Entonces esa mente estándar, let’s check in with our friends over at CNN to see what they’re covering today on their news channel. Oh, it looks like they’re planning a palace coup at the casa Blanca. Just another day in Washington. Turns out, CNN’s researchers have discovered that Joe Biden is elderly and unpopular. Breaking news. And therefore he’s probably not the best vehicle for the ambitions of the Democratic Party going forward. Obviamente, Biden isn’t going to serve two terms, so as a public service, CNN has assembled a list of people who should replace Joe Biden.
It’s all pretty amusing when you think about it. Aparentemente, somebody in CNN’s math department finally finished the complicated calculations and concluded that Joe Biden, who’s already had two cerebral aneurysms, estarán 86 years old by the end of his second term. Esperar, qué? Eighty-six years old? CNN had no idea Joe Biden was that old. Didn’t tell us about it, ya sea. Claramente, this is not going to work. Time for someone new. That’s what they’re saying.
Y honestamente, as you watch this, you can start to feel a little sad for Joe Biden. He’s been in office less than a year, and already his own supporters are measuring his coffin. But of course they are. This was always going to happen. Professional Democrats are not sentimental people. They’re stone-hearted realists. Joe Biden has served his biological purpose. He stopped Bernie Sanders in the primaries. He made America safe for private equity. Carried interest is still in the tax code. Mission accomplished. So it’s time to pull Joe Biden off the stage before he gets even older and less popular. That’s what they’re thinking.
It turns out supporting Joe Biden was never about any specific ideology. We on the right fell for that one, but these people have no interest in principles or ideas. Loyalty is a foreign concept to them. They care only about power. It’s kind of scary, De Verdad.
Agradecidamente, this same group is also stupid. Stupidity is there one redeeming quality. If they were smart, they’d take over the world. They’re certainly ruthless enough. But thank God they can’t do that because they’re too limited by their own bigotry and their tiny intellects. How dumb are these people? Bien, they assume that everybody else is just like them. And that’s always the hallmark of true stupidity.
These are the geniuses who believe Salvadoran immigrants want to be called Latinx. They can believe that because they don’t talk to Salvadoran immigrants, they only talk at them. So they have no idea that the average Salvadoran has social views that are so terrifyingly right-wing, they would be banned on Twitter instantly assuming Salvadoran immigrants actually use Twitter, which most of them don’t, because they’re smarter than CNN anchors.
Recuerda, Nancy Pelosi is out there a couple of years ago talking about MS-13 when they were terrorizing Salvadoran immigrant communities, and she was assuring us they were little angels. They’re children of God, ella dijo. CNN never sent a camera to an actual Salvadoran community to ask what they thought of MS-13. The people terrorized them. What do you think we do with MS-13? We’ll cut them into small pieces and feed them to the dogs. That would’ve been the answer. Didn’t see that on CNN.
What’s their views on the trans community, you have to wonder. They’re not going to put that in there, ya sea. CNN hasn’t even thought about doing those interviews, because they assume they don’t need to. The people to believe that everyone who didn’t vote for Donald Trump must have the same opinions and concerns as the average dingbat trustafarian in Bozeman. They imagine a world populated entirely by people like themselves, college-educated liberals with empty personal lives. And thank God, they’re wrong.
A world like that would be as sterile and bossy and anti-human as the White House press secretary. Imagine eight billion, Jen Psakis. Horrifying. But in reality, humanity is far more interesting and far more. sí, diverse than that. Not that CNN has caught on. Nor do they have any idea how unpopular they are. Most Americans are not racist, no matter what you might hear, but an awful lot of them secretly do hate the nasty, uptight, self-righteous, entitled White liberals who run CNN and people like them.
If you were to ask your average Trump voter: “Who do you really dislike?” Not that anyone would ever ask them that because nobody cares what they think, but if you were, they’d probably say to the CNN camera crew: “Realmente, I’m not mad at Black people. I’m mad at you.” Dislike of that group of people, the people have all the power in this country is probably the deepest well of prejudice in the United States. Y por supuesto, it’s totally justified. Does CNN know that? No. Por supuesto, they have no idea. Wait till you see their list of replacements for Joe Biden. Each one is tailor-made to appeal to the dingbat trustafarian in Bozeman and no one else.
