'Gutfeld!' on COVID protocols, ammo shortage in America


GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (D-NY): You will deal with pain you would deal with suffering. La pregunta es, how do you get up? Primero, do you get up? And second, if you get up, how do you get up? Do you get up smarter? Do you get up wiser?




CUOMO: I never touched anyone inappropriately or made inappropriate sexual advances.

BILL CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.



Feliz martes. Asi que, do you remember Newton’s law? Not that Newton. This Newton. Not that Newton, this Newton. Aquí vamos. That went over really well. Isaac Newton once said that for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning much like my nightly massage therapists, forces always come in pairs. And in this case, it’s fear and response to fear. Firearm sales have soared during the crime wave creating an ammunition shortage.

Of course not among the gangs of Chicago in New York City. But the bullet shortage is so bad gangbangers have agreed to limit their shootings to bystanders who aren’t vaccinated. As firearm sales jumped by over 20 million last year, with over eight million new purchases, the ammo started running out. And now firearm instructors are so short on ammo. They’re canceling their courses, which sucks for new shooters like me. En lugar de, we’re practicing with this.


HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: Introducing the Super Soaker 2000. A new generation of Super Soaker. Twice the caliber. Adjustable fire bar.


BUEN CAMPO: sí. So if you’re surprised by this, then you must be surprised by sunrises or tax day or how dumb Joy Behar is. Anythat gets applause. I got to remember that. And anyone with half a brain could see this coming, or half a brain in total. The run on guns is a direct response to a legitimate fear. It’s no different than the sales increase in plywood during and after the riots. But oddly, the fear isn’t stoked by the media hysteria which is usually the case.

They’ll get workedthey’ll get you worked up over any imaginary crisis like sharks or fried eggs or sharks frying eggs. But growing violent crime, you hear crickets. Instead it’s the media’s denial that fuels the gun mania, the media is no different than Hunter Biden’s saying what drug problem? But turn on the local news and it’s all there. A woman gets sucker punched on the street, 10 people shot over a weekend in a big city.

Another woman dies after a brutal mugging every day. It’s a new story that adds to the chilling statistics. mientras tanto, the national news runs from the story like a female staffer running from Andrew Cuomo. And that creepy denial creates more suspicion like these crime waves are somehow acceptable, because it’s fine with the ruling class and they’re well-armed security. Not a lot of street crime at a party in Martha’s Vineyard.

But if Martha owned a convenience store in Baltimore, she’s out of luck. And yet the media tells you you’re nuts to think violence is happening even when you see it with your own eyes. And that is people like me buying guns for protection. Can you imagine? I can’t go on certain carnival rides. But me buying a tactical shotgun is a snap. I love this country. And the media make sure this trend is not going to stop.

The gun store shelves are now as empty as Kat’s medicine cabinet after a long weekend. And for once the media can’t blame right-wing media or the NRA or even Trump like the blood of a gunshot victim. It’s kind of on them. The media is mocking denial and crime statistics. The cheering of police to funding while dismissing the threat to small business owners often minorities is fueling this rise, including among law abiding women and minorities.

They’re buying the guns. Finalmente, diversity as a tool for good. It’s about time. It’s Gutfeld’s rule number 33. Buying a gun is a gateway drug to leaving leftism. Gun ownership leads to immediate wisdom. It’s like the time you saw what damage FICA did to your first paycheck. Oh. If you don’t know what that means, then you’re not working.

mientras tanto, the media and the Dems will drive gun purchases up even more. Smith and Wesson should be sending a Whitman sampler to CNN. It’s a cheap chocolate. Instead of focusing on the bad guys however, the media will use the vague phrase gun violence to nationalize the issue while calling crime a local issue. Weird. It’s incompatible and it’s malicious. It’s an epidemic they’ll say. Lumping all gun owners and illegal gun owners into this same group.

But when is the last time you saw a gangbanger with a 10-point buck tied to the roof of their Escalade? It’s like saying drinking a glass of water is harmful since other people are drowning in the ocean. The common denominator is water, but that’s idiotic. So rather than focus on the criminal, they shall focus on the law abiding, which is like remaking jaws with swimmers as the bad guys. Why do that? Because it’s easier.

Law abiding people actually will abide by the laws that are made in criminals. They won’t, they’re criminals. So today’s lawmakers just make it easier for themselves by making shoplifting and retail theft, car chases and assault unworthy of arrest. It’s all part of a greater mission to remake society to something new by destroying it first. And what does that do? Bien, Newton also said what goes up must come down.

The more the Dems in the media try to reduce your security. It’s up to the rest of us to enhance it. At this rate by 2022 we’ll all be driving tanks.


