GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): Happy glorious Wednesday, everyone. What a Wednesday it is, or was because it’s late.
So, earlier this week, people really freaked out about China launching that nuclear capable hypersonic missile. It’s an advanced and weaponry that surprised U.S. officials. I know.
Who knew that China would launch something harmful that ends up going around the world? Probably should have been prepared for that.
Apparently, the Long March rocket ended up missing its target by only 24 miles. But it’s just like getting up in the middle of the night to pee. It’s close enough to matter.
But look, I think we’re focusing on the wrong stuff. China may have just launched a hypersonic weapon, but we’re killing them in so many other areas.
Like for example, they only have two pronouns. We have 237. And despite launching a rocket, yes, they have no diversity programs. Have you ever seen a picture of all of their astronauts? They’re all — they’re all Chinese.
How dare you clap for that racism? Meanwhile, we’re really good at building non binary bathrooms complete with private changing rooms, in case you feel like hitting the battlefield looking fun and flirty. We may lose the war, but we’ll all be buried in Versace’s fall collection.
True, Chinese schools are so good. They turn out many of our top stem college grads, but our schools are better because we’ve learned teaching math is racist. They’re colonizing their neighboring countries, but we are decolonizing science, right? I don’t know what that means.
But don’t get depressed. While China is busy trying to destroy us, we are too. Do you think China’s got an edge on America? You haven’t seen how America is doing against America. We are killing it literally.
Yes, we are kicking our own ass. And we don’t need your help, China we already beat you to it. We have a black belt and self-destruction.
Take this barely reported story. It’s a big story. According to the New York Post, a fire that was started by a sailor slash arsonist that destroyed the massive navy ship, the USS Bonhomme Richard. Don’t correct me.
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.
GUTFELD: Ship last year was allowed to burn for days due to both individual and systemic failures. It was due to a crew that was “inadequately” prepared to battle the blaze.
Yes, inadequately prepared. You know, if only there were some water nearby to put out the fire. A report finds that there were widespread lapses in training, coordination, communication, fire preparedness, equipment, maintenance, and overall command and control. But other than that, everything ran great.
Of course, how important really are those variables as long as you denounce white rage when communicating with the firefighters? After all, those long hoses represent the patriarchy that’s been oppressing women for centuries.
So, the Navy had to scrap the ship because it would have taken seven years and $ 3 billion to fix it. Of course, Trump weighed in and said he could do it in 10 months for under 10 grand if they agreed to rename the ship. So, almost believable.
Somehow, fixing this ship doesn’t qualify as infrastructure. But free education for illegals does. So we can’t put out a fire. But we did read up on anti-racism and white supremacy.
We can’t fight fires, but we can fire military academy members simply because they were appointed by Trump. Today, it seems that wokeism is the only thing that’s flame retardant. Well, that in Biden’s Spider Man pajamas.
But it shows how we are beating China at beating ourselves. I wonder what the angry white male has to say.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: You know, the way China has been acting lately, embarrassing us on the world stage, acting aggressively in the South China Sea. And then, there’s the virus. I call it the China virus, but I guess you’re not supposed to do that.
I keep thinking the United States is going to do something about it. But we keep trading with them and acting as if now thing is wrong. I guess it’s because we’re nice. Yes, that’s it. We’re nice.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Fact is that hypersonic weapon only expose the folly of our priorities. We are no longer competing with China as a superpower. We are dismantling the superpower that we once were. For every new standard, their weapons set, we lower a standard in our schools. We are our very own enemy now and we don’t even have to lift a weapon. We are the weapon.
Because when our military and intelligence sees the typical American as a threat, China already won. Of course, we never made it hard for them. That country has the advantage of not having an academic media and entertainment establishment that works overtime to subvert their security.
But that I guess that’s part of America being a free country. But why be so maliciously stupid about it? Just because we can destroy ourselves? Why should we destroy ourselves? That’s something my primary care physician asked me every time he sees me shirtless.
China also does not produce social justice warriors, whereas we become the world’s assembly line of these fascist cretins. A nuclear weapon can destroy a city but just one woke warrior could destroy everything without blowback radiation.
No wonder China embraces woke American companies. China gets paid by America while propping up a pernicious ideology that permanently craps all over America. It’s like paying a hitman to shoot yourself.
Our companies embrace Black Lives Matter here while embracing slave labor there.