First on the list, por supuesto, is Kamala Harris, and that makes sense, she’s the vice president. The problem is nobody likes Kamala Harris. No one has ever liked Kamala Harris, from her earliest days on the playground to her high school years in Canada, to right now, which is December 15, 2021. Why is Kamala Harris so unpopular? Have you heard her laugh?
Kamala Harris is a charmless phony who has such total and utter contempt for your intelligence that she fully expects you to believe that her fake laugh is real. And that’s bad. Pero honestamente, it’s not necessarily a deal killer in politics. No one ever calls Richard Nixon charming. Yet Nixon won the biggest presidential landslide in American history in 1972. So what’s the difference? The difference is Richard Nixon was competent. He had skills. He could do things Kamala Harris doesn’t, and she can’t. Kamala Harris is totally incompetent. She’s zero skills. She’s never done anything. Harris can’t redecorate her own office. She tried recently, and she made it uglier. So this isn’t going to work. We’re going to have to take Kamala Harris off the list. Lo siento.
So how about Pete Buttigieg? He’s on the list. Por supuesto, everyone at CNN loves Pete Buttigieg. He’s just like them, except a little spicier and much more glib. Until a few years ago, Pete Buttigieg dated women. Now he’s openly gay and a father and reads the Atlantic magazine and uses unintelligible buzzwords. Muchos, many unintelligible buzzwords. De hecho, unintelligible buzzwords are Pete put judge’s entire vocabulary. You want to talk like Pete Buttigieg? It’s not hard. You take a phrase or issue, any phrase or any issue, and add the word racism. Bingo. You now have a promising future in the Democratic Party.
RAMOS: Do you think that people who support President Trump and his immigration policies are racist?
BUTTIGIEG: Anyone who supports this is supporting racism.
BUTTIGIEG: Our health care system is burdened by racism
BUTTIGIEG: We know that our housing is burdened by racism
BUTTIGIEG: Our schools are burdened by racism
BUTTIGIEG: Yes the uniform is burdened by racism but it goes far beyond that
BUTTIGIEG: It is a matter of concern for every American that we dismantle systemic racism before it ends the American project in our lifetime.
Oh, and roads are racist too. Certain kinds of people love this. If CNN anchors could do science, which of course they can’t, but if they could, Pete Buttigieg is the candidate they would create in their basement lab. Rhodes Scholar, McKinsey consultant, no actual achievements of any kind. Pete Buttigieg couldn’t even run South Bend, Indiana. He tried. Couldn’t. And that’s not really surprising. Buttigieg has never shown any interest in improving the lives of actual people. His only real skill is talking about himself.
Every presidential election cycle, you see someone like this. Democrático candidates who are, in effect, media creations. New York Times pretends they could actually get elected, pero no. Every election cycle, the voters laugh at these people. Ask Beto, he’s be there. So Pete Bittigieg is off the list. But in his defense, whatever the judge’s fault, at least he’s not Elizabeth Warren.
Elizabeth Warren is the candidate for voters who find Kamala Harris too authentic. Kamala is just too real for me. I’d rather have the manufactured version, somebody who pretends to be, decir, an American Indian.
So if that’s you, if that’s what you’re looking for, you’re going to love Elizabeth Warren. Here she is, drinking beer with the man she claims is her husband, just like a totally normal American. Totally normal.
WARREN: Hold on a sec. I’m gonna get me a beer. … My husband Bruce is now here. You want a beer? … I’m going to pull up a stool and sit.
I’m going to get me a beer. Oh, are you know, Elizabeth Warren? Maybe you will, but not in the White House, that’s not going to fly. The truth is, if you’re going to replace someone as old and familiar as Joe Biden is, you’re going to need someone fresh and new, someone whose faults the country isn’t already very familiar with.
Maybe that’s what CNN was thinking when they included Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker on the list. Desafortunadamente, even if you’ve never even heard his name before, J.B. Pritzker’s faults are just too obvious to ignore. Pritzker may be the only elected Democrat in America who is unhealthier than Joe Biden. A couple of years ago, Pritzker broke his leg and then admitted he had no idea how he did it. He hasn’t seen his legs since 1993.
Now we’re not judging, obviamente. But is this really the president you need during a COVID pandemic? J.B. Pritzker is a walking underlying condition. Más, and not incidentally, he has destroyed the state of Illinois.
Casi 13 million people live in Illinois, though thanks to J.B. Pritzker, there are far fewer of them every day. But CNN did not bother to interview a single one of them. Asi que, go ahead and wish J.B. Pritzker the best, but don’t count on seeing him in the White House any time soon.