BUEN CAMPO: Demos la bienvenida a los invitados de esta noche. She so Southern she brushes her teeth with gravy. Fox Business News Anchor Dagen McDowell. He is more inflammatory than smoking at a gas station, outkick.com founder and Fox News Contributor Clay Travis. She’s like a moth drawn to bright lights and chewing holes and sweaters. Colaboradora de Fox News Kat Timpf. And it’s a federal crime for him to hop on a pogo stick, my massive sidekick and host ofNUFF SAIDon Fox Nation, Tyrus. dias?


BUEN CAMPO: So the story came out this week, we’re running out of ammo and people who aren’t familiar with guns are like, bien, how much ammo, ammo or ammo? Ammo, which sounds like a name of a killer whale.



TYRUS: Ammo works.


TYRUS: sí. Solid.

BUEN CAMPO: Ammo (INAUDIBLE) says that the ammo, people think oh, bien, you don’t need that much. But the fact is, you need a lot of ammo because ammo makes better shooters for training purposes.

MCDOWELL: A huge concern with the more than eight million new gun owners who bought, purchase weapons or multiple weapons potentially last year. You need to be able to go to the range and learn how to shoot. But where I come from if you don’t have a massive stockpile of ammo, that is a plague on your house. That is a box on your family.


MCDOWELL: Ese — it’s like wearing thigh high boots to church. Or saying that barbecuethe barbecue in Brooklyn is awesome. Like you’re atlike they locked the door when you show up if that’s the way you roll. Like if you’ve askedcall up a friend and ask them toask them for some extra ammo, they’ll tell you to go camp out in a tent out in front of the gun store for it. Which is actually happening.

BUEN CAMPO: I thought it would be the equivalent, if I walked over to one of my neighbors in Westchester with a cop and asked for bullets, they might give it to me. Like do you have any spare bullets? Just like sugar.

MCDOWELL: No. They don’t own guns in western. And now they’re going to set their alarm even when, sabes, they see you in your yard. They’re going to set the alarm on youron their house. tengo un — really quickly. I have an ammo update for you.

BUEN CAMPO: Por supuesto. Please tell.

MCDOWELL: Asi que, there’sI actually got a lot of my friends on the phone for this. The shortages are easing for common caliber ammunition, nine millimeter, 380, 45 y 556. Prices are still high, Greg. Where’s the damn green screen? Ammo manufacturers are preordered for 18 a 24 months back ordered. Remington back online in the spring. That’s good news. Six hours expanding an ammo plant in Arkansas.

It might take a year but you’re going to have more supply coming on. And it was all about a primer shortage. So what about lead or raw materials? Ahí tienes. There’s your ammo report.


BUEN CAMPO: I think that means none of us have to recycle our bullets.

TRAVIS: Bien, that’s positive. Mirar, I also was raised in the south and they give you guns at early ages which a lot of people in other parts of the country think is crazy, derecho? You’re eight, nine years old holding a gun and learning how to fire it. But the best possible boon for firearm cells and bullet cells has been the absolutely absurdly ridiculous argument to defund the police. Where everybody out there who has a functional brain knew what was going to happen.

Crime is going to skyrocket. Criminals don’t follow gun laws already. Changing them doesn’t help. And so a lot of people have decided we have to protect ourselves. And even people as you mentioned right million new gun owners, people who would have never considered Westchester buying guns. It’s happening everywhere. And I don’t see any wayany reason why it’s going to suddenly ease I think the demand is only going to continue to grow.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, I think so too. Now the last time we did a segment on guns I asked you how many guns you had. Has that a number of guns increase since that was two weeks ago?

TYRUS: sí. sí. Desafortunadamente, sí. I’m a proud new daddy of a pistol grip shotgun.


TIMPF: sí, it’s pretty sweet. Like it’s phenomenal. You know what else is phenomenal is, sabes, there’s times in life when working for Fox News you sometimes get the chagrin or the, sabes, the dirty look or something like that. Not in a gun store. They’re like Tyrus is here. We have some things in the back. And it was real talk. And here’s a deal. There was a long line for ammunition.


TYRUS: The guys doing the thing and he’s like, Tyrus, sabes, sabes, and he’s like, how many boxes do you need? And then I come back with how much you got?


TYRUS: He’s like taller than you. Asi que, y sabes, and I walk with my truck with my heavy artillery, but it’s inI have to thank the left. I have to thank you defend the police. You finance the NRA and every gun shop owner, especially small time owners were feeling the pinch. They were shutting down in myin Mandeville, Luisiana. There was two gun shops that closed down because they just weren’t doing enough business. They’re back now.



TYRUS: Because you defunded the police, which means we got to start think about raising militias, just to walk through our streets and keep things safe. That’s what you force people to do.

BUEN CAMPO: So I’ve learned that ammo is very precious, Kat. It’s a very precious thing. usted — what do you stand on this? Is this a good development or a bad development? What is the development?