And like the women’s soccer team in Tokyo, America loses — like the rub it in. Because we ignore — we ignore the bigger, uglier problem while obsessing over problems that don’t exist.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, Bob, what’s up?
JOE DEVITO, WRITER AND EDIAN: Yes, I think there’s something wrong with this foot.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don’t know. What about that foot?
DEVITO: This one? Maybe a pedicure?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes. So, as China reaches for the stars, and I don’t mean LeBron James or John Cena. We reached for the anti-racist policy manual. It said, China gave us both COVID and Stockholm syndrome. Perhaps, we should be quaking in our boots, but they’re probably made in China anyway.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guest.
She is been in more hotspots than aloe vera. Journalist and host of the “LARA LOGAN HAS NO AGENDA” on Fox Nation, Lara Logan.
He is exposed more Democrats than Jeffrey Epstein’s flight log. Fox’s contributor and Washington Times opinion editor, Charlie Hurt, so (INAUDIBLE).
When he is headlining the venue, maximum occupancy is not an issue. Comedian Joe Machi.
And the only time to remain silent is after hearing her Miranda rights. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.
Lara, welcome to the show.
LARA LOGAN, FOX NATION HOST: Thank you.
GUTFELD: So happy to finally — we just met.
LOGAN: Yes, what took you so long?
GUTFELD: I don’t know. I was scared, if you intimidated might be the best word. Are you, you think that China is thrilled that America has gone so woke?
LOGAN: Yes, I mean, without a doubt. If you go back to 1999, two Chinese colonels wrote a book on asymmetric warfare. And that’s what you’re seeing being implemented their strategy. They’ve updated it, since.
It covers everything from taking, you know, all of our manufacturing capability from us, which was exposed, you know, when the pandemic hit.
We realized, oh, well, without China, we got no antibiotics.
LOGAN: No medical equipment. So, what did they do to change that? Nothing. Right?
And when China got all that capability, that’s how they found the analogues for fentanyl, which they then introduced as a street drug made a deal with the Mexican cartels. And now, they’ve got what? How many Americans are dying?
LOGAN: Every year, and we hear nothing about it.
GUTFELD: Yes. And what happens when, you know, with — when you’re doing drugs, and not paying taxes, you’re not joining the military, you’re not holding down a job. I mean, this is what asymmetric warfare is about, is dismantling your society from within.
And for some reason, politicians today. I mean, go to San Francisco, and nobody cares that you got people standing on the street pissing on themselves and, you know, and defecating everywhere, you know, and unable to function.
And what do they say? Well, let’s reduce the mandatory minimum sentencing for fentanyl. That’s what the Biden administration just — department is working on right now.
So, we don’t talk about any of those things. And, and so, and how the defense department can say it didn’t see this coming. The NSA is the crown jewel of intelligence collection for the world.
I mean, they’ve been missing a lot of stuff lately.
GUTFELD: They have. They have. But they’ve been focusing on the pronouns, and I think that’s important, Lara. How dare you just overlook the pronouns? By the way, I have to put point — poke a hole in your theory. Kat does drugs and she still has a job. She has a job, right?
Charlie, I’m so glad you wear your Christmas sock.
CHARLES HURT, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (on camera): Well, I did it for you.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
HURT: I was out of my argyle socks.
HURT: But, these are great.
GUTFELD: So, it seems to me that our social justice warriors are replacing our real warriors. Do you find that statement to be the case? Or do you have something smarter to say?
HURT: Yes, no, I don’t. As you know, I don’t. Yes, no, it’s amazing. And obviously, the worst is the political set in Washington, who are supposed to be in charge of not letting this sort of thing happen, and looking out for America’s interests.
And it is kind of amazing when a guy like Donald Trump comes along, and of course, everybody gets so upset about all the stuff that he says and the way he says, and all — yes. But at the end of the day, the thing that really upset people in Washington was that his political mantra was America First.
HURT: And everything that he did, you know — every platform of his that got him elected was designed to wrench power away from Washington, like dealing with a border — deal. And of course, and let’s also not forget that the America is not lost, and just look at the border.
When you look at these tens of 1000s of people who are — who still believe America is the place that they want to be and they’re dying, literally, risking their lives to come here.
TIMPF: Hundreds of 1000s.
