When I joined “The Five”, we were moved to 9 p.m. This meant that my liberal mother had already had her vodka when the show aired.
After a drink, she can become quite passionate about politics. During the show, my iPhone would beep with text messages from my mom. This drove my co-host Dana Perino crazy until I figured out how to put my phone on silent. The texts were scathing critiques of my commentary. I read a few aloud during the commercial break and everyone laughed. We decided to feature them on-air as my “One More Thing” at the end of the show, branding it “Mom Texts.”
It was like reading hate mail, but from your own mother. The audience enjoyed it. Responding to the mom texts was a bad idea. It would take me down a dark liberal rabbit hole. I knew when I wrote my new book, “How I Saved the World” (available July 6), I’d finally have my chance to respond to her without giving her the chance to text back. Here’s what I put in the book.
1. “I cannot and will not identify myself as the mother of Trump’s wingman. Change it up.”
You can and you will.
2. “You are on ‘Fantasy Island’! And don’t make statements about what I as a Democrat want. Illegal immigration?”
Prove to me that you don’t want illegal immigration. I’m waiting…
3. “Brutal and mean and not American and ludicrous and where is your voice, Jesse? Sad. Words matter.”
I’m sensing deep disappointment here.
4. “WHAT R U TALKING ABOUT!!!???”
All caps. Wow. I must have said something really accurate.
5. “What makes you think it’s appropriate to viciously disparage, insult and dismiss a member of Congress? How does that behavior contribute to any sort of civil discourse? Humility helps; character counts. Think about that, Jesse.”
I’ve thought about it and will continue to disparage.
6. “Oh, my goodness! And you actually believe Trump is not divisive!!! You’ve been swallowed by semantic quicksand!!!”
“Swallowed by semantic quicksand.” I’m going to steal this line.
7. “Please pronounce your ‘ing’s. The word is ‘putting’ not ‘puttin.’ Peekin’? Restockin’??”
I’m having flashbacks to middle school.
8. “I am honestly concerned that your colleagues have begun to roll their eyes at your diatribes.”
I’ve noticed it, too. I expect it from Juan but not from Dana.
9. “I cannot watch today or tomorrow, so bring back the kind Jesse.”
He never left.
10. “You are screaming at Juan and so disrespectfully. Tone it down!”
I’m sorry I can’t help it.
11. “Remember to respect your elders and I mean Geraldo!”
12. “Do not throw your hat in with Rasputin.”
I’m assuming you mean Putin here.
13. “Eyebrow problems? Did you dye your eyebrows black?”
Mom, no! I have YOUR eyebrows!
14. “Commitment to the world’s environment is both lofty and critical. Are you proud to go public with the fact that you do not recycle!!!? Sad.”
Not proud. Recycling can be difficult.
15. “We need to be worried about the stability of the Republic!”
Please read something else besides the New York Times.
16. “When you are good, you are so very, very good, and when there is a performance like last night’s, I become so distraught that you have moved ever closer to that imaginary line that cannot be crossed.”
I think it’s safe to say we disagree on where that line is.
17. “I have delighted in your more measured and thoughtful language and approach to issues these last months, and I’ve said that to you. So then I began to wonder, is this Mean Mondays? Because this only happens on Mondays.”
Nobody is in a good mood on Mondays, Mom.
18. “I am tired of the ‘FOX and Friends’ fellow.”
Sorry, Kilmeade. Mom’s not a fan.
19. “Enough. Think about how to make the world a better place.”
That’s exactly what I’m doing.
20. “All I can say is thank God for Juan Williams. Really, Jesse?”
21. “Jesse, really good show. But how about trying to come up with more meaningful and impactful ‘One More Things.’ Your score on that front is not soaring.”
You didn’t like my monkey fight video?
22. “On Chapter 5 of ‘Fire and Fury.’ An absolute must-read.”
This is where she gets her information from.