KAT TIMPF, COLABORADOR DEL CANAL DE NOTICIAS DE FOX: quiero decir, it’s a development. I would go so far as to say that. I think that — Mira, I think that more people having, sabes, becoming first time gun buyers is a good thing. I think that they may be understand, Oh, like I actually should be able to protect myself in any situation. But also the bad thing would be that in this situation, you’ve truly been given no choice because the lawmakers in some of these cities removing police protection while also hiring, sabes, private security or using police for themselves in their own homes.

You start to sit back and think, eh, maybe they were feeding me so (EMITIR PITIDOS)

BUEN CAMPO: sí, sí.

TIMPF: And then you buy a gun. So the (EMITIR PITIDOS) it is bad, but I think people opening up their eyes to the, sabes, Second Amendment is a good thing.

BUEN CAMPO: Especially — quiero decir, hearing that more women are purchasing guns is like a veryis a very good sign. Learning to use it in trying to gettrying to get beyond that bird — que — No sé, that barrier they’re just hesitant because it’s a guy thing. Que no es — some of the best

TRAVIS: Shooters.


TIMPF: I can’t fight a dude.


TIMPF: Me gusta, I’d be dead.


TYRUS: Es un — it’s a life thing.

BUEN CAMPO: Está bien. Hasta la próxima. He’s accused of kissing and groping but Andrew Cuomo staying put and he isn’t joking.


BUEN CAMPO: Andrew Cuomo has got to go, go. I can take that. I like that. sí, the chickens come home to roost for the governor who likes to give women a goose. sí. New York Democrats can no longer conceal Andrew Cuomo likes to cop a feel. Let’s give Andrew Cuomo a hand since it looks like his are finally restrained for a while. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is refusing to resign however, despite a totally surprising blow to his impeccable record, no one could have seen coming especially 90s Bill Clinton.

The Democratic state attorney general announced today that the Love Gov sexually harassed 11 women violating state and federal laws as well as the laws of nature, thermodynamics and common decency.


LETITIA JAMES, NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL: Específicamente, the investigation found that Governor Andrew Cuomo sexually harass current and former New York State employees by engaging in unwelcome and nonconsensual touching and making numerous offensive comments of a suggestive and sexual nature that created a hostile work environment for women.


BUEN CAMPO: And all this time Cuomo thought he was putting the central and nonconsensual. The following allegations could make grandma blush so you might want to tie her up in the other room.


ANNA CLARK, INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATOR: The governor hunt executive assistant number one and reached under her blouse to grab her breast. This was the culmination of a pattern of inappropriate sexual conduct, including numerous close and intimate hugs, where the governor held her so closely that her breasts were pressed against his body. There were also several occasions on which the governor grabbed her butt.


BUEN CAMPO: Oh, you are now free to untie grandma. She probably escaped when she heard as mentioned Cuomo anyway. In a pretape statement, Cuomo denied everything saying he kisses and touches everyone, so it doesn’t count.


CUOMO: Por supuesto, there are hundreds if not thousands of photos of me using the exact same gesture. I do it with everyone. Black and White, young and old. Straight and LGBTQ, powerful people, amigos, extraños, people who I meet on the street.


BUEN CAMPO: Oh, somebody must have gotten into that after I put that in. Está bien. En otras palabras, no one is safe from the Alberni octopus. So where the funding media have to swerve now that we all know Cuomo is a perv? Remember how much they loved him?


BRIAN STELTER, ANCHOR, CNN: How would you contrast Cuomo and President Trump’s handling of the crisis?

HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: Truth versus mendacity.

JOE SCARBOROUGH, ANFITRIÓN, MSNBC: Even lifelong republicans tell me they look at Cuomo and they’re like God, there’s a leader.

MUJER NO IDENTIFICADA: You have to wonder what it’s like to be in your shoes with the weight of this responsibility and just the sheer exhaustion you must be feeling right now.

CHRIS CUOMO, ANCHOR, CNN: I hope you are able to appreciate what you did in your state, and what it means for the rest of the country now, and what it will always mean to those who love and care about you the most. I’m wowed by what you did. And more importantly, I’m wowed by how you did it.


BUEN CAMPO: Oh, Jesus H. Lo siento, but I don’t want to kick Cuomo while he’s down mostly because I’m afraid we’ll start humping my leg.


BUEN CAMPO: But hopefully you’ll end up with more humbling gig like hosting a show on CNN after they can his brother. Was that a little harsh?




TIMPF: It was perfectly deserved.

BUEN CAMPO: So what do you — qué es lo que tú — Kat, I, sabes, he should resign yet. Hay 11 — there’s 11 one but I got to tell you, that was a pretty convincing montage.

TIMPF: Oh, the best, like the most egregious, and the best display of narcissism and the fact that it’s not going to easily get him out of there is certainly the beginning when he was saying, Mira, you guys just don’t understand what really happened which was that this woman had told me that she was a victim of sexual harassment from someone else. So I really got to know her because I was trying to help her. So I’m really just, sabes, I’m the victim and my crime is being such a good dude.