HURT: Yes, and they’re coming here because they still believe America is what it is. But it’s like — but you’re right. We have discovered the enemy and it is us.
HURT: And although I don’t think it’s the regular — I mean, people are still signing up to fight.
HURT: The true warriors are still signing up to fight. And that’s the reminder of why we don’t have a choice. None of us here has the choice to sort of give up and walk away, because we still have people signing up to literally fight for our country. And we have to do it too.
GUTFELD: Thank God for that. All right, Joe, were you terrified when you saw that hypersonic missile?
JOE MACHI, STAND-UP EDIAN: I was terrified Greg, but I’ve been terrified for a long time about a great many things. Our relationship with China reminds me of when I’m walking up the stairs to our office, and there’ll be a co-worker, and I’ll sometimes start running, and say last one up as a loser. And they’ll be like, I didn’t know we were competing.
It’s the only way it can beat Kat.
MACHI: But it’s like, we’ve got all these symbols that were in the competition. And we’re just ignoring it, like we gave China most favored nation trade status. And what do they do? They start dumping their products. We invite them into the WTO. What do they do? They start manipulating their currency. They take over Hong Kong, and we’re like, freedom sucks.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is true.
Kat, is China just simply waiting us out, like didn’t really have to do anything. We can just finish the job.
TIMPF (on camera): You look at some of this stuff. Like with that naval ship, I was reading that article about it, and it said, well, no, you know, there was a button that activated foam, but nobody knew the location of the button, and you know, and it’s function.
GUTFELD: Oh, man.
TIMPF: And I’m like, there was a button? There think about that. How many problems in the world could be solved with just a button like not that many?
GUTFELD: It’s true.
TIMPF: Wait, like that training? Right? I don’t have a military background. So like —
GUTFELD: But you’re America veteran?
TIMPF: I am. So, half veteran et cetera.
GUTFELD: Thank you for your service.
TIMPF: Yes, of course. Freedom is not free. But I could have conducted that training.
TIMPF: Here is the button. If the ship is on fire, push it. Boom!
GUTFELD: But, but did that? What if that button, I mean, does that button – -?
TIMPF: Put a little posted note. If ship on fire, push this arrow. How do you mess that up? It seems harder to mess that up than to not mess that up.
GUTFELD: But what if pushing the button seems somewhat oppressive? I mean, push it — just the act of pushing. It’s an act of violence.
TIMPF: It’s racist.
GUTFELD: And it might be even racist.
LOGAN: You’re right —
GUTFELD: A lot of people were pushed around.
TIMPF: You’re right. It is much better to allow the ship to go up in flames.
GUTFELD: Exactly. Exactly.
GUTFELD: I’m glad you agree with me. All right, that was a great a block. You’re welcome America.
Up next, Jen Psaki jokes around while Biden runs things into the ground.
GUTFELD: Americans are filled with dread, as store shelves are empty as the president’s head. And their solution for this mess is you expecting less. Yes, the economy is heading for ruin, but be happy we’re becoming the Soviet Union.
So, here’s the major concerns that any average American might have this week. You got a supply chain crisis, crushing businesses and consumers, secret late night flights to New York carrying underage migrants.
By the way, the last time Democrats book flights like that it was with Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, how dare you.
And a trillion dollar spending bill that will drag down the entire country. It seems like a good time for the White House to provide some clarity. Right, Jen?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It was crystal clear that things were not improving on supply chain. People couldn’t get dishwashers and furniture and treadmills delivered on time, not to mention all sorts of other things. So, why is —
JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: The tragedy of the short — the treadmill that’s delayed.
PETER DOOCY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Right, why is the administration flying 1,000s of migrants from the border to Florida and New York in the middle of the night?
PSAKI: Well, I’m not sure that’s in the middle of the night.
DOOCY: 2:13 a.m., 4:29 a.m., very early in the morning.
PSAKI: Well, here we are talking about early flights. Earlier than you might like to take a flight. Details — go ahead.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Does the president still believe that Build Back Better will not add a dime to the national debt?
PSAKI: Correct. It won’t.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why would he — why should Americans believe that?
PSAKI: Because it won’t.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I got to hand it to her. She really looks on the bright side of things. Her glass is half full which is better than our grocery shelves. I wonder if she’s like that all the time.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MACHI: Back he just stole my bag!
