ought to — rather than them picking on this mother about the, the name, if the kid’s ugly, like tell her like wash the kid’s hair, why is this so greasy? Why is your kid’s head so much smaller than all the other babies? Oh, but the mother didn’t take a photo of herself holding the baby and she put a filter on for it, and the baby looked — well, like Satan, he looked plastic like Damien. It was really like that — yes.

GUTFELD: Is that the baby?

MCDOWELL: But it looked very —

GUTFELD: I think we should put black blocks over its eyes. I don’t want to be recognized.

MCDOWELL: There was one though that it was like, Damien-Omen-26.

GUTFELD: You know, names are kind of funny, Loftus, what — like, why do we have to have them? Like, would it be great if you were just decided to go nameless and therefore you didn’t whenever you were had a contract or you just don’t put anything down? Why do you have to have a name?

LOFTUS: Why couldn’t we just show them a microchip? Just scan us.


LOFTUS: We’re all numbered 6-6-6. Names are important. Names are like a blessing and they’re a way to remember the people who came before you and stuff like I’m named after a member of you know —

GUTFELD: The monkeys?

LOFTUS: My family. Yes, Michael Nesmith?

GUTFELD: Yes, the late Michael Nesmith.


GUTFELD: No, you’re named after a relative?



LOFTUS: Yes. So, it’s one thing to keep that memory alive. But this lady knows what she’s doing. And this this young lad, Lucifer, someday we’ll thank her. He’s going to get so much tale. It’s like that Johnny Cash song “A Boy Named Sue.”


LOFTUS: Like, it’s going to be rough for him coming up. But when he’s in high school, and there’s like that weird goth girl. She’s going to be like, what’s your name? He’s going to be like, Lucifer. And she’s going to be boom! Devil penny drop.

TIMPF: Talking about high school kids having sex.

GUTFELD: You know —


GUTFELD: I guess it’s kind of nice to have like your offspring or somebody down the road name, name themselves after you but I won’t care because I’ll be dead.

TIMPF: Yes, I don’t have a name for two weeks.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Yes, my first birth certificate says baby girl Timpf.

GUTFELD: Wow. Baby girl —

TIMPF: I should have kept it.


TIMPF: This mom like, I hate what she’s trying to say that she is going to keep the name despite all the hate.


TIMPF: She picked the name so she could get the attention of hate. She called into this show. They didn’t call her, she was like, hey, by the way, I named my kid Lucifer. She wants this attention. She gets so much more upset at anyone just being like, OK —

GUTFELD: That, you know what, to that point, Chadwick, the kids good — he’s got a lawsuit. All he’s got to do is find this target, find that he finds good intent, right. The mom was looking for attention. And ever since you called me, Lucifer, my life’s been — I’ve been stained.

CHADWICK MOORE, CONTRIBUTING EDITOR, THE SPECTATOR: I think it’s a little bit of a cop out because he can go by Lou, he can go Lou —

GUTFELD: Cipher?

MOORE: She should have gone with like Father of Lies Johnson. Mark of the Beast Sullivan, whether last name is. I think that would have been more badass. Lucifer is a little — I don’t think even knew that, that was a satanic word.

GUTFELD: Yes, she just got it off the TV show. Watch “Lucifer.” There you go. All right.

LOFTUS: Lucifer, get your brother Adolph and you get in here.

GUTFELD: Yes, Chairman Mao, sit down. Coming up. He’s a wrestling champ who could bench press your gramps. Terrible.



GUTFELD: Yes, so what do you think would be next? Checking in with a man who shirts or size X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X — yes, this week, we talked way too much about the virus and not nearly enough to Tyrus. Hey, Tyrus, how’s it going? How you doing?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Oh, Gutfeld. I would say I miss you, but I’ve been sitting here the whole time, I just like to point out to the group just so you guys know about the whole Lucifer kid thing, Tyrus is actually name of a demon. So, there you go. We’re all just a bunch of evil little people.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, I do miss you. I could just stare into your eyes. Why don’t we do that for five minutes?

TYRUS: Please don’t.

GUTFELD: Does that make you uncomfortable? Me just staring into your eyes? If you stare into my eyes.

TYRUS: Well, the good news is, if you stare into my eyes, I can’t see it. All I had to do is stand up — so.

GUTFELD: That was uncalled for. So, we have, we have some stories or you know, just to let the audience knows, Tyrus is home, he’s what do you call it? Your home? What do you do? What is that word?


GUTFELD: Sequestering.

TYRUS: House arrest.

