'The Five' on Biden getting tough questions about Afghanistan withdrawal

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: Hello, everybody. I’m Jesse Watters along with Dagen McDowell, Geraldo Rivera, Dana Perino and Greg Gutfeld. What are you doing? It’s 5:00 in New York City and this is “The Five.” 

The show is turning 10 and we are keeping the celebration going. As you can see, just take a look at what we got going on in the studio today. Later on, don’t miss an epic edition of Dana’s sports corner also. We got carnival games, cotton candy, prizes and a giant elephant that does tricks.


WATTERS: Well, maybe not a giant elephant, but there’s a lot of fun coming up later on. But first, a trivia showdown on some of “The Five’s” most memorable moment. So let’s put our “Five” knowledge to the test. All right, first question everybody.

GUTFELD: Are they playing at home? 

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes, play at home.

WATTERS: You can play at home. 

GERALDO RIVERA, FOX NEWS HOST: So what, we right our answers? 

WATTERS: Geraldo, we’ve been over this. 

RIVERA: Oh, my god. I miss that class.

PERINO: Of course (inaudible). 

WATTERS: All right, number one, what was the first word Greg banned? What was the first word Greg banned? 

RIVERA: Oh, my god, I know what this one is. 

GUTFELD: I know what it is. 

WATTERS: All right, put it up. 

PERINO: I’m drawing a blank, blank, blank. 

WATTERS: End of the day? Conversation? Impeachment? Woke? Okay, what is it? 

The answer is. 

GUTFELD: I don’t know.


PERINO: It is what it is.

GUTFELD: I started a ban a word —


GUTFELD: — and today it’s apoplectic. I never want to hear that word again. It somehow gained favor in the last month and I’m tired of it. 


RIVERA: Apoplectic?

GUTFELD: I never would have gotten that one. Apoplectic, I like that word.

PERINO: I remember when you banned it is what is.


PERINO: And I was so glad. That was a good one. 

WATTERS: Looks like all of my talking points out the window.


WATTERS: All right, number two —

RIVERA: Time will tell, ban that one.

WATTERS: How many times has Dana cursed on the air, which is good? This is a good one.

PERINO: Well, okay, technicality. 

GUTFELD: You can’t —

PERINO: If you use something as a verb it’s not really cursing, but okay, fine. 

WATTERS: Oh, let’s just —

GUTFELD: I think I could challenge that right now. 

WATTERS: Once. All right, and let’s hear.

PERINO: Oh, no!


UNKNOWN: — pacing people around with a reptile. 

UNKNOWN: Oh my god.

UNKNOWN: Even going into the —

PERINO: What an (BLEEP). 


PERINO: And also as a conservative woman, you just sort of like you know you’re not going to get glow (ph) profile so you just get your (BLEEP) done. Right.



WATTERS: Well, that’s it? Just two? 

PERINO: Just two? You missed one.

WATTERS: We missed one?

PERINO: I got bleeped for using, well, can I say it? B-I-T-C-H-I-N. I said that as a verb and they bleeped me. 

WATTERS: That’s not really a curse a word.

GUTFELD: And you (inaudible) like you are complaining. 

RIVERA: It’s so cute the way you spell it out. 

PERINO: Well, I don’t want to get bleeped again and then next time, on our tenth anniversary we’ll have to add another one. 

WATTERS: All right, number three, what topic was being discussed when I first asked Dana to squeeze my hands? Remember when I squeezed Dana’s hand when I’m treading on thin ice. What topic? 

PERINO: Okay. 

GUTFELD: Oh, geez.

PERINO: Oh, boy, I don’t know if this is — I don’t know.

RIVERA: That’s a minefield. 

GURFELD: That’s every single idea we’ve ever talked about. 

WATTERS: MeToo? Panic? Women? 


GUTFELD: Ladies. 

WATTERS: Ladies? What did you say? Women. Let’s hear it. What was it?


WATTERS: I feel like there is a lot of landmines for me in the story so I’m going try something new. I’m going to ask Dana told my hand. Dana, if you feel like I’m saying something inappropriate, you squeeze it, and I will then move on to another issue.

PERINO: Yes, yes.


WATTERS: So, was it about sex somehow or women?


GUTFELD: The Peloton ad in which everybody was complaining that she had become some kind of like subservient to her husband because she wanted to look good. It turns out they were way ahead of everything. 

PERINO: And that she — and that she didn’t really want to get a Peloton.


PERINO: It was forced upon her.

RIVERA: I remember that. 

WATTERS: Okay, next one. Number four, Dagen said she’d rather eat a bushel of what rather than watch Chris Cuomo? Bushel of what?

GUTFELD: Oh, I think I know. 

WATTERS: The colorful Dagen. A bushel of? 

PERINO: Oh, wow! I mean, there are so many possibilities.

MCDOWELL: There is so many. I don’t —

GUTFELD: I feel like this is —

MCDOWELL: Yes, I use that a lot, Greg. I was going to say —

WATTERS: Bull frogs.

MCDOWELL: — candy corn. 

WATTERS: Crab sticks. Geraldo, we’re going to have to bleep you. 