TIMPF: Well, that’s great. Now, you won’t have to carry it, and your posture will probably improve.
MACHI: But, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki, that bag have my wallet in it.
TIMPF: Well, that’s now it’s been redistributed to that underprivileged, criminal, kind of selfish of you to keep those snacks.
MACHI: You’re like could afford on this.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: You know, I wish I had that positive outlook. But it’s no wonder team Biden is OK with this. When you’re in cognitive decline, you don’t remember the better times. Of course, the media is totally behind Biden’s strategy.
A WAPO — that’s short for Washington Post, which kind of makes the whole WAPO redundant when I say it’s the Washington Post twice. An op-ed argues that you shouldn’t complain about lack of services or labor shortages. Instead, just lower your expectations, you dolt.
Look, you don’t have to wait in line for bread if you don’t want to, you can just starve or embrace the weight. And besides, raising expectations means the government actually has to do work.
Instead, let’s lower them. We been made you a handy video to help more Americans get on board.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Hey there kiddos, have you heard about the so-called national supply chain crisis? Well, there’s a lot of misinformation going around. But the truth is, with the shortage of goods, there is never been a better time to lower your life’s expectations.
Sure, there might be bread lines, but hey, what a great way to meet your neighbors. No toilet paper on the shelves? No problem. Remember, you’re also eating much less.
Rising gas prices? That means less money for your crippling pill addiction. Isn’t it time you got clean anyway. And less driving is a great way to get your steps in for the day, comrade.
You see kids, the sooner you learn to love sovietization, the sooner you’ll come to the realization that the American Dream was a nightmare. And remember, you’ve had it too easy for too long.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: too easy, too long, Charlie. It’s kind of interesting. It doesn’t seem that Psaki — is that her name, Psaki?
GUTFELD: Hasn’t — isn’t even trying anymore. It’s as though she — that the — that the media has lowered their expectations for her. And she’s meeting them?
HURT: Yes. Well, yes. And in a lot of ways. She is like — she is like the perfect press secretary for this administration. Completely out of her depth, completely has no idea what she’s talking about on a regular basis.
And then, but the worst, of course, is when she comes up with the — with the funny quips, and she tries to do — comedy.
HURT: It’s insulting. It’s ridiculous. And obviously, it’s not funny. And one of those clips, I can’t remember if you showed it right there, where she said — she’s talking about supply chain, and she says, you know, we’re not the post office.
HURT: And it’s like, well, actually —
GUTFELD: You are.
HURT: You are. But, and it — and it’s terrible.
HURT: But, but it’s also, you know, and it’s also a reminder of talking about silver linings. You know, there was a great silver lining, you know, in being in a 40 years nuclear standoff with the Soviet Union. We were reminded of what socialism really was like.
GUTFELD: Yes, we had it — we had a read up on it.
HURT: Yes, and people talked about it.
HURT: And then — and people that would escape would tell you stories about bread lines. And I guess we’re just going to have to, like, you know, whatever, 40, 30 years later, we’re just going to have to discover it on our own.
GUTFELD: It will be a fun time.
GUTFELD: And think of that is an adventure, Charlie.
GUTFELD: That’s what I do with everything bad. Joe, if you marry Jen Psaki, her name would be Joe Psaki Machi. That’s terrible. We’re getting applause from Lara Logan over that terrible joke.
MACHI: Don’t you have a question, Greg?
GUTFELD: That, my question is why haven’t you married Jen Psaki?
MACHI: I believe she’s taken and I’m an honorable man.
GUTFELD: You use to live a life of lowered expectations, Joe. So, what is your — what’s your feeling?
MACHI: I like lowered expectations, Greg. That’s why that treadmill equip landed for me. Because if there’s no treadmills, then I’ve got a perfect excuse for why you don’t have to use a treadmill.
I just think, you know, people aren’t stupid when you’re trying to put lipstick on a pig. Except right now there is not much lipstick or pig. And the other thing that I found really insulting was people saying that a — Jen Psaki is saying that, oh, this is a sign of the economy’s picking up that the goods are in short supply. It’s like, no, I wasn’t waiting to buy food. I’m always looking to buy food. I’m always —
GUTFELD: That’s true. It’s a very good point. Dammit. I wish I came up with that. Kat, your entire dating life was — had the — had was focused on low expectations.
GUTFELD: But then it changed.