BUEN CAMPO: And he used a member of his family.

TIMPF: sí.

BUEN CAMPO: So like those elders, a member of my family about that girl’s age and — No sé, su hija, like you go into your head. And she’s like going, thanks, Dad.

TIMPF: sí.

BUEN CAMPO: Eso es como — I thought that was between us.

TIMPF: Solo — not even to just say, Oh, this isn’t true. Like I, sabes, what are the one of the guys that we say I categorically deny the clip. No, he was like, No, No, No. But you guys are missing it. I’m the victim.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, sí.

TIMPF: Increíble.

BUEN CAMPO: And then heand then he’s — dias, él dice — pero — of course there’s no due process yet. But he says, sabes, these women actually make it hard for women with real accusations. Todos 11 de ellos.

MCDOWELL: sí, he threw his mom and his daddy under the bus or like Ithis is how I learned to express myself touching somebody’s face.


BUEN CAMPO: Italians. La totalidad — all Italians.

TYRUS: Gracias.

MCDOWELL: That ultimatelythat ultimately will bewillis what will force him out of office I think because the great Italian Americans in New York realize now he is a giant festering sore on the ass of this vile state. And he’s like, I never touched anybody inappropriately. yo era como, putting your big fat clammy mitts on somebody’s face male or female is touching somebody inappropriately. Oh, murdering elderly people, the thousands last year wasn’t enough.

Covering it up, sick in your ghouls on the grieving family victims, writing a million-dollar book lying here, there and everywhere, winning an Emmy all of that wasn’t enough. And now Bill Clinton’s looking at it going, whoa, I don’t want to be involved with this guy.

TIMPF: sí.

BUEN CAMPO: Derecha. Sabes, su — ahora, Eliot Spitzer is in like some hotel room between two hookers going, I resigned. Sabes, I use this joke earlier, Tyrus onTHE FIVEand I did not get a laugh. So maybe it’ll work here. But I was wondering if he’s going to resign? It’s hard to say because he’s weathered more storms then the Gordon’s fishermen. Gracias, audience.

MCDOWELL: I (INAUDIBLE) my office when you said that.

TYRUS: Let me break this down real quick. Aquí está la cosa. Every woman needs to be heard whenever they make an accusation. And having said that, every investigation needs to be respected.

BUEN CAMPO: Derecha.

TYRUS: So if you’re a man who’s saying this wasn’t me, en primer lugar, you rely on the investigation, the last thing you need to be doing is every time somebody gets in front of a camera that’s accused of this, it always comes out that they did it or there was, sabes, and here’s the deal. If you have one, that’s one thing, just do (INAUDIBLE) and they were all found in the investigation correct.

Which means there was an investigation, and you were found guilty in that investigation which means you should resign. If that investigation would have came back and said there was no sexual harassment here by the Governor, I would bewe would all beshould be in line to support him and go from there. But that’s not the case. You have to respect the investigation, and he should respect investigation because he really cares about other women and things like that nature. He would resign and then have his day in court civilly.

BUEN CAMPO: sí. quiero decir, that’s a good point. It’s he asked to but

TYRUS: But respect the investigation.

BUEN CAMPO: sí. sí. Arcilla, my issue here is that it’s a small one is that I don’t know what they could replace him with. But it could be something worse. quiero decir, you hear about de Blasio and Letitia James is super hard left.


BUEN CAMPO: So it could just be something even worse than this but

TRAVIS: Which is one reason I think that he doesn’t want to resign. This could be the end guys have Me Too.

BUEN CAMPO: Derecha.

TRAVIS: quiero decir, think about it because Kavanaugh when he was 16, 17 años, trying to make out with a girl which there’s no evidence they ever even met. What’s something that disqualified him from being a Supreme Court justice. Tenemos 11 legitimate confirmed allegations that have now been verified according to this investigation. If Democrats aren’t willing to move on this, then I think the whole Me Too era is over.

Because how many times our politicians going to be caught by 11 different people? Nine of whom are employees behaving inappropriate.

BUEN CAMPO: It’s isn’t Al Franken, people are like, sabes, que — esto es — esto es — quiero decir, 11, that’s a football team.


TYRUS: sí. Good job, Greg.


BUEN CAMPO: Oh, sí. Sports analogy. Could I have said soccer?



TRAVIS: Soccer has 11 también.


BUEN CAMPO: Está bien, está bien.

TIMPF: Don’t look at me.


TYRUS: This is about your feud with Tom Brady. He scored points tonight.


BUEN CAMPO: Excellent. Take that, Tomás. I’m better looking and smarter.

TRAVIS: Taller too.

BUEN CAMPO: Gracias.


BUEN CAMPO: I often forget about that. They don’t know how short he is. De todas formas, his pictures are always with shorter people. Hasta la próxima. They said the end of COVID was near but they still want us to live in fear.