GUTFELD: House arrest. Yes. Yes, he’s got a — you know.

TYRUS: You know, hey, you know what I learned, Gutfeld?


TYRUS: What now that I’m doing some homeschooling? I was doing math.


TYRUS: With my daughter. I just want to hold this up for you. We’re in trouble. Three plus two is either four or five or whatever you’re comfortable with. That is an acceptable answer. We’re in trouble. Start learning Mandarin now.

GUTFELD: Yes. I hope she doesn’t get an engineering major and then start designing bridges. Yes, good. It might stay up. I don’t really — so, I want to talk to you. One of the stories we covered this week was CNN’s ratings nosedive by 90 percent. That’s like, you don’t see stuff like that. What should they do?

TYRUS: Well, typically when that happens, you get cancelled.


TYRUS: So, you know, maybe they need to get a whole new variety of shows. All right, here, here’s a crazy idea: try to tell them the news.


TYRUS: You know, just you know, there you go.


TYRUS: Or stop supporting people that do horrible things.


TYRUS: I mean, they literally are the new life after lockup is the CNN entire cast.

GUTFELD: Or, or Tyrus, or Tyrus —

TYRUS: Avenatti.

GUTFELD: — it’s life before lockup.


GUTFELD: Because they all go to jail.

TYRUS: Yes, so there you go. There’s a new reality spin they can do.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, if they, you know, they have this void left by Chris Cuomo, they probably need a TV personality who’s better with women? Like maybe Matt Lauer?

TYRUS: Yes. Well, you know, the funny thing is, is that they’re trying to be — they’ve really upped their game. I actually was flipping through the channels and I literally was listening to them attack Fox News, the entire show. So, it’s literally making everyone — let’s say you weren’t interested in Fox News, they say it so much. It’s like this literally do commercials for Fox News, so people be like, well, hey, I’m going to flip and see what this is about.


TYRUS: So, keep it up CNN we appreciate the numbers.

GUTFELD: Yes, our numbers keep going up, the more they talk about us. All right, we’re going to move on to a more serious story. I know, this is one that you really care about the FBI reporting, that last year, intentional killings of police officers hit a 20-year high. What do you wish was being done to protect our law enforcement, Tyrus?

TYRUS: Well, first and foremost, acknowledging it, this is breaking news. This is a story. If you are ever going to have a panel to talk about a crisis in America, this is it. So, you know, you defended the police, you and you empowered, the, the criminal element, you know, you literally every time a police officer has to make a tough arrest, or someone resists arrest the person and is automatically Rosa Parks.

And you know, the police officers are automatically evil. Even though you know, we’ve had some bad situations, but we never hear about it when it’s on the other side. There’s no information out there for officers, you know, to be told, like, hey, these things are happening, support your local police department. You know, if you see someone who’s talking about doing something bad to a cop? Report it. You know, there’s just nothing, no one’s talking about it.

And I find it just shocking because I rely on the police and my, and my community to keep our streets safe. And I damn sure would be giving them information if I saw stuff or if a news report like this was out there. The fact that they’re not talking about it, because you know, this is more important to me than necessarily talking about January 6th for all hours of the night. Those people are incarcerated.


TYRUS: So, let’s get the people incarcerated, these — shooting these cops, men and women, let’s get them behind bars.

GUTFELD: You know, before we go, you have a fun event in New Orleans coming up. What is it?

TYRUS: OK, well, you know, Gutfeld, the whole King of Comedy thing. You know, I’m trying to smile about it and be supportive, because I guess that makes me a prince, but apparently, I’m going to be the King of New Orleans. So, it’s all good. We all crowned up. Harry Connick, Jr. started this in 1991 as Orpheus, as Mardi Gras. It’s a huge event.

Mardi Gras is big in Louisiana, New Orleans, and I am going to be the monarch on the float. So, it’s going to be pretty cool. There’s a ball, I get a crown and the cloak. So, on top of my NWA television championship, I have enough flair now with my crown and everything else. So, it’s really exciting. It was funny.

It was when they called me, they said, hey, here’s the deal, we’re going to fly you into New Orleans. We’re going to have a band and everything’s going to pick you up and we’ll bring you over. And I was like, I live in Mandeville, Louisiana. And they were like, what? So, you can drive us? Yes, can I drive?

And they’re like, no, you got to do a police escort. And I was like, finally I get to chase police. So, this is cool. So, it’s going to be a whole. It’s a whole thing. And I’m truly honored and humbled by. But again, it just goes back to the success of our show. And how, you know, two three misfits being dumb wrestler, a guy who talks too much, and a woman who wears glasses who doesn’t need them.