TIMPF: I have been married now for almost six months. Thanks.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s a half a year.
TIMPF: I know. Sorry, anybody who might have lost money. But yes, it’s just reading the article is absurd. You can’t say that ever.
TIMPF: Like, imagine if a therapist said that?
TIMPF: Is it ever occurred to you that you should just accept swinging between debilitating anxiety and crushing depression? Like — I mean, you have to only go to one session. But other than that —
TIMPF: That’s not effective.
GUTFELD: No, it’s not.
TIMPF: And nobody — and you’re trying to push — you know, Jen Psaki, you push on these things, and she goes, cause —
TIMPF: Like, I couldn’t do that.
TIMPF: I couldn’t — you know, you couldn’t do that say something, (INAUDIBLE) push (INAUDIBLE) Why? Well, cause.
TIMPF: We wouldn’t still have jobs, but yet she does.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. You know, Lara, you, like — low expectations are what you expect when you leave America. You’ve been all over the world, like, so you’ve seen some pretty bad stuff? Are we overstating this?
LOGAN: No, not at all. In fact, what’s happening here is that I think Jen Psaki is just — she’s just run out of energy. There’s so many crises all over the place. It’s all coming apart the tactics of failing.
LOGAN: You know, they’ve done the whole tactic of, we’re going to — I mean, they running out of labels, right?
LOGAN: It’s either the QAnon or it’s the white supremacists.
LOGAN: Or it’s the anti-vax terrorists.
LOGAN: I mean, it’s something like that. And it’s just not working anymore. Americans — people are smart, and they see through it. And they know when they go to Walmart — sorry, I live in a town of 11,000 people, we — we’re lucky to have one Walmart, and they know when they can’t get the things that they need. And they know the fact that it’s all made in China is a problem.
And they are — they are not stupid, and they’re not falling for the whole treadmill thing.
LOGAN: You know, and also, you know what it is? It’s consistent with a much more significant strategy. If you never acknowledge that it’s a crisis, you never actually have to do anything about it.
LOGAN: Look at them. The border is not a crisis, right?
LOGAN: And so, they don’t have to do anything about it. The Afghanistan, that wasn’t a crisis that was a historic movement of people.
GUTFELD: Yes, right.
LOGAN: So, we don’t have to do anything about the fact that we’ve touched an entire nation.
LOGAN: And we’re isolated on the world stage at the exact moment that China’s launching its supersonic —
LOGAN: Right? Around the world missile, right?
LOGAN: And so on. And this just keeps going. Because the supply chain crisis is exposing the fact that we don’t make anything anymore.
LOGAN: And we don’t make enough to feed America. But don’t worry, they’re going to kill all the animals, and they’re going to give you food made in a factory, right?
LOGAN: You don’t know what’s in it, but Bill Gates has got you.
LOGAN: He got you’re back.
GUTFELD: That’s — I’m all for that factory — animal thing though, because that sounds tasty.
What am I saying? I’m joking. Up next, the woke will throw down if you screw up a pronoun.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: You are no longer free to be he or she? Yes, it’s time for —
ANNOUNCER: “HOORAY EVERYONE OUR NEW PRONOUNS ARE HERE!”
GUTFELD: So excited. Campus Reform uncovered the curious case of several new pronouns at Western Carolina University. Staff were reportedly surprised by 12 new combinations added to the list that students could choose from — that’s 12 new ways to tell us that you’re really annoying. Things like E, Eir, Fae, Faer, Per, Pers, Ve, Ver, Xe, Xem, — I don’t even know if I’m saying it right. Who do I — why do I care? And Ze and Zir.
Actually, I hope I pronounced all that correctly. Not really, I could seriously not give a (BLEEP). But for professors, but for professors, their jobs depend on it. You know, according to an e-mail sent to faculty, students requested the pronouns for inclusivity and to better represent their preferred identities. Meanwhile, Margaret Atwood, the author of the ultimate feminist novel, “The Handmaid’s Tale,” is riling up woke-sters because she still likes using the word woman.
She retweeted an op-ed titled: “Why can’t we say woman anymore?” which apparently is a controversial new term for creatures born without external genitalia. As expected, the faceless, nameless, genderless Twitter mob is coming for her. We go to an outraged member of that mob for comment.