BUEN CAMPO: Americans feel misled and see dark times ahead. sí, American optimism on COVID is dropping faster than Hunter Biden’s pants at a hooker factory. Does it even matter that there’s no such thing as a hooker factory?

TRAVIS: Still works.

BUEN CAMPO: Still works. En junio, 89 percent of people said the pandemic was getting better, now it’s just 40 por ciento. That’s a drop of a lot percent, Kat. A lot percent.

Ahora, is this the government’s fault for all the misinformation, has the COVID fear porn left us increasingly forlorn? mientras tanto, at the greatest restaurant in the world, McDonald’s, masks are now mandatory for all customers and staff in areas with high COVID transmission.

A pesar de todo, if they’re vaccinated or not. Shocking since McDonald’s diners are the most health conscious on Earth. Not surprising, their spokesman is a clown just like Dr. Fauci, read meat. Pronto, we’ll be walking around with masks on our McNuggets. mientras tanto, it looks like we might now have a new vaccine spokesman.


HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: Sobre 90 percent of hospitalizations, especially in Florida, are among the unvaccinated. A female doctor was on this morning, she made the best analogy I’ve heard, ella dijo: that being vaccinated is like wearing your seatbelt. That it doesn’t guarantee you won’t get in an accident. But if you do, you have a much better chance of surviving. Oye, get your shots.


BUEN CAMPO: If the mask doesn’t fit, you must acquit, derecho? But let’s be honest, O.J. was way ahead of the curve on COVID protection. He was wearing gloves back in 93. Tyrus, you are a very positive guy. How do we get the country back on to the optimistic track?

TYRUS, COLABORADOR DE FOX NEWS: Always messing with O.J. hombre, damn. Respect the investigation. But having said that

BUEN CAMPO: Sabes, he’s not scared of needles.

HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: He also knows a little bit about

TYRUS: OK, Sabes que, it’s not about O.J.?

BUEN CAMPO: Too soon? Too soon?

TYRUS: We’re not talking about juice right now. Let’s leavelet’s move on my blackness will allow me to continue this conversation. OK, let’s just leave it alone. Pero, whom better, whom better, whom better to send door to door to ask if you’re getting vaccinated or not? You are going to get vaccinated.

BUEN CAMPO: That’s it’s fair.

TYRUS: Because the juice has to come back. He’ll get off.

KAT TIMPF, COLABORADOR DE FOX NEWS: But what people answer the door and then they just die?

TYRUS: And how long it takes him to get to the point? Literalmente, while he’s asking him. They’ll be like, bro, Estoy bien.

BUEN CAMPO: O.J. is in the front yard. Double vaxx.

TYRUS: sí.

BUEN CAMPO: I’ll take the first and second shot at once, por favor.

TYRUS: There’s our new spokesman.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, sabes, Arcilla, do you seepeople have a reason to be pessimistic because every message is so screwed up. It changes almost every hour.

CLAY TRAVIS, FUNDADOR, OUTKICK.: sí. Asi que, 100 por ciento. Mirar, Joe Biden’s President the United States because of COVID fear porn. quiero decir, that was his entire campaign. They hit him in the basement. He didn’t go on the road, he blamed Donald Trump for everything that was going wrong with COVID. And they still barely dragged him across the finish line.


TRAVIS: And his promise to everyone was, Oye, if you get vaccinated, this thing’s over. And now they’ve come back and totally changed everything without looking at the data. And I think this has been one of the great flaws for experts of all time. Guess, I don’t know if we’re ever going to trust the experts again, because the data tells a story that the CDC hasn’t been able to tell.

And look at this point, 70 percent of the people 18 and up have gotten at least one shot. If you get sick from COVID, it’s on you. It’s time for the world to return to normal and let everybody get back to a regular life and they won’t let it happen. And it’s incredibly frustrating.

BUEN CAMPO: Kat, what if like, what if COVID becomes like something that is as mundane as weather and traffic? Me gusta, there’s up weekly updates. It’s just something that it’s just good to be around. It’s just a new thing. quiero decir, there was a time when aids did not exist. And then it became just something that was deadly. And then it moved into, the into the world as something that was treatable, and now it’s like

TRAVIS: It’s endemic. It’s here, it’s never going away.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, creo, quiero decir, que — if we are just are framing to that. We canif we just think about this as temporary, we’re never going to get over it.

TIMPF: Derecha. sí, it’s obviously not going anywhere. It likes it here. It’s quite obvious. Y otra vez, that is why people are so pessimistic because I think people are starting to realize that. And are saying, OK, bien, I don’t want to live like this forever.