But if you’re still fixated on replacing Joe Biden with a governor, CNN has a few more ideas for you. CNN is recommending Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan and Phil Murphy of New Jersey. Now you read that, and you pause and you begin to suspect that maybe this whole list is CNN’s stealthy attempt to test you to see what you will believe. How ludicrous can they write it?
Phil Murphy? Phil Murphy almost lost his job just last month. He was nearly defeated as an incumbent Democrat governor in a state that has a million more Democrats than it has Republicans. How much do people in New Jersey hate Phil Murphy? That’s how much they hate him. But now he should be president? Vamos.
It feels like some pothead intern at CNN just pulled up the Wikipedia entry for Democratic governors, and they copied their names into the story. That’s got to be what happened. How else did Gretchen Whitmer make the list? Come on now.
You should also know that CNN recommends a former mayor, that would be Mitch Landrieu of New Orleans. Now you’ll be excited about this if you think Joe Biden’s hair plugs aren’t quite absurd enough. De lo contrario, eh? Realmente, Mitch Landrieu was a perfectly nice guy, charming and friendly.
But the question is, how’s New Orleans doing these days? Is it cleaner? Is it safer? Is it a better place to live? How are the schools? Vamos. If you’ve been there, sabes.
Por otro lado, if Mitch Landrieu is going to make the list, then why not Bill de Blasio? Why doesn’t Bill de Blasio replace Joe Biden? He certainly has got the time to do it. He’s unemployed. This could be Bill de Blasio’s chance to turn all of America into Penn Station. What a campaign slogan that would be. De Blasio 2024: Make America Filthy Again. We can’t wait for CNN’s endorsement of that. No doubt it’s coming.
So at this point, we’re getting toward the bottom of CNN’s Biden replacement list, and that’s where we find the name of one Stacey Abrams. Abrams was once a state representative in Georgia. Now she describes herself as a “voting rights activist,” Whatever that is.
Electing Stacey Abrams President of the United States would amount to the single largest act of equity ever committed in the modern era. Desafortunadamente, it would also signal the end of the modern era. You know exactly the kind of country you would get with Stacey Abrams in charge.
Is she unqualified for the job? Of course she’s unqualified. But she’s also, and this is an extra bonus, totally delusional. Para este día, more than three years after the fact, Abrams have never conceded that she lost the Georgia governor’s race. She still claims that la election was stolen from her.
But wait a second, [object Window], isn’t that an attack on democracy? When you challenge an election result in this country, you are, as Liz Cheney often tells us, shredding democratic norms. You might as well be living in Moscow at that point because you, mi amigo, are doing the bidding of Vladimir Putin. You’re an insurrectionist.
Y todavía, Stacey Abrams is not living in Moscow. She’s living in Atlanta, in pretty luxurious circumstances, Realmente. All made possible by the huge amounts of cash she has raised fighting for “voting rights.”
A few years ago, Abrams spent nearly a million and a half dollars on residential real estate for herself, despite owing the Internal Revenue Service $ 54,000 in back taxes. Now that is equity in acción.
So once again, you know precisely who Stacey Abrams is. Pero aún, there is something about her that’s not quite as repulsive as the rest of the people on CNN’s list. Say what you will about Stacey Abrams, she’s not synthetic. She’s no Pete Buttigieg who was clearly implanted with some kind of neoliberal master chip when he worked at McKinsey: “Must stop climate change now.”
No. Stacey Abrams isn’t really like that. She’s a grifter, obviamente, but there is still a spark of recognizable humanity within her. She’s clearly got an active personal life. Here’s an excerpt from the soft-core porn novel she wrote called “Hidden Sins.”
“Their tongues tangled, danced, and she reveled in the movement. She splayed eager palms against his chest and tormented the flesh she found there. Too far away, she gripped his waist to pull him closer, until she stood cradled between his hard thighs.”
Imagine Stacey Abrams standing on the west front of the Capitol building three years from now at her inauguration, reading her own words from “Hidden Sins” as she faces the slender but rigid Washington Monument. De algun modo, strange as it sounds, we can imagine that. De hecho, we can imagine it vividly. CNN will be thrilled by the whole thing, and we know for certain that Jeff Toobin would cover it.
This article is adapted from Tucker Carlson’s opening commentary on the December 15, 2021 edición de “Tucker Carlson esta noche.”