I admire what they said. I did it. I did it. Joe, I can’t tell you how excited I am over the new pronouns. It’s almost like a new fall fashion line arriving for me. I try them all out. How about you?
JOE MACHI, EDIAN: This is creating a lot of problems for me, Greg, because pronouns are supposed to be vague ways I describe people in front of them when I forgotten their names.
MACHI: And now, I can’t — if I can’t remember their names, I can’t remember their specific individual pronoun. I mean, this bastard over he’ll back me up on that one.
GUTFELD: Laura, you know, did you — I don’t, I, I mentioned in the break, it is, according to the State Department. Our State Department tweeted that it’s International Pronoun Day, and then explain why we have different pronouns. That’s our State Department.
LAURA LOGAN, FOX NATION HOST: Yes. I’m very reassured by that especially when you look at what just recently happened in Afghanistan.
LOGAN: With the State Department made us all proud, right?
LOGAN: I mean, every time I get another picture of a woman who’s been raped and murdered in Afghanistan or someone else beheaded by the Taliban, you know, I can’t help say wow, this make Joe Biden so proud, right? What a legacy?
GUTFELD: Yes, and what about the pronoun, right? It’s like, yes, at least we got the pronoun, right.
LOGAN: Yes, you can be sure that in a terrorist super state, they don’t worry about pronouns. They just kill you.
GUTFELD: They just kill you. Kat, I think that we should all have our own pronoun. I’ve selected mine. It’s Oprah. So, from now on, you were to call me Oprah. All the time. And because that, because if you don’t, I’m going to feel some sort of emotional pain.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: What if I insist on doing that forever?
GUTFELD: I dare you to.
GUTFELD: What is your preferred pronoun?
TIMPF: I was reading about this, and I was reading a lot about it and all the different ones they were all just gender-neutral pronouns. There was no — I couldn’t find a difference between them.
TIMPF: It was just try — you’re supposed to just try them out and see which one feels the best.
TIMPF: I have not done that.
GUTFELD: No, you haven’t.
TIMPF: But I have not felt compelled to do that. Because you know, I’m you know, she/her, but I don’t really feel a certain way about that either. I don’t think about it that much.
TIMPF: But I guess maybe, I’m just a hack because I’m just like a born a woman, and I’m a woman. I mean, how boring of me?
GUTFELD: Yes. Also, you have you have stuff to do in your life. The only people that worry about this crap are people who have nothing else in their life to worry about.
TIMPF: I will call you whatever you want. Oprah, OK. But — you got to be OK with the fact that I am a woman who is — I’m a woman.
LOGAN: You’re going to be fired.
GUTFELD: Yes. I’m not culturally appropriating Oprah. I am actually —
GUTFELD: Oprah. I am Oprah. All right. You know, Charles, I think the tragedy here is when you’re about to say something like, you know, when you’re, you’re on TV, and you’re like, well, this is a classic he-said-she- said. Now, you’re going to have to say it’s a classic Zer said, Ze said.
CHARLES HURT, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: It just sounds like you’re stuttering.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
HURT: Because it makes no sense.
GUTFELD: Drunk —
HURT: So, the story, the story about the university, I thought was telling because it sort of proves the point that I sort of believed for a long time. I think, I don’t think the professors are pushing this as much as the inmates have taken over the asylum.
HURT: And like, who doesn’t want to get out of work? I don’t, you know, when I was a student, I didn’t want to ever actually do any of the work. If I get to spend all the time, you know, during the professor talking about he, she instead of having to actually reading the book, that would have been great. I would have, I would have come out ahead as far as I was concerned. But, but it’s also why no one who worries about this stuff will ever accomplish anything.
They — and you cannot put them in charge of anything. If you gave them a dairy, and you said OK, produce milk, and they went and got a bunch of boy cows and put them in the dairy, they would have a bunch of very happy cows, but they would not. They would not produce milk. And you would have a real problem on your hands. And America would, would fight it would be the final death rows —
TIMPF: A very relatable analogy.
LOGAN: The getting rid of all the cows. You missed that memo.
GUTFELD: It reminds me of a weekend I spent in Vermont.
GUTFELD: Subscribe. No one’s ever said that to me before, and I think that hurt me deeply, Charlie. You live in a farm. Who cares? That was anti-farm sentiment. I apologize because I’m Oprah. Oprah can do anything. I’ve just found that out. All right. Up next, the burger joint known for healthier grease refuses to be the vaccination police.