Yo no, I don’t want to all these things I’ve postponed and I don’t want to just postpone them forever. Because then you’re going to die of something else whether it’s COVID or not anyway. The masks are alsothey’re dehumanizing, they’re depressing. And the McDonald’s though, nobody eats in the McDonald’s, me gusta —

TRAVIS: My kids love eating at McDonald’s.

TIMPF: You eat really? I like to eat it home alone in the dark.

BUEN CAMPO: You can’t eat at McDonald’s in Manhattan because there are too many junkies. They’re always, they’re just totally nodding off and they don’t share.

TIMPF: But if there’s so many things, I hate to be really overly optimistic. But guys, like there’s so many things out there that can kill you.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, it’s true.

TIMPF: You don’t focus about this one, sí.

BUEN CAMPO: You get hit by a truck walking, walking to get your jab.

TIMPF: You can get hit by a truck any time of the day.

BUEN CAMPO: Eso es cierto.

TYRUS: Let’s just agree you can get hit by a truck.

TIMPF: Or even if you’re asleep. Even if you’re asleep.

BUEN CAMPO: Final destination Fox News style. But if you get hit by a truck, you’re much less likely to get COVID.

TYRUS: I don’t think that’s going to be going through your thoughts.

TRAVIS: You’ll still be a COVID process.

TYRUS: I just got ran over by a truck. I can’t feel my legs and arms but, damn it, I don’t have COVID.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, Soy 100 percent cured, Estoy muerto. Did go, dias.

DÍA MCDOWELL, ANFITRIÓN DE LA RED DE NEGOCIOS DE FOX: sí, what were you going to say? I was just thinking about how I might die going home.

TRAVIS: But you got a gun at least, so you

MCDOWELL: No, not in New York, Arcilla.

TRAVIS: Lo siento, my bad.

TYRUS: Not here.

MCDOWELL: Not here.

TIMPF: En Nueva York, you just have to get shot.

TRAVIS: sí, you just have to deal with it.

MCDOWELL: As far as government is concerned, the government doesn’t know I have any weapons because well, they just don’t know. Don’t tell the government that you have guns ever. You might getI think I’ll probably get hit by one of those stupid electric scooters.

BUEN CAMPO: There’s a lot of that.

MCDOWELL: Ridden by a man with a high ponytail, probablemente.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, exactamente. But you got to make sure that you have like something sharp on you, so when he hits you

MCDOWELL: But see, I have lived my whole life like this. Like every zit is a cancerous mole, every road trip I’m preparing to get in an accident. I have always expected that the Earth would just swallow up Manhattan in some time, some morning.

BUEN CAMPO: That’s an interesting point. I think whenever it werethe time that you’re alive, you always assume is the time that it will either end or something majestic will happen. God-forbid, you just happen to live in the normal time.

MCDOWELL: But now I’m excited though. I’m really, I’m optimistic because I have call all the people who I found really irritating during lockdown. I’ve just called them from my, my life.

BUEN CAMPO: Oh, cold them, I thought you said called them.

MCDOWELL: No, llamada, llamada. Like you called cattle. Derecha, No, you call cattle, you get rid of the like scrawny ones who are irritating.

TYRUS: Así es.

BUEN CAMPO: Hasta la próxima, which of thewhich of Earth’s nations can survive the end of civilization?


BUEN CAMPO: What countries will carry on during Armageddon? I tried. And if society goes out with a bang, where’s a good place to join a warlord’s gang? That’s my question. Asi que, let’s say a government’s draconian reaction to a virus created in a lab or some other hypothetical disaster causes society’s collapse?

A new study finds that your best bet is to be in a small westernized Island nation. Researchers say, New Zealand Iceland the U.K. and Ireland would be at best able to withstand the collapse of global supply chains, financial systems and no more ice cream. For more, let’s check in with our Apocalypse Correspondent Joe Machi.


JOE MACHI, EDIAN: Greg, the first thing I’m going to do is try to find an apocalypse buddy. It’s going to be quite lonely after most people are dead. Speaking of which, I just see Joe DeVito. José, Oye, want to be my apocalypse friend?

I guess he didn’t hear me, but as for your second question, where’s my doomsday shelter? I’m not falling for that one. I tell you where it is, day one you show up, say come on out, José, I’ve got an idea for a Fox Nation show then you hit me over the head with a rocky son of a (EMITIR PITIDOS).


BUEN CAMPO: Asi que, Arcilla, I have a theory that this study is a phony study, and it’s a scam by those countries real estate associations to get rich clients to purchase land for their impenetrable fortresses in New Zealand because this is all, this is all like fear porn for people who work in Silicon Valley?

TRAVIS: I like that theory but what about the fact that the apocalypse is actually racist? Iceland, Nueva Zelanda, the U.K., Ireland all white people are surviving even the apocalypse is racist. You can’tI mean this is, maybe the Democrats are right? Systemic racism is a thing? quiero decir, they’re even going to be surprised we’re going to survive the apocalypse.