TIMPF: I need them now.

TYRUS: We’ve, we’ve now becoming, we’re starting to cross into the mainstream.


TYRUS: I guess everyone’s taking crazy pills. So, congratulations to our team, because they’re starting to be recognized for what we do. And that’s — I’m very proud of that.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, to paraphrase, paraphrase the character from “Jaws,” they’re going to need a bigger float.

TYRUS: You know what —

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus, we got to run.

TYRUS: Yes, and none of those shows get called the King of Late Night.

GUTFELD: That is true. That is true. All right, good, sir. I shall talk to you soon. See you next week. You’ll be back. All right.


GUTFELD: Up next, our fans feeling fickle about an exhibitionist pickle.



GUTFELD: Welcome to “GUTFELD INVESTIGATES,” I’m your host Angela Lansbury. Tonight’s case is the pickle a perv or just a troll thrown a curve. Was a mascot soaked in brine cod having too good time? This week, a collegiate summer league baseball team, aren’t they all? Called the Portland Pickles, let their mascot a giant pickle named, Dylan, take over their Twitter account. Because no one knows social media like fermented condiments.

I never make an Instagram post without running it past a bowl of sauerkraut. Dylan’s first tweet was this picture. Take a look at that with a caption new phone who this? Now, what do you see? I’m torn. Is that just a thumbs up? Or a mascot going full Jeffrey Toobin. Either way, that was his first and last tweet. Four minutes later, the team explained their mascot was misinterpreted that he was just trying to give a thumbs up and not some lewd joke, which is the same excuse I gave at the bus station.

Every day last week. I can’t stop. It’s a problem. Help me. But here’s the kicker, that first tweet also tagged Oscar Meyer and California Senator Scott Wiener so it seems like they wanted to be misinterpreted. So, maybe, he was working as gherkin after all. And that concludes our latest edition of how to be a journalist. The purpose of a mascot is to do mischievous things, right?

MOORE: Yes. And baseball mascots have a real phallus problem, I learned. Did you know the San Diego Padres’ official mascot is called the Swinging Fryer?


MOORE: Yes. The Rockies official mascot is called Dinger.


MOORE: And the Milwaukee Brewers is Bernie and his Sausage friends. This is true. You know that today.

GUTFELD: That’s what makes “GUTFELD INVESTIGATES” hard-hitting Emmy winning stuff. Kat, can you add to that?

TIMPF: Yes, I actually want to say I think Dylan the pickle made two mistakes.


TIMPF: I think one is he didn’t pick a lane. Like you can be a family friendly base — you know, baseball mascot, or you can also be a guy who like takes pictures of his penis and tweets it. You can’t be both.

LOFTUS: Yes, you can’t be both.

TIMPF: What do you do once, you’re closing the door on the other. Number two, this was his first tweet. So, I’ve said it before. I will say it again. Don’t lead with the (BLEEP) pic, Dylan.

GUTFELD: That (INAUDIBLE) a pickle, Dagen. Stop. Go.

MCDOWELL: I’ve had that.

GUTFELD: You’ve done worse.

MCDOWELL: A lot worse. I mean, his complexion is, is much more healthy.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

MCDOWELL: Than some people I’ve been with.

GUTFELD: I hate it when it turns green.

MCDOWELL: I did buy a Portland Pickles t-shirt though —


MCDOWELL: It says, keep pickles weird.

GUTFELD: Oh, there you go.

MCDOWELL: I did not make that up so I’m aware around New York. Maybe it’ll keep the perverts at bay. Well, actually, that’s not what I want.

GUTFELD: Last word to you, Loftus.

LOFTUS: Hey, the kid in the pickle suit, he went for it. He’s got a great story. Dude, I was the Portland Pickle for a day totally did a (BLEEP) pic. You know, it’s a homerun ball.

TIMPF: That inspires, that inspires you.

LOFTUS: You know what, it kind of does. You know what? He’s got a great story for the rest of his life, no matter what he accomplishes. He’s like, and then they were talking about on T.V., on the late-night show. It was awesome.

GUTFELD: There you go. You’re like our show’s mascot, Michael, because you wear a costume, a horrible one, and embarrass us. And on that note, don’t go away. We’ll be right back.


GUTFELD: We are out of time thanks to Tyrus, Dagen McDowell, Chadwick Moore, Michael Loftus, and Kat Timpf. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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