GUTFELD: The city by the bay is now the city in decay, where you can’t eat without vaccines but feel free to rob Walgreens. San Francisco health officials the same ones who let the homeless Poupon stoops briefly shut down and in and out for not forcing the vaccine mandate. The city said, the Fisherman’s Wharf location wasn’t checking the vax status of its customers. The chain’s actual response, “We refuse to become the vaccination police for any government,” good for them. Quite a contrast from the free rectal probes they’re offering at Burger King.
Now, that’s what I call have it your way. You can’t buy a burger but you can still shoplift. Soon, that will be the only way to get a burger or a prescription. Walgreens is closing five San Francisco location citing the huge rise in organized retail theft. But the liberal, Mayor London Breed, denies that theft was the issue. She argues that Walgreens had a hard time making money because there were so many locations around town. But with that logic, shouldn’t their heroin dealers have been going out of business too?
So, yes, I don’t believe your eyes, London, all that shoplifting had nothing to do with the shop closing. It’s amazing, even the mayors are denying reality and siding with thuggery. The thefts in the closing are just a coincidence much like Barry Bonds hitting all those home runs while his head doubled in size. In and out, Kat, they usually describes how my body handles their food.
TIMPF: That might be a record for the longest time it took you to get to a poop joke, so congrats.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
TIMPF: Showing growth
GUTFELD: Should more companies be like in and out?
TIMPF: No, I’m, I’m sick of — I know that’s what the new normal and we should be talking about this like it’s normal, but it’s not. Like having to present a medical document, you get a fast-food cheeseburger, is (BLEEP) the same.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is.
TIMPF: Like, I don’t care what your politics are, that is unbelievable — that is just objective like crazy. Nobody in a fast-food restaurant wants anyone, wants to like even show their face, right?
TIMPF: That’s not why you’re there.
TIMPF: Don’t ask me for my medical documents. I’m disgusted. I have given up. Give me a cheeseburger.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, it’s true. Yes, it is true, Charlie. I mean, like you’re going In and Out, it’s not like you’re really up on the health kicks.
HURT: No, exactly. But I also think this is a perfect example of why this this stuff’s about to get real. Because you start closing down in and out burgers and all the political philosophy, all the concerns, the constitutional concerns here, all that stuff is like, like piker stuff. When Kat gets upset because the In and Out burger is closed, or she can’t get order, or there’s a problem, that’s where there are going to be fights that are going to break out.
HURT: And that’s where all this change. But the funniest thing was the thing about the Walgreens — the mayor’s response to Walgreens shutting down it she says that, oh, no, it had nothing to do with the COVID, it’s because they’re in the business environment is so terrible in my city.
GUTFELD: It’s — yes, it’s insane. It’s insane. And Laura, this is like a thing where like, we’re — we have our politicians and the media telling us things that we see didn’t happen. Mostly peaceful. Remember the riots? Oh, this is — no, there’s nothing going on behind me. And then, it’s like, London Breed saying like that. Walgreens is closing these places, because people are stealing 900 bucks a pop.
LOGAN: Yes, it’s like, it’s like saying that people are moving out of California, because they can’t afford to live. You know, it’s this is a consistent thing that you’re seeing all over the place. Antifa is just a myth, right?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
LOGAN: Isn’t that what Ralph Nader said? And you know, what’s disturbing about it, Greg, is they actually want you not to believe what’s right in front of you. We can all see it. But they’re saying no, don’t believe reality, right? We’re going to create a safe zone, where you can be one of 230 something pronouns.
LOGAN: And you can change your gender 32 times in a day, because believe me, there’s even memes about that. And the southern border cannot exist.
LOGAN: It can be wide open. You can have over a million illegal immigrants coming in. And by the way, we’re just going to remove the word illegal, and only talk about it as if it’s migrants. And it’ll all just, you know, go away. Actually, if you look at the political agenda, they don’t care about the chaos. They don’t care about the, the crime rate going up. They don’t care about the people in the inner cities in Minneapolis, whose life is that much harder. They actually want that. Because when you create that chaos, you get to be the solution.
LOGAN: And they want us to give up on our media and our institutions, our FBI, and our DOJ, they want you to say no, I’m giving up — you know why? Because they have such a tiny bit of support. And if we’ll give up, it’s the only form of victory that has to be given. You cannot win it. We they want all of us to give them that victory. And that’s why it’s so important for Americans to not accept that they’re so divided because it’s not true.