WATTERS: All right, what did Dagen say she’d rather eat a bushel of than watch Chris Cuomo? 


MCDOWELL: I’d rather eat a bushel of cicadas than watch half of one hour of Chris Cuomo.


WATTERS: Cicadas. 

MCDOWELL: Is my brain a sieve. I said that like a few weeks ago. 

WATTERS: That was in June. None of us got that right. 

MCDOWELL: Oh my, god.

RIVERA: I needed a briefing on this segment.

WATTERS: Yes. Geraldo, you were like —

GUTFELD: We were talking about it. 

RIVERA: — every other show. All right, number five, fill in the blank. 

Geraldo has called himself America’s blank uncle. America’s blank uncle. 

PERINO: Sexy. 

RIVERA: That’s true. That’s true. 

WATTERS: Dirty. Latin. Stoner. Sexy. Oh, happy. All right, let’s see it.


RIVERA: I think of myself as America’s stoner uncle.


RIVERA: I’m like America’s stoner uncle now.

WATTERS: Who got that? Greg got that?

GUTFELD: No, I said dirty. 

WATTERS: Geraldo got it. Geraldo is winning with one. 

RIVERA: It’s pretty pathetic. 

WATTERS: All right. Very good, Geraldo. Geraldo, you’re not allowed to win. 

RIVERA: All right. Okay. 

WATTERS: All right, number six —

RIVERA: I’ll throw it.

WATTERS: — name all of the animals the Columbus Zoo brought onset. 

GUTFELD: Oh, my god. 


WATTERS: This was last year I believe. 

PERINO: Okay, wait, wait, wait. 

WATTERS: Before the pandemic. Name all of the animals. OH, I can only name two. Sloth and cat. Like a wildcat. 

MCDOWELL: I guessed.

GUTFELD: I said —

PERINO: I wrote cat wild.

GUTFELD: — bobcat with weird ears. 

WATTERS: Bobcat. Can you give me cat? Sloth, kangaroo, penguin — oh, Dana’s got this.

RIVERA: Was there a penguin?

WATTERS: Let’s see it. What do we have here? Columbus Zoo, roll it.



This is a young cat. It’s five months old, Tebow. It’s Canada lynx.

PERINO: I’m going to hold the kangaroo. Okay, this is Zuko.

STALF: And it’s a South African penguin.


PERINO: How I’d think I’d get three.

WATTERS: Dana’s got it. 


GUTFELD: The age on set (inaudible) decline.

WATTERS: So, let’s go to the scoreboard. Geraldo, one, Dana, one. Greg, you better step it up.

GUTFELD: Like, yes, yes, yes.

WATTERS: You’re a vet here. Number seven, what was the first animal video Greg showed for “Animals are Great?” 

MCDOWELL: Oh, this is a good one.

PERINO: Just the animal? 

WATTERS: Like what kind of animal or describe the video. 

PERINO: What do you call those little things? Oh, yes, I know. I know. I know. 

MCDOWELL: I’m guessing but I’m reading your mind, Greg.

GUTFELD: I’m going to go with bush — oh, I was just putting that. 

PERINO: It’s his favorite.

WATTERS: Oh, I think you guys are right.

GUTFELD: I need one.

WATTERS: All right. Cat?

GUTFELD: Cat playing with a laser.

MCDOWELL: I said a cat playing with a laser.

WATTERS: All right. Let’s see the tape. What did Greg have for the first one?


GUTFELD: It is time for “Animals are Great.” This hamster is great. And you know why? Because he shows you how to inspect a home.


WATTERS: Hamster. You know what that means everybody? We have to go to a tiebreaker. We have a tiebreaker. Should I just read the next one and consider it a tiebreaker? 

GUTFELD: Is it tied up? Yes.

WATTERS: This is the tiebreaker. Only you guys can answer this question. 

GUTFELD: I’ll probably get it right, then. 


PERINO: Whisper it to me.

WATTERS: Okay. How many episodes of “The Five” are there? 

GUTFELD: I’m going to play along anyway. 

WATTERS: Whoever scores this wins.

RIVERA: I am going to be close.

WATTERS: Dana, that was fast. 

GUTFELD: I’m going to say this. Did you keep that in your journal? 

PERINO: No, I saw it on a piece of paper the other day. 

WATTERS: All right. What is the answer? Someone tell me what the answer is. 


WATTERS: 2,593, I think Dana is the —

RIVERA: No, she was dyslexic. No. 

GUTFELD: She had the answer.

PERINO: No, no, no. It was on a piece of paper the other day and I have somewhat of a photographic memory. 

RIVERA: All right.


WATTERS: Dana, the queen of “The Five” trivia.


WATTERS: Well done, Dana Perino. 

PERINO: Thank you. Thank you.

WATTERS: There is more of this 10-year anniversary fun of “The Five.” Who’s got the best carnival skills? We’re going to find out later in a special “Dana’s Sports Corner.” But coming up next, Joe Biden blowing up on the media over his Afghanistan withdrawal plan as the Taliban regains control.