BUEN CAMPO: I wish I thought of that, because that’s true. That is itI just looked at the places that you know are small and island-like, sabes, like Rhode Island. No one said Rhode Island, Tyrus.

TYRUS: It’s because you can carpet Rhode Island. It’s that small. Sabes, a great point. This is super racist. But let me give you a little hint. Ver, tiempo — and since we’re going with stereotypes since he set the table, white people investigate. Asi que, everyone will walk to see what the bright light is. We’re going to go hop on a plane and go over to Iceland. Oh no, that’s cold. We don’t really do the cold.

Asi que, then we’re going to go over to Ireland. It rains all the time. That really our thing. Same in the United Kingdomso New Zealand. We’ll be headed to New Zealand. It’s going to be beautiful over there. Asi que, we’ll get there and then when we get there. We realized you tricked us in the first place just to get us to leave, you racist sons and bitches. Asi que, we’ll all just stay here with guns on everybody.

BUEN CAMPO: That’s a great story where we fake an apocalypse to get a group of people to leave.

TYRUS: sí, that is sinister, dias. Sounds like something you would do.

TIMPF: Cartman did that.

TYRUS: I stole it from Cartman, I apologize.


BUEN CAMPO: I was going to say, cuando, when everybody talks about the world is ending. Their inclination is to go to places where there are sparser populations, when in fact, it’s probably a better idea to be around people.

MCDOWELL: Asi que, there’s something to eat?

BUEN CAMPO: sí. Cuando era niño, you know that I’m a, I’m a pre-disaster cannibal. I anticipate something bad happening. I started eating people now, so I’m accustomed to the taste.


TYRUS: You get through the shakes.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, exactamente, porque sabes que, you’rewhen you’re starving and desperate, you don’t want to be like repulsed by it.

MCDOWELL: If I ever had a band, it was going to be called the Donner Party.

TRAVIS: Jeffrey Dahmer was ahead of the curve.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, él era.


TRAVIS: Jeffrey Dahmer, también.

MCDOWELL: I got you. De todas formas, but we’ve got the guns, we’ll just if they have the goodies, we’re coming to get them. Y por cierto, you do need to know if you’re now that you’re into firearms, you need to be able to kill and clean, whatever you’re eating. Asi que, just get on them.

BUEN CAMPO: I just go to the supermarket.

TYRUS: It’s going to be tough for Greg.

BUEN CAMPO: I’ll just go to the supermarket.

TYRUS: I’ve been calling room service all day.

MCDOWELL: But because theone of the supermarket because the cashiers are very

GUTFLELD: Here’s the deal, whatever you shoot, OK, the thing is, lo que – – what I’ve learned is whatever you shoot, not a lot of hair, derecho? Because you don’t want to pluck hair and feathers, Kat. Asi que, you got to shoot things that are hairless.


BUEN CAMPO: En el, in an apocalypse.

TIMPF: I feel like we’re already so close, just based on the way like I saw this story covered, like these four countries are the best for surviving a societal collapse, like click to see slideshow. Like and subscribe. Like we are so close. Has it not already collapsed?

BUEN CAMPO: sí, we’re now — quiero decir, we’re now, it’s generally they would set up that article with a premise. Imagine that we’re on the brink.

TIMPF: sí, there was no premise.

BUEN CAMPO: There’s no premise.

TIMPF: Click to see the slideshow. también, Oye, nobody ever wants to click through a slideshow. Never.

BUEN CAMPO: Especially during an apocalypse. You don’t have time.

TIMPF: sí. Bring on one page.

BUEN CAMPO: I hate click bait. Like the whole slideshow thing just drives me crazy and they know it. And then they insert stupid little ads about: do you know what, so and so is making? O (EMITIR PITIDOS) like that. It pisses me off.

TIMPF: sí.

BUEN CAMPO: Calm down, Greg.

TYRUS: See this guy in the apocalypse for there’s no car service?

TIMPF: sí, you’ll be like my driver is late.

MCDOWELL: I was reading a story on one of the news sites, and I was looking at it and it was a video of a little and a small child with a cute haircut.


MCDOWELL: It’s the same thing.

TRAVIS: How about NBC ran ads during the Cuomo apology alongside split screen of the Olympics?

BUEN CAMPO: That is the apocalypse. Está bien, up next, some restrooms that are no dump but tops in the nation to rest your hump, grump.


BUEN CAMPO: Who will win the glory of being named best laboratory, no lavatory. Lavatory, laboratory, tomato, tomato, (EMITIR PITIDOS), poop — lo que. The competition for the best bathroom in the country is down to 10 finalists. I wonder which one’s number two. Contenders include facilities at a Thai restaurant in Georgia, a pizza place in Ohio, y un 900 square foot restroom at JFK Airport Terminal 4 en Nueva York.