LOGAN: And for us not to surrender.
GUTFELD: Exactly. What do you say Joe to all of this?
MACHI: I can’t follow her passion. But I want to, I want to first admonish, Kat and an Oprah’s potty mouths in that segment. And I’m starting to think that two weeks to flatten the curve was a lie. Because —
LOGAN: That was the best joke of the night.
MACHI: I can’t, I can’t go into an In and Out Burger without showing my medical paperwork now but like I could go in there for the first few decades of my life and buy their food and that wasn’t bad for my health.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Exactly.
LOGAN: What happened to HIPAA?
GUTFELD: I don’t know. No, HIPAA — yes, the HIPAA is like a doctor, a doctor can’t do it but everybody else can. That’s, that’s what I found out.
LOGAN: Everybody else. Yes.
GUTFELD: All right. Up next, do you support taking pop tarts to courts?
GUTFELD: This breakfast dispute has her asking where’s the fruit? TMZ reports a New York woman, aren’t they all? That’s filed a class action lawsuit against Kellogg’s for five million bucks alleging that its strawberry flavored pop tarts do not contain enough strawberries to live up to its name.
It reminds me of my lawsuit against Hooker Furnishings. The plant, the plant — the plaintiff claims that Kellogg’s pads, the pastries with cheaper fruits, apples and pears. Those are cheaper? And that misleads customers. And then they use my favorite read 40 to make it more red, which I guess is a chemical. We emailed Kellogg’s and they said they don’t comment on pending litigation. I don’t blame them. I’m currently being sued by 500 people on Tinder for saying it was just a rash. All right, Joe, I love pop tarts, do you love pop tarts?
MACHI: They’re delicious, Greg.
MACHI: But I’ll tell you why I don’t like this health food industry. It’s always trying to pull the wool over our eyes because they’ll say like, no sugar when it’s high in fat, and they’ll say low fat when it’s high in sugar.
MACHI: It’s always a scam. Like, I once bought this pudding because it had people playing tennis on it. And it was like the no sugar pudding and shouldn’t have been like people not exercising?
GUTFELD: You’re tricked by that, by the images — that happens to me a lot, Charlie. You don’t know where, you don’t know where you are.
HURT: I didn’t know what that meant, I still don’t know what that means.
MACHI: That, that’s like, that’s not for the healthy people.
HURT: Look, I don’t know anything about the lawsuit. But, but, but you know, as a as a parent of teenagers, like one of my biggest battles in life is breaking my children’s habit of eating cereal.
GUTFELD: Hmm, it’s impossible.
HURT: And the only thing that’s worse is pop tarts because it’s like, it’s — pop tarts is like cereal for kids that are too lazy to go get the milk?
HURT: It’s like that’s too much effort. So, I’m just going to pop a pop tart.
GUTFELD: Oh, I love — you know what I love —
TIMPF: The worst thing your teenagers do is eat cereal.
TIMPF: That’s crazy.
HURT: Because it’s like, I mean, I would rather that change their pronouns.
TIMPF: And then you should go home, like — people — you have teenagers, and they worry about stuff they’re doing. You’re like man minor eating cereal — it’s not that bad. Some of them drink, you know.
HURT: But it’s not food.
GUTFELD: It is food.
HURT: It’s not real.
GUTFELD: There’s nothing better than toasting a pop tart and thinking that the — because the edges are warm, you forget that the insides will scorch the roof of your mouth.
HURT: I get it, it’s good, but it’s an indulgence that just it leads to the end of civilization.
GUTFELD: Are you a pop — do you like pop tarts, Laura?
LOGAN: You know, the cookies and cream ones are hot favorite in my house.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
LOGAN: I got to be honest. You mean cereal is not a food, Charlie?
HURT: No, it’s not.
TIMPF: Like, I can’t get him to stop eating cereal.
LOGAN: I’m just so grateful that my children are eating. If my son’s eating, it doesn’t matter what it is in my house.
GUTFELD: Well, I think we solved this problem. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.
GUTFELD: We are so out of time. Thanks to the great Laura Logan, Charlie Hurt, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf, and our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream. I’m Oprah and I love you, America.
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