MCDOWELL: President Biden playing defense as the potential for disaster looms in Afghanistan. The Taliban already gaining momentum as U.S. troop withdrawal is more than 90 percent complete. President Biden addressing his plan earlier and getting nasty when pressed by reporters. 


UNKNOWN: Is a Taliban takeover of Afghanistan now inevitable? 



BIDEN: Because you have the Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped, as well-equipped as any army in the world. 

UNKNOWN: Do you trust the Taliban, sir?

BIDEN: Is that a serious question?


BIDEN: Chris, it’s a silly question. Do I trust the Taliban? No, but I trust the capacity of the Afghan military who is better trained, better equipped, and more competent in terms of conducting war. 

UNKNOWN: Will the United States be responsible for the loss of Afghan civilian lives that could happen after the military exit?

BIDEN: No, no, no. 


MCDOWELL: Dana, the press corps, they were on the ball (inaudible). 

PERINO: That’s the toughest week — that was the toughest questions that he’s had. If you remember Robert Gates who served Bush, Obama, and when he wrote his book he said — this is his words not mine — that “Joe Biden has been wrong on every foreign policy issue since the ’70s.”

And I’m not going to debate whether we should leave Afghanistan. So the decision has been made but you can leave in a way that his dignity and is not so sloppy. 

The other thing that is really bothering me is the issue of the Afghan interpreters who sacrificed, works for us, and you have people like Congressman Michael Waltz and Dan Crenshaw who both served and who will say that their interpreters saved their lives. 

Well, they are supposed to be able to come here and because the Taliban want to kill them. And so there is a whole bunch (inaudible) stuck over there, but this case that’s really bothering me this week is there is a man named Niazy Zalmay. He lives in Iowa. He’s been there since 2014. When he found out — he came for a conference. He found out that the Taliban was going to try to kill him, applied for political asylum.

He’s been living in Iowa. He has a business, he has employees. He’s an exemplary record. He goes in for his interview to finally get his approval to stay, and they said — “Department of Homeland Security, have you ever had any interaction with the Taliban?” And he says, “Well, I can’t tell a lie. When I was nine years old the Taliban came to me and said I had to go get them a piece of bread from my mom. So I went to my mom, I got the bread and I gave it to the Taliban and my mom yelled and called them smugglers (inaudible). 

Okay, he was nine years old. The Department of Homeland Security has sent him a letter that says “because of your interaction with the Taliban, you are not allowed to stay.” And they are going to deport him on this ridiculous technicality. 

And the White House is like, well, that’s what the law says. And I just think that is extremely hard to believe. I hope somebody is actually telling the president what’s really going on here because somebody needs to get to Secretary Mayorkas and say that should not stand. That is shameful. 

MCDOWELL: And it’s shameful that they don’t have a path to protect the interpreters, Geraldo. I mean, this seems very haphazard. They move the date up to August 31st now because somebody told the Biden administration “Hey, 9/11 just looks bad. It looks like a marketing ploy. 

RIVERA: A couple of quick points. I think that this was Joe Biden at his finest. You may disagree with him but he was strong, he was committed, he’s doing something that is controversial, but in the best interest and issue of the United States. 

We went to Afghanistan to avenge 9/11. We killed Bin Laden. It was graced to be on the air and to break that news to the nation that Bin Laden had been killed by our great SEAL warriors. We should have left then in 2011. 

We stayed 10 years too long. 

Afghan is a failed state. It’s a narco state. It provides all the heroin that’s consumed in Europe. We had a — and once I was with the Marines in Helmand province. They actually camping in poppy fields there. It’s a disgusting, savage place. It’s going to splinter. There was no holding it together. 

In terms of our — I have Akbar Shinwari, our dear interpreter, my guy, the guy saved my life. Same thing, you know, we worked for Sky News at some point. They talk to the Taliban. You know, you can get them on the telephone. So now, he’s got to straighten all that out before he can get here. 

People we know on a first-name basis that risked everything. Having said that, I also want to say, my god, our G.I.’s, our warriors that gave so much, some their lives, you know, I get pictures during the time when I was the war correspondent. I get pictures from their families. You interviewed airman so-and-so. He died here and there. 

It was, you know, it’s a horrible experience. We should have learned from the Alexander the Great and the British Empire and the Soviet Union, that you can’t remake a country in our own image. You will never make Afghanistan France. Forget about it. You know, let’s cut our losses, longest war in history. 

MCDOWELL: Well, now the story becomes China. China ramping up Afghanistan involvement amid U.S. withdrawal. Afghanistan is no longer in our national or strategic interest said President Biden today. Oh, really? Radical Islamic terrorism isn’t because you’ve got the Taliban and Al Qaeda and ISIS. 

WATTERS: I think we got a handle on it. And Geraldo is right, Joe Biden was more coherent than I have ever seen him today and that’s just because I could understand what Joe was saying so that’s a low bar and that’s as complementary as I will be of the president. 

Genghis Khan also, Geraldo —

RIVERA: Right.

WATTERS: — he got bounced out of there too, so, it’s a really bad track record. The terrain is disgusting, caves, mountains, deserts, the export opium, rugs, poverty-stricken. I don’t know how you can fight there. You could spend the next century just gunning down Taliban after — in Afghanistan, place would still be the same.

There is really no difference if you look at Vietnam and Afghanistan. Not winnable wars in the traditional sense. Nixon recognized it. You have the Vietcong hiding underground in tunnels, in jungles assimilating within the population, they jump out at any time and shoot a G.I. 

They had to get out and you’re never going to win in the traditional sense. 

So, the Taliban only force right now in play there, they reconstituted. 

That was inevitable. Really the issue is how hard are we going to have to dig and to defend the embassy in Kabul? That’s the big issue.

But, thanks to George W. Bush and the succeeding presidents, we have set up such a great counterterror system with satellites and financial tracking systems —

RIVERA: Drones.

WATTERS: — interrogation drones, all sorts of technology that we can really disrupt plots, see them as they are coming together. So hopefully we can protect the homeland from here. 

MCDOWELL: Geraldo liked President Biden’s performance today, but that was bumbling and incoherent a lot of times. 

RIVERA: So did Jesse. 

WATTERS: Well, I’m just saying better than he has been before. 


WATTERS: I’m not saying it’s good, it’s just better. 

GUTFELD: I don’t know, I mean, you know, I give him a pass because 20 years is a long time and we have to accept that the world has changed, especially with warfare and technology. We’ve got to get over this idea it is a failure to leave. It is not a failure to leave. It’s acknowledgment that the world has changed. 

And maybe this kind of warfare that we were dealing with is almost irrelevant and antiquated especially when you talk about the drones and you talk about the threats that we are seeing with ransomware which we can’t even get a handle on. And we need to concentrate on things like ransomware and bioterror, drones, and things like that. 

The way to look at it is Afghanistan isn’t going anywhere, but thanks to technology, we can go anywhere. And that means that, you know, we don’t have to be there. We may not have to occupy anyplace anymore to keep us safe. And I think we kind of knew that and I think it’s time. 

And people should not think of this is any kind of defeat. It’s just that the world has changed. Terrorism is different. Drones, bioterrorism, it’s all changed. Why are we there? We don’t have to be. So anyway. 

MCDOWELL: I’m just curious to see how China leverages that against us. They want to dominate the world. 

RIVERA: I would love to — China, take Afghanistan. It’s yours.


GUTFELD: Look what they did to Russia, I mean, USSR.

RIVERA: Exactly.

GUTFELD: Every time you jumped in there its —

RIVERA: Exactly.

MCDOWELL: Final word, Greg. You all better start warming up, do some deep knee bends because we’re getting close to some fun carnival games and a special “Dana’s Sports Corner.” That’s later.

Up next, radical squad member Rashida Tlaib has a new target to defund and it could leave America’s borders even more open. 


GUTFELD: Defunding the police isn’t enough, Democrats have new agencies they want to target. Squad member Rashida Tlaib is demanding we gut funding

— I said it right — to top immigration agencies even though there is a crisis at the border. 


REP. RASHIDA TLAIB (D-MI): We must eliminate funding for CPP, ICE, and their parent organization, DHS. These are agencies are inept to humanely guiding migrants to our immigration system and further continue — instead they further continue to terrorize migrant communities located within our communities. 


GUTFELD: Dana, I have a theory. 

PERINO: Okay. 

GUTFELD: That she — the reason why she i an awful politician, probably the worst politician, is because she hates America and she realizes she can do much better within the system destroying it with her own incompetence. 

So she looks at the rising crime wave and she goes less cops, less — fewer cops. Let’s get rid of all of these law enforcement agencies and let’s all let it go to hell because I’m just an incompetent politician. She actually, deliberately destroying the country, my theory. 

PERINO: Good theory. 

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PERINO: You know who is hardest hit today? 


PERINO: All the Democrats who said it was Republicans that were trying to defund the police.


RIVERA: They got pinocchioed. 

PERINO: (Inaudible). They didn’t get the memo. If you look at what the border patrol has actually done, how much humanitarian work they have done where the cartels are doing nothing but trying to destroy them. I got these talking points from Jesse this morning when he was on newsroom, but it was a really good point. 

GUTFELD: You got his talking points? That’s never happened.

WATTERS: I’ll allow it. 

GUTFELD: It’s usually the reverse.

PERINO: But they are doing all of these great things. And obviously, I’m not saying that they are 100 percent perfect, but it is so much better than the idea of just basically saying, you know, open borders.

GUTFELD: Jesse, we have full-scale crime wave and you have a party and a media in denial. If the Republicans don’t sweep the elections like justice- fueled Zamboni, I’m going to turn to a life of crime and I invite you to join me. 

WATTERS: Did you write justice-fueled Zamboni down? 


WATTERS: Okay. I just want everybody to know that. Okay, that’s good. You made a point earlier about that she wants to do this because this is purposeful.


WATTERS: That’s not an opinion, that’s fact and here’s why. If you follow the logic, when we defunded the police, crime went up. So if you defund the border patrol, illegal immigration goes up. Thusly, she must know two plus two equals four. She must know saying I want to increase illegal immigration. 

It is almost refreshing, Greg, because most Dems dance around that. They squirm. She is actually admitting she wants to open the borders. So in a way, it’s better than debating someone that tries to hide that. Dana is right, my point, beautiful, I made it on her show. If you look at the video that we’re showing, you can’t deny this. This is a fact. You have U.S. 

border patrol agents literally helping migrants cross the river. They’re rescuing them from drowning. They’re putting diapers on children. They’re feeding them. They’re giving them blankets. They’re giving them shelter. 

What are the cartels doing? They’re shaking them down for cash. They’re sex trafficking them. I mean, my God, they’re raping them.

PERINO: Putting them in stash houses. 

WATTERS: They’re putting them in stash houses, and then they’re using them as drug mules once they come across, and then extorting them afterwards. 

So, to say that we’re terrorizing? We’re rescuing these migrants from the hands of the cartels.

GUTFELD: And of course, anybody on the people on the other side would accuse you of being his — that hysteria, just like the crime wave. It’s all some kind of hysteria, Geraldo, that none of this is really happening.

RIVERA: Well, first of all about the squad, I appreciate their enthusiasm and their passion, even though sometimes they get dopey.

GUTFELD: Sometimes?

RIVERA: Rashida Tlaib’s problem here was conflating the Border Patrol and Immigration and Customs Enforcement. ICE, even within the agency itself is a movement to reform it. Why? Because here is — or these great cops that are trained and skilled and could be busting Mexican drug cartels, and who do they go after very often they pick, the low hanging fruit. It’s the dishwasher and the lawnmower and the babysitter, and the farmworker. 

WATTERS: I don’t know if that’s true, Geraldo. I don’t think that’s true. 

RIVERA: It’s Juan and Maria, that’s who they’re going after. 

WATTERS: No, because if you look at the list of the top 10 ICE suspects, it’s rapists, it’s murderers, it’s hardcore traffickers. It’s not dishwashers, Geraldo. 

RIVERA: Where do you think they get — why do you think they terrorize these immigrant communities? Because they take people on buses, they stop people that are waiting on corners, they go into the kitchens of restaurants. They should be — they should be going after mobsters and killers and then drug cartels, not Juan and Maria. 

WATTERS: Well, they do. 

GUTFELD: I’m sure they agree with you on that. 

WATTERS: And the dishwashers are not a priority. 

GUTFELD: What do you say, Dagen?

MCDOWELL: That may be Rashida Tlaib doesn’t even know what these agencies do, that she lumped them all together. Because clearly what the Border Patrol is doing, if she ever looked on YouTube even, she could watch some videos of little children of like infants being rescued by our Border Patrol, heroes, overworked, overwhelmed, and ignored largely, rescuing children who were put in harm’s way by cartel members and criminals who are emboldened Biden and company’s policies. 

I guess she rolled out of bed this morning and her feet hit the floor and she said I am not a lunatic enough. I just — I need to plumb new depths of loathsomeness to say this because talking about we need to end policing, oh, and incarceration, that wasn’t stupid enough.

WATTERS: Did Peter Doocy take my hand and ask Psaki that question because I telegraphed it on your show, Peter. 

PERINO: I didn’t see that today. I didn’t see that today.

WATTERS: He needs to ask that question. 

WATTERS: All right, coming up, disgraced lawyer Michael Avenatti is headed to prison and was weeping in court like Brian Stelter at CNN. 


RIVERA: I don’t like to kick a guy when he’s down but this is a truly loathsome creature. Former media darling Michael Avenatti heading to prison. The disgraced lawyer will spend two and a half years behind bars for trying to extort Nike for $ 25 million, who is apparently weeping in the courtroom today. And his legal troubles far from over. Avenatti faces two more trials on the west coast. The media looking very foolish after praising this creep. 


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: To me, you’re like the Holy Spirit. You are all places at all times.

BRIAN STELTER, CHIEF MEDIA CORRESPONDENT, CNN: Looking at the 20200, one reason why I’m taking you seriously as a contender is because of your presence on cable news.

I wrote about this saying, you’re currently leading the pack among 2020 contenders on the Democratic side. 

CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC HOST: Look, I think you’re doing a hell of a job. I don’t think you’re in this for money.


RIVERA: We used to share an office, Chris and I, at CNBC. So, Dana, is this

— that affection they showed Avenatti, was that Avenatti qualities or was that really about hating Trump?

PERINO: I think that it was just like getting carried away with themselves, like in the hopes that maybe somebody will be able to take on Donald Trump at the time. And Michael Avenatti, he craved the media attention. He gets –

– he was always available. I mean, it’s the easiest date in town. And the thing is also he was quite behind the times. 

What you do now if you want to get $ 25 million dollars from a company is you have basically you go underground and ask them for 20 — you know, $ 50 million in crypto, and that’s how you get paid like this. Like he doesn’t even know what he’s doing anymore. 

GUTFELD: No, you become a diversity consultant. And you introduce — and you come in and wokefy the corporation.

PERINO: You could do that as well. But I’m glad that justice was done here. 

And I’m really glad also that Nike’s lawyers sniff this out immediately, contacted the FBI.

RIVERA: The guy is driving Ferraris, he’s wearing a $ 2,000 suits and he’s –

– where’s the money coming from? So, what about stormy Daniels? Do you thinks she should — is it worth — Daniels, Daniels, Stormy Daniels.

GUTFELD: Yes. I like how you should remember — how you forget her name. 

How can you forget Stormy? He got 30 months. That’s one month for every hair on his head. I’m curious will Brian Stelter or Jeff Zucker visit him in jail. After all, they were — you know — 

WATTERS: Counselor’s visit. 

PERINO: Jesse Watters. 

GUTFELD: Jesse Watters, oh my God. 

WATTERS: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 

GUTFELD: But how does CNN report this? I mean, it’s like Michael Avenatti, a lawyer we just heard about today, we did not party with him, there no pictures of us with Don Lemon in the Hamptons, he just went to jail and we are so happy that he went to jail, and we have nothing to do with him. 

How else are they going to report on it? Because they push this guy on America because to your question to Dana, they were diluted by their — well, their delusional loathing of Donald Trump. They just hate — if this guy was like a mass murder and they still would have — 

RIVERA: But there’s very clear evidence of that, isn’t it, Jesse? You know, you can speak about media bias and all the rest of it. But when you see it laid bare like this, here’s a guy that was embraced in a way that was really obscene. It was so gushy. Michael Avenatti, Michael Avenatti, and then it turns out he’s just, you know, just a lowlife.

WATTERS: You have street smarts. This table has street smarts. We could smell his cheap cologne from a mile away. We saw it coming. But they don’t have street smarts over in these mainstream media hallways. They get duped. 

Remember Smollett? 


WATTERS: Smollett, oh, yes, I’m hungry for a Subway sandwich at 40 below. 

Come on, man. And they believe the guy a week later. And then this guy is little shady legal maneuvers, pulling fake victims out of his hat to destroy Kavanaugh. He was sucking up to everybody, all this grandiosity.

They got suckered into this guy. They hitched a wagon to a criminal carnival barker because they loath Trump and they thought this was going to be the silver bullet.

And when I noticed that guy was almost on TV as much as Fauci, when you see people on TV that much as — much as Fauci, and as much as of Avenatti, there’s always a big, big crash. Kilmeade better be careful. 

GUTFELD: Well, unless you’re selling a book.

WATTERS: Unless you’re selling the book.

MCDOWELL: I don’t care about Stormy. I’m glad this guy’s going to jail. You know why they can’t smell out this guy, this, you know, a steaming bag of skeeve that you can — 

WATTERS: A bag of cicadas?

MCDOWELL: Right. They can’t sniff him out because they are him. 


MCDOWELL: They are the combination — 

RIVERA: Oh, come on. 

MCDOWELL: Yes. They’re dip-witted and arrogant. What — how else do you explain this idiot goes to Nike, he’s like, I’m going to outsmart the lawyers at Nike. They’re all the same. It’s a party of one.

RIVERA: Stay tuned. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary with a special edition of Dana’s sports corner. So, let’s start getting suited up. Dude, look at this. We’re ready. 

WATTERS: Those looks like a cowboy jerseys. 

GUTFELD: Those are fun. 

WATTERS: You can’t put those on. 

HARRIS FAULKNER, FOX NEWS HOST: Happy birthday to everybody on THE FIVE. 

Wait a minute. Did you say 10 years? No, no, no, they’re a lot older than 10. Oh, the show, congratulations. Looking forward to the next decade and beyond for THE FIVE not you individually, but like the show is 10. I get it.

MARTHA MACCALLUM, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: A big Happy Birthday to THE FIVE. Thanks for letting me stop by every once in a while. You guys have a great legacy. 

Keep it going. Congratulations.


PERINO: All right, I’ve been waiting for this all day. It’s time for a special edition of Dana’s Sports Corner which I stole from Greg a few years ago. So, we have carnival games here from fantasy world entertainment. 

Thanks, you guys, for setting all this up. Jesse and I are going to square off on this basketball, pop a shot and I think I might win.

Dagen and Jesse and I, we’re going to — we’re going to do this thing over here and then we’re going to come over — what’s it called? The thing — the thing that you hit with the thing. 

MCDOWELL: Yes, the hammer. 

PERINO: The hammer. And then we’re going to come over here and do a balloon blast with Greg because there’s four of us. We’re going to write hit these things. 

GUTFELD: You know, when I head fantasy world entertainment, I was expecting something totally different. 

PERINO: What are you holding? All right, all right — 

WATTERS: Put that thing somewhere else. 

PERINO: And also — we also have Billy from Asbury Park Cotton Candy.

RIVERA: Yum, yum, yum. 

PERINO: And Geraldo is going to help us out. We’re going to snack on that. 

We’re going to feed the crew and our producers who are amazing and have done so much to set this up. Jesse, are you ready — 

WATTERS: I’m ready. 

PERINO: — to get schooled in the art of basketball?

WATTERS: Here we go. 

PERINO: Ready, one, two, three, go. Oh, shoot. I made a basket for me. 

GUTFELD: Anybody keeping score? 

PERINO: My mom is going to be so impressed. Is everybody counting?

RIVERA: She’s kicking your butt, dude. 

WATTERS: Did I win?

PERINO: Is that it? Who won?

MCDOWELL: Jesse won. 


WATTERS: Sorry, Dana. 

PERINO: Recount. 

WATTERS: Recount.

PERINO: There’s no way. I think I did win. Mom, believe me. I tried my best. 

WATTERS: I’m a little bit longer.

GUTFELD: I think we should have an audit. 

PERINO: OK, apparently Dagen thinks she knows how to do the striker. She had tips or something. 

MCDOWELL: Brian Dempsey — 

GUTFELD: I don’t press the machines.

MCDOWELL: — my stage — our stage manager showing how to do it beforehand. 

PERINO: All right. 

MCDOWELL: So, you put — you have to hit it here, so you — 

PERINO: Well, let’s just see it. 

MCDOWELL: No, but you — 

PERINO: Don’t tell Jesse how to do it. 


GUTFELD: There you go. 

PERINO: Try again one more time. 

WATTERS: You want another one?

MCDOWELL: Yes. I’ve got heels on. You have to wear heels, Jesse. 

WATTERS: Do I have to wear heels? 


PERINO: OK, OK, now let’s — 

MCDOWELL: I mean, you’re supposed to — no, but I hit it here, and you have to hit it here. You go. 

WATTERS: All right, let me try this. 

PERINO: That’s a little harder than I thought. 

WATTERS: All right, ready? Let me get right here. 

PERINO: Make Jesse Jr. proud. 


PERINO: Are you going to get this one for Jesse Jr. 

WATTERS: Yes. give me the price. 

PERINO: I thought I was going to win this. I do actually think I won the basketball. OK, wait.

WATTERS: Can you even hold that up? Do you need help?

PERINO: This is kind of heavy.

GUTFELD: The peloton has not helped you with the arm area. 

WATTERS: You skipped arm — 

MCDOWELL: You hit it better than I did.

PERINO: One more time?


WATTERS: Harder, Dana.

PERINO: That was hard. 

WATTERS: Six. I’ll hold on to this. 

PERINO: You win and you get — you get to choose one of these lovely toys from Fantasy World Entertainment for your little one. 

WATTERS: OK. Thank you Fantasy World. 

PERINO: OK, now — 

GUTFELD: Jasper would have just eaten that. All right, this is called balloon blast. You know how this works. Just aim them at the mouth of the clown. How many times have I said that? Am I right? I’ve had some great times after the carnival closes. 

PERINO: All right, OK, ready?

GUTFELD: All right. 

RIVERA: White is leading. White is leading. Here comes blue. Here comes blue. No, it’s white. It’s white. No, it’s blue. Blue wins. 

GUTFELD: I ran out of water. 


WATTERS: Dagen. 

PERINO: Oh, it stops when she wins. 

RIVERA: Well done, Dagen. 


RIVERA: All right, now, it’s time for — 

GUTFELD: You know what I need? I need to Beta Prostate. 

RIVERA: OK, cotton candy. 


RIVERA: Come on, Billy is spinning. Billy is spinning. 

PERINO: Asbury Park Cotton Candy. What’s the secret though to your great candy? Yours is a little different than everybody else. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So, it’s organic cotton candy. We don’t use any artificial flavors. We don’t use any food coloring. So you’ll see that it’s mostly you know, white. It’s not the blue and the pink that everyone’s used to but it’s just all-natural and delicious. 

PERINO: And it has — you have different flavors.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I have different flavors. I brought some today. But our most popular is our sea salt chocolate caramel. Geraldo is was going to help me here. 

RIVERA: OK. I got it. I got it. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It’s chocolate caramel cotton candy and some — 

RIVERA: Can I eat it or — 

GUTFELD: It looks like Geraldo’s hair. 

RIVERA: Look at that, my mustache. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: — with some black (INAUDIBLE). You turn while I do this. 


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Just a little bit of salt. 

PERINO: Oh, all right. 

RIVERA: That’s it?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Would you like one? Anybody?

PERINO: Dagen?

MCDOWELL: I want some. 

WATTERS: I’ll take it. 

GUTFELD: I’ll have to watch my girlish figure. 

RIVERA: Oh, it melts in your mouth. It’s very good. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: All right, who’s next? Who’s next?

PERINO: Dagen is going to be next.

GUTFELD: What hasn’t, Geraldo?

PERINO: Where can — where can people find you, Ashbury Park?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So, we are in a few shops in Ashbury Park. We’re in a candy store River Street Sweets. 

PERINO: Awesome. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: (INAUDIBLE) which is like the main drive. And then they can find us online 24/7. All of our sizes, all of our flavors — 

PERINO: Did all the tourist come back?

WATTERS: Oh, just dig right in, Dagen. 


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are you sure you don’t want salt?

PERINO: She’s good. 

RIVERA: You haven’t Bruce Springsteen?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I haven’t. I miss him every time he goes. 

PERINO: In the commercial break, we’re going to do a recount of the basketball because I really do think I won. 

RIVERA: I do too. 

PERINO: I won. Geraldo is with me on this. Favorite segment, “ONE MORE THING” is up next.


WATTERS: It is time for “ONE MORE THING.” Greg Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: Let’s do this, my favorites.

WATTERS: You look ridiculous. 

GUTFELD: Do I? Maybe I shouldn’t wear this. Too late. I was out in LA recently and the celebrities are everywhere always bothering me. I was out by the beach, Malibu, and who did I see driving around town but the lovely Paris Hilton in her little pink Jeep driving around. She’s — you know, she still looks great at the age of 57. Its amazing that she’s been around for that long.

WATTERS: You know, Geraldo had a house in Malibu? 


WATTERS: We learned about that yesterday. 

RIVERA: I was at a party with Paris Hilton.

GUTFELD: Of course, you did. 

WATTERS: Of course, you were, Geraldo. 

WATTERS: OK, so we got to get my book to number one. Right now, Reese Witherspoon’s book club recommendation is beating me and I’m not happy about it. Nothing against Reese. We have no beef with Reese. But go to Amazon and get the book to put me there at the top spot. 

I’m going to be appearing in person in Tampa for Turning Points Summit on July 19. I’m doing a little book signing there. I’m also at the Nixon library in Yorba Linda, California — fun word to say Yorba Linda — on July 26. So, go to the website and get tickets. And also Manasquan New Jersey on August 1st. That was Dan his recommendation. Go to book town. I’m going to be doing a book signing. I’ll even maybe take a picture with you. 

GUTFELD: Don’t do that. 

WATTERS: So, go and buy the book How I Saved the World. You may have heard of it. And make me a very happy rich person.



PERINO: Well, happy birthday eve to you. 

WATTERS: Thank you. 

RIVERA: Really? Happy Birthday.

WATTERS: I thought it was my birthday today. I got that confused. 



WATTERS: Yes, that’s what it was. 

PERINO: Just to plug Jesse’s book one more time on. My podcast Everything Will Be Okay, I did it with Jesse Watters, how he saved my podcast. So, that’s out today. You can check it out. It’s pretty fun conversation. And take a look at this polar bear having fun in a bucket of ice. And I just chose this because this is pretty cute. 

WATTERS: That is cute. 

GUTFELD: By the way, you two are on my show tonight. 


GUTFELD: Yes, Jesse and Dana are on tonight. We’re doing a special episode of “THE GUTFELD!” on THE FIVE.

WATTERS: I’m excited about it.

PERINO: Exclamation point. 

RIVERA: I don’t think there’s enough cross-promotion on it. 

PERINO: Well, Geraldo, you (INAUDIBLE) 

WATTERS: You of all people. 

GUTFELD: You do Geraldo promotion. 

RIVERA: I invented it. 

WATTERS: It’s like you complaining about mustaches. 

RIVERA: All right, all right. So, I’m reading a great new book. It’s a Private I book, a Harlem Private I named Walter Morris. It’s actually the second in the series. The Men from Ice House Four. It’s like a Chinatown pulp fiction, Dick Tracy. And the best part is that it’s written by Dion Baia. Dion Baia is our soundman right there. You may know him from, you know, Neil Cavuto show. He makes a frequent cameo appearances. But it’s a terrific read. You know, very noir. 

PERINO: Noir. 

RIVERA: You know, very — 

PERINO: What does that mean?

RIVERA: Very, very dark. 

MCDOWELL: That’s the way a redneck says nor. 

RIVERA: I don’t think rednecks are into noir. 

WATTERS: It’s a Spanish pronunciation, sir.

RIVERA: That’s right. 

WATTERS: All right, Geraldo, you’re finished. Dagen. 

RIVERA: I’m done. 

MCDOWELL: All I got — I got a minute to show you this kid pushing a puppy in a stroller in the grocery store. There you go. Little girl pushing her Yorkshire Terrier. I just want to say dogs aren’t allowed in the grocery store. I don’t know who let this kid in with the dog. But I think the dogs cuter than she is. 

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s terrible.

RIVERA: It is terrible. 

MCDOWELL: It’s not, actually. 

GUTFELD: But you’re right here. 

WATTERS: Is she getting beer? That’s not beer. 

PERINO: Hey, Jessie, what — how are you going to close out this week tomorrow?

WATTERS: So, we do have some special guests perhaps. Is it John Rich who’s going to be joining us tomorrow?

GUTFELD: We also have a special “FAN MAIL.” 

WATTERS: And a special “FAN MAIL,” my favorite segment.

PERINO: It’s Frenchi and Firecracker — 

WATTERS: Frenchi and Firecracker going to be weighing in? I guarantee. 

RIVERA: Did I ever tell you this? John Rich came to my house and we had a barbecue? It’s true. It’s true story. 

WATTERS: Paris Hilton was there too.

MCDOWELL: And the Eagles. 

WATTERS: We’re not going to tell any more of that story though. 

PERINO: It was very noir. 

WATTERS: That is it for us. “SPECIAL REPORT” is up next with Shannon Bream, the Evil Shannon Bream.


PERINO: Hey, Shannon Bream.

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