The contest judges bathrooms and a variety factors including design, cleanliness, and innovation, which is better than how New Yorkers judge them. Is there a homeless person living there? That’s how we judge. Everyone can vote as many times as they want for the winner until August 23rd. They can admit they’re clinically depressed. I personally will be boycotting the contest due to their obvious snub of the brilliant business adventure I launched in 2018.


HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: Are you tired of having to pay for your coffee at Starbucks? Por supuesto, the bathrooms free but shouldn’t it be the other way around? Introducing Crappuccinos, the only store where you pay to use the bathroom, but everything else is free. At Crappuccinos, we know the value of a conveniently placed toilet. Asi que, just pay us a few bucks to use our bathroom and grab a free coffee when you leave.

HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: Excuse me, where your bathroom? I need it really badly.

TIMPF: Venti or grande?


TIMPF: $ 1.00 for venti, $ 2.00 for a grande.


TIMPF: Would you like a fresh roll?


TIMPF: $ 3.00 por favor.

HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: Aquí lo tienes. Take it.

HOMBRE NO IDENTIFICADO: What’s so special about Crappuccinos? You can stay as long as you want, but you won’t because our coffee is terrible.

And the best part, you can’t leave the bathroom until you pay an exit fee of $ 28.00 Ahora, that’s just good business. Crappuccinos, we’re like a better Starbucks.


BUEN CAMPO: dias, it seems to me it should be only about cleanliness. I don’t care about anything else. That’s a lock on the door.

MCDOWELL: Hay, there’s only one doesn’t really have to be a lot, Greg.

BUEN CAMPO: You got the certain practices I have.

MCDOWELL: No door at all is my preference. The only thing that women care about is, is there a toilet paper? That is the only think that women care about in a public restroom. Y por cierto, I was going through all these photos and I realized I’ve been in so many public restrooms in my life.


TIMPF: sí, pero no, like the women’s bathroom is grosser than you think it would be. Like why is there so much pee in so many places? Like are you hula hooping during? Yo no — I do not understand and cleanliness is not the only thing that matters. One more thing does: paper towels. I do not care who you are. I don’t care if you like or an environmentalist who wear a burlap sack and ride your bike to work, you are not excited to see a hand dryer in the bathroom, like whoo, my hands are going to be wet when I leave. No paper towels.

MCDOWELL: Just really quickly, just so you know, every bathroom I’ve ever been in, I leave by opening door with my foot.

TIMPF: Because there’s pee everywhere. It makes no sense why.

BUEN CAMPO: Here’s the — Tyrus, what they’re talking about is that we can’t rely on people to hold up their end of the bargain.

TYRUS: Oh, 100 por ciento.

BUEN CAMPO: We know that the public bathroom is a joint effort of humanity. We all have a responsibility to keep it clean even if we’re only going to go there once and never again, like we’ll just gowhat you know but some people go inbike messengers, they’ll go in there like oh I’m only in this place for like but and they’ll just destroy the place.

TYRUS: Sabes, I honestly can say guys we have a pretty good bro code. Certain things you don’t go down, there’s no eye contact with the urinals.

BUEN CAMPO: sí. Space.

TYRUS: And space. Y nosotros, sabes, we usually knock if we’re not sure yes on the door, but as far as what’s the best bathroom? I think if it has a phone charger in itbecause they spent all their time on their, their phone, supposedly. Pero, guys apparently, we got a lot easier in the bathrooms because we usually can say we walk in because wethis one’s bad, and then some guy that actually this one’s good bro yes some jerk was over there girls over there. We stick together.


TYRUS: It’s like a team sports.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, sí, so don’t go over there.

TYRUS: sí.

BUEN CAMPO: And there’s also the second flush which is the courtesy.

TRAVIS: No doubt also the places you don’t want to be gas stations didn’t see a lot of those on the list, one of the worst places you could actually be. And I know there’s a couple at the airport, but let’s be honest there’s nothing worse than having to use a stall at the airport.

BUEN CAMPO: sí, bien.

TIMPF: Dying.

TRAVIS: Maybe a crowded bar? A crowded bar

TIMPF: New Year’s Eve.

TYRUS: And the lock door is crucial.

TRAVIS: New Year’s Eve is a break.

MCDOWELL: There’s a public restroom in Central Park that’s kind of gross.

TIMPF: Whoever has to clean the bathrooms at Coney Island, are you OK?

BUEN CAMPO: This is going towe could talk about this for hours.

TRAVIS: Shout out to the Essex House, one of the best bathrooms in Manhattan. Hotel. quiero decir, I’ve neverI’ve been blown away.

TIMPF: Why is there so much pee everywhere?

BUEN CAMPO: I can believe this conversation.


TIMPF: Exactamente. Por qué? There’s so much pee? It’s not that hard.


BUEN CAMPO: We’re out of time. Thanks to Dagen McDowell, Clay Travis, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @NIGHTwith Evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